It only took two episodes for Game of Thrones to officially swing it’s big Game of Thrones d*** and announce to the world that Sunday nights belong to the GOT. The season premiere of Season 7 was a bit ho-hum, but it was just setting s*** up for Episode 2 and that’s just what you need sometimes.
SPOILER ALERT: This episode was LIT. Winter is f****** here, goddamnit. Now it’s time for me to ruin it by trying to recap it in an All-NBA Edition of the Schmocap.
We start off Episode 2, much better than the premiere (no disrespect to the clubhouse MVP leader Arya Westbrook) because Khaweesi Leonard is on my television screen and is having a meeting with Tyrion Parker and fellow teammate/former Warrior Varys Lee. She demands Varys to tell her who sent Zaza of House Pachulia to assassinate her during Game 1 of the Westeros Conference Finals. He reveals what we all know; that it was Warriors head coach Steven Kerratheon. Khaweesi questions his loyalty because he has served so many different teams, but Varys explains that his true loyalties lie to those who have struggled to make it in the league due to pedestrian athleticism and very limited physical skill sets. However, he pledges his loyalty to Khaweesi as he knows that those people need a leader like her.
Then out of nowhere, the Red Priestess Adrian Wojnarowski shows up. She seems to have some sort of prophecy, but Khaweesi doesn’t completely understand her because she’s speaking using Twitter hashtags. Woj claims to have already tweeted out Khaweesi’s prophecy to take the throne, but says that she has also tweeted out the same prophecy for the King in the North, LeBron Snow. Khaleesi wants to meet LeBron Snow in person and requests that Tyrion send an e-mail to Cleveland.
The Bay Area
Queen Curry Lannister knows that she needs help defending the throne so she calls on Popovich of House Tarly to help her. He’s reluctant to help because he’s loyal to the Spurs so KD Lannister has a chat with him. He puts KD on blast by saying that “he’s not an Oathbreaker who stabs his allies in the back and leaves Oklahoma City for the team that just beat him in the Westeros Conference Finals.” KD still offers to make him the most powerful coach in the South if he helps the Warriors defend the throne. Stay tuned.
Jorah the Explorer has showed up at maester school with his “Braylon Edwards Stone Hands” disease, but Arch Maester Tom Coughlin is unwilling to help him because he once tried to cure Reuben of House Randle of it, but he couldn’t.
The major contenders of the Westeros Conference are devising a plan to take down the Warriors. Some want to go right at the Warriors with a high-octane offense, but Khaweesi and Tyrion prefer a lower-octane offense that emphasizes stellar ball movement. Let’s skip to the following scene though which involves Missandei getting naked and Grey Worm, who does not have a penis, having sex with her. Now that I think of it, that’s really all I have to say about that.
Arch Maester Coughlin forbids Windhorst Tarly from curing Jorah the Explorer because he could catch the “Braylon Edwards Stone Hands” disease if he tries to. Jorah’s on Windhorst’s fantasy team though and there just aren’t any good wide receivers to pick-up so he must be cured. Windhorst has been reading up on how to cure this so I was expecting some sort of elaborate potion or something, but he just starts ripping his skin off and tell’s Jorah not to scream.
Your MVP leader Arya Westbrook runs into her old friend, Byron “B.J.” Mullens, who she played with in OKC awhile back. B.J. tells her that LeBron Snow is now King of the North. He also tells her that he follows @RedPriestessWoj on Twitter and he heard that LeBron is seeking a new guard of the point. Arya delays her plans to travel to the Bay Area and starts heading to Cleveland.
LeBron Snow tells his team that he has received a note from Windhorst Tarly at Maester School, a man he trusts as much as anybody in the world. The note reveals that San Antonio sits on a mountain of platelet-rich plasma (PRP) which can be injected into LeBron’s knees to defeat ‘father time.’ He also says that Tyrion has sent him a note from Dragonstone and LeBron drops a Woj bomb of his own by revealing that Khaweesi intends to take the throne from the Warriors with three new free agents at her disposal! Tyrion has invited LeBron to visit the Spurs in San Antonio and LeBron says that he’s going to accept. This does not please the rest of the Cavaliers who do not trust the Spurs and believe it is a trap. They all plead for him to stay, but LeBron trusts Tyrion and knows that he needs allies and the PRP to defeat ‘father time.’ The decision is final and LeBron names Sansa Lue as the interim head coach of Cleveland during his absence.
Before leaving, LeBron and Dan Gilbertfinger have a not so pleasant talk even though Gilbertfinger helped bring Cleveland a title. LeBron is uncomfortable with Gilbertfinger’s relationship with the love of his life, Sansa Lue, and threatens to kill him if he allows Sansa Lue to start calling plays instead of him.
Arya Westbrook is on her way to Cleveland when she runs into a pack of TIMBERWOLVES! They surround her, but do not attack. Arya tries to convince one of the T’Wolves, Jymeria Butler, to come with her to Cleveland but he ignores her and takes off with the rest of his pack.
The Westeros Conference Ship
One of the Westeros Conference ships carrying the Greyjoys of LA and the Balls of Dorne is sailing the seas. The three Ball sisters are bickering while Lavar of Dorne is getting intimate with “Earvin” Magic Greyjoy. All of a sudden, the ship is attacked! Oh my goodness, it’s Uncle Drew, Kyrie of Greyjoy! The ultimate traitor who recently requested a trade is now making his case to join the Warriors. An epic battle scene ensues in which Kyrie disposes of both LaMelo and Li’Angelo Ball. Despite warning shouts of “Stay in your lane, boy!,” Lavar of Dorne and Lonzo are both taken captive by Kyrie’s henchman. The episode ends with a Kyrie holding ‘Earvin’ Magic Greyjoy hostage as the ultimate coward D’Angelo ‘Reek’ Greyjoy looks on. Reek quickly Snapchats and then jumps ship to save himself instead of attempting a rescue of Magic Greyjoy from the hands of the evil Kyrie.
This was a fantastic episode and it deserves an excessive amount of flops.
Divac’s Rating: 4.5/5 flops
Episode 2 MVP: ‘Uncle Drew’ Kyrie of Greyj