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Schmocap S:7 E:6: Night King Unitas

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OK, so I skipped a week. Sue me. I was fucking busy. I’m here now though, and shit went down on Game of Thrones tonight. Here’s what happened:

I’m not going scene by scene this time HBOGo style, it’s too exhausting. This is somebody putting a gun to my Divac head and telling me to recap the last episode of Game of Thrones completely from memory.

I would like to skip over all the bullshit and just get straight to the action, but I’ve got to lay out the characters going on the White Walker expedition which honestly seems like a poorly designed GTA mission.

  • Jon Snow
  • Robert Baratheon’s bastard Gentry.
  • Jorah the Explorer
  • The Hound
  • Eyepatch Guy
  • Guy who hangs out with Eyepatch Guy
  • Tormund
  • A whole bunch of poor Wildling fucks who are just there to get killed.

Ok, so important things to note.

  • Eyepatch guy can light his sword on fire. Pretty cool, did not know that.
  • Gentry is still pissed at the Hound’s friends for trading him to the Red Priestess because he had a no trade clause or something and they didn’t let him exercise it.
  • Jon Snow tried giving his Wolf Sword that Jorah’s father gave him to Jorah, but Jorah wouldn’t take it because he was a shithead who got exiled to Khaleesiland for doing something bad. I’m not entirely sure what honestly, but Game of Thrones probably has a Wiki you can look it up on.

The first bit of action is when they come across this massive dead bear, like Eddie Lacy-sized, and it just lights Eyepatch’s friend up who ends up dying later. Sometimes characters die in Game of Thrones and I care a lot. Other times I don’t care at all. This is the latter.

Then they run into some White Walkers which ends up revealing that you can kill the one that looks like the boss White Walker and they’ll all die. Well, all that is except for one who is conveniently left behind so they can capture it by tying it up, putting a bag over its head, and throwing it in the back of Tormund’s van. I must say that as the show has passed up the books, the convenience factor has become off the charts. So much convenience, the show is like a goddamn 7-11. More on convenience very, very soon.

So this Walker jamoke is all captured and the mission looks to be complete, but not so much because there are like a bajillion more White Walkers coming. Snow tells Usain Gentry to go run back to Castle Black and deliver a Raven to Khaleesi telling her what happened because he had the fastest 40 in the pre-mission scouting combine.

The rest of the crew starts hightailing it as the Walkers chase them down, and those dudes are fucking fast. Like 99 Madden speed fast. What about being dead makes you have 99 speed? Please explain that to me. My dad was watching it with me, and I’m pretty sure he’s never seen an episode, and even he was like “Why are those fuckers so fast?” I’m just like “I dunno, can’t teach speed.”

The crew ends up running over this frozen lake which begins to crack. This is a good thing because it allows them to reach this ice island as the White Walkers fall in the water. It turns into a stalemate as the squad is now surrounded by the Walkers. Then Eyepatch points out the Night King to the rest of the squad who is just chilling on his Night King perch like a boss. I know Night King is technically a bad guy, but I don’t mind him. He’s a cool customer, composed under pressure — kind of reminds me of David Stern at the NBA Draft and how everyone would boo the fuck out of him, and he’d just be like “I can’t hear you. Is that all you got?”

I’ve completely ignored what’s going on at Winterfell at this point and it must be addressed. Arya found that letter that Sansa wrote in comic sans back in like Season 2 or whatever, and she’s being a really big douche about it. She thinks Sansa betrayed her family by writing it. Like Mike Ditka always said, “you live in the past, you die in the past.” Arya was looking like the early season MVP, but that ship has sailed.

There’s also some shit going down at D-Stone, and Tyrion and Khaleesi aren’t on the best of terms either. I’m on Tyrion’s side on this one. Burning the Tarly’s was a douchebag move. The older one, Game of Thrones Nick Saban? Fine, burn that guy. I’m fine with Nick Saban being burned alive by a dragon. The younger Tarly, Dickon Kiffin? He should have been given more time to think his decision over. She definitely jumped the gun on the dragon burning and she should hear about it.

OK, back to the North. The squad is still posted up, and Eyepatch’s friend has died at this point. Gentry has made it back to the castle and sent for help from Khaleesi as she gets ready to board her dragon and head North, even though Tyrion tells her that’s dumb. The Hound starts throwing rocks at the Walkers like an idiot and the ice doesn’t break… it’s go time. Even though you know they aren’t, the squad looks completely fucked now. Tormund almost dies, but the Hound ends up saving him. They are about to be overrun when Khaleesi shows up with her dragons of course. They make it rain, and everyone climbs on the dragon to get out of there, but fucking Snow is still fighting. Apparently the Night King has been working on his throwing mechanics this off-season and he’s turned into goddamn Johnny Unitas. He launches his ice javelin at one of the dragons and nails it. Night King fantasy owners rejoice. You’ve got the play this week.

OK, hold on. If Night King could launch his ice stick at a dragon flying in the air like 1,000 yards a way, why didn’t he just throw his ice stick at Snow and his squad when they were chilling on that island? Once again, convenience factor. That would not be convenient.

The dragon goes down and everybody is distraught as it sinks into the water. Jon starts going after the Night King because he’s an idiot and Khaleesi is forced to leave him behind as the Night King readies another javelin. He misses this time. A 50% completion percentage is nothing to write home about. He has good poise in the pocket, but he’s obviously a system Night King. Jon looks like a goner as he’s tackled into the water by the walkers. My dad thinks so, but I’m like “nah, he already died once.” He emerges from the water, and stumbles away as the Walkers close in on him. That’s when a mysterious man on black horse wielding some type of swinging fire ball and chain shows up to save him.

Well, fuck me sideways. It’s delinquent Uncle Benjen. The little Benjen that could. Fuck this guy. How in the hell does he always know to show up at th exact right time like he’s got some Big Brother cam on every Stark descendant? Was it last season when he randomly showed up to save Bran after not having been seen since Season 1? ┬áDude’s more delinquent than Will Smith’s father in the Fresh Prince. Apparently, two men riding on a horse together is a complete impossibility so Uncle Benjen gives Jon his horse and sacrifices himself. Good, what a schmuck. We didn’t actually see him die though so I expect him to return at some point next season to save another Stark descendant.

Back to Winterfell, and Sansa has found Arya’s creepy bag of faces. Arya walks in on her, and Sansa tries to schedule some Stark family intervention like she’s on an episode of “My Strange Addiction.” Arya messes with her by threatnening her with a knife, and Arya really kind of sucks now.

Jon and Khaleesi have an intiamate-ish moment on a boat which involves lots of hand holding and Jon saying that he will bend the knee. Meanwhile, the Walkers decide to pull Khaleesi’s dead dragon from the water and the episode ends with it being turned into a White Walker dragon. A 2-on-1 dragon handicap match appears to be upcoming, but probably not until next season.

Pretty solid episode overall, but did not enjoy Uncle Benjen’s return at all. Arya’s regression from MVP candidate to intolerability is a disappointment. The Night King’s improved arm strength was the real revelation of this episode. Did not know that he had that in his arsenal.

As for this completely from memory recap, I think I did a decent job for somebody whose mom had to remind by text to not look at the sun during the Solar Eclipse.

Divac’s Rating: 3.89/5 Flops

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Divac is the Editor-In Chief of The Schmozone and founder of Leaveit2divac.com. He is a fantasy sports maniac with terrible gambling habits and has a strange, irrational obsession with everything that is NBA legend Vlade Divac. Divac will be posting his outrageous commentary on daily sports topics in "The Daily Flop" section and one day dreams of being re-born as a mediocre Eastern European NBA journeyman.