Episode 3 was a whole bunch of talk and not a whole bunch of action. That was OK, though, because it still made some major moves. Let’s jump right in.
LeBron Snow and his crew are dropped off at Khaleesi’s Dragonstone slumber party, even though Snow’s bannermen don’t think it’s such a good idea because they will all end up staying up too late. Missandei collects all of their sleeping bags for safe-keeping and then Tyrion greets Jon Snow with some amusing banter. Old man Dabo Seabiscuit, who definitely wasn’t invited, starts chatting up Missandei in that “creepy old-man, I’d really like to bang but I left my Viagra at Castle Black” type of way. Tyrion and Snow make some small talk as they head to meet with Khaleesi when her dragons startle ‘Bron although most would say it was probably just a flop.
Next, Varys and Game of Thrones Insider Red Priestess Wojnarowski have a chat about how she wasn’t there to greet ‘Bron. Red Priestess Woj is adamant that she and ‘Bron aren’t on good terms because of things she tweeted out that she just can’t speak of. She tells Varys that she is going to change her Twitter name from @RPWoj to @RPWojESPN, but vows to return one day.
Finally — after six and 2/7ths of a season — ‘Bron Snow and Khaleesi Stormborn Daenerys Breaker of Chains Targaryen IIII meet. Dabo introduces Snow rather undescriptively and then tries to sass Khaleesi with some “old school, Bill Russell is the greatest player I’ve ever seen” type of GOT knowledge. However, Khaleesi just shuts him down and says something about “perpetuity.” Khaleesi requests that ‘Bron bend the knee and pledge loyalty to her, but ‘Bron is afraid that he will end up ostracized like Colin of House Kaepernick if he chooses to bend the knee in such a public environment. ‘Bron tries to convince Khaleesi that the real enemy isn’t the Warriors to the South, but “father time” to the North.
“Father time catches up to us all, eventually.” – LeBron Snow
Khaleesi doesn’t really believe in “father time” and views ‘Bron’s refusal to bend the knee as an open rebellion. ‘Bron then asks Khaleesi to use her phone so that he can call his mom to pick him up because he’s not having a good time at her slumber party, but she doesn’t let him.
Shortly after, Varys delivers the bad news that the Big Ballers of Dorne and the Greyjoys are either dead or captured.
Hipster pirate Uncle Draymond has captured Ironborn Sister Greyjoy, Lavar of Dorne, and Lonzo, and is now parading them through the streets of King’s Landing as the crowd pelts them with $495 pairs of ZO2s. He presents Lavar of Dorne and Lonzo to Queen Curry Lannister as justice for the death of her murdered daughter. This gives Curry the long-awaited opportunity to address Lavar as she’s chained up and unable to speak for the first time in recorded history. She decides to kill Lonzo in the same way that Lavar murdered her own daughter — via a poison kiss — and will force Lavar to watch as her last remaining Ball daughter dies. Lavar can’t get out the words due to the gag in her mouth, but one can only surmise that she is telling Curry Lannister to “stay in her lane.”
To celebrate, KD and Curry Lannister have sex (weird), and Curry doesn’t even mind when Klay Thompson shows up at the door to tell them that Adam Silver has arrived to collect the luxury tax the Warriors owe for going over the Game of Thrones salary cap.
Curry implies that Commissioner Silver wants to “bet on a winner,” but the Commish won’t exactly condone that type of activity — instead the league office prefers to “invest in endeavors most likely to be successful.” This is how the Knicks got Ewing.
‘Bron Snow really isn’t having a good time at Khaleesi’s slumber party and wants to leave right now. He complains to Tyrion that Khaleesi won’t let him use her phone to call his mom so he can get picked up. Tyrion fells kinda bad so he asks ‘Bron if there’s anyway he can make the slumber party better.
Of course, Dragonstone sits on a generous supply of platelet-rich plasma, a material once used by Kobe of House Mamba to defeat “father time.” After being convinced by Tyrion, Khaleesi informs ‘Bron Snow that he can mine the PRP and inject it into his knees. This delights ‘Bron who exclaims that this is the “best slumber party ever” and then runs off to get his sleeping bag.
Sansa is now running the show at Castle Black while ‘Bron is out of town and she receives a surprise visit from somebody very near and dear to her. It’s B-Rose! Unfortunately — due to his frail knees — it took B-Rose two episodes to travel from the gate to inside the castle so he missed LeBron. A solemn B-Rose tells Sansa that he is no longer an MVP-caliber player and that he needs to learn to walk better. I would elaborate on this further but it’s just too goddamn depressing.
Slammin’ Sammy Tarly has now cured Jorah the Explorer of the terrible stone hands disease, much to the behest of Arch Maester Tom Coughlin who strictly forbade it. He could have put the entire Citadel at risk, but Sammy succeeded by following the pictures in his “How to Rip People’s Skin Off and Cure Them of Stone Hand’s Disease” book. Arch Maester Coughlin rewards him by making him study some playbooks.
This is good. Tyrion is explaining to Khaleesi how they will take Oracle Arena from the Warriors. The gates are impregnable, but Tyrion had built the sewers of the arena when his father built the fortress. In order to f*** the bitches that he wanted, Tyrion built a special alcove for himself which a few good Khaleesi men use to get inside and open the gates.
“Give me ten good men and I’ll impregnate the bitch.” — A good friend of Tyrion’s
The Unsullied do in fact triumph at Oracle, but they don’t call him “Da Real MVP” for nothing.” KD Lannister has taken the majority of the Warrior forces to Madison Square Highgarden to defeat the Tyrells. In an incredible final scene with KD, Grandma Tyrell calls Joffrey a “c***” and Curry a “disease that will destroy KD.” Instead of bringing her to be tortured by Curry, KD gives her some poison to drink which she does. That’s when she drops the ultimate hammer on him. She’s the one who poisoned Joffrey and she wants to make sure the Queen knows. Boom, roasted.
That’s how you go out as a f****** legend. This was Kobe dropping 60 in his farewell game type of sh**. Legendary.
Divac’s Rating: 3.854/5 flops
Episode 3 MVP: Grandma Tyrell (RIP)