The current state of American existence blows right now. No football for like eight months. It’s fucking cold (at least where I am). Charles Oakley is getting arrested at Knicks games for no reason. The Patriots just won the Super Bowl and I don’t even completely hate that because it made Roger Goodell absolutely miserable. The top trending hashtag at this very moment on Twitter is #IfIWereACat (OK, that’s not so bad). And Trump. America’s supposed to be great again, but right now not so much.
I aimlessly walked some random dude’s dog yesterday in like 15 degree weather for an hour and got paid 18 bucks. No tip. The day before I got 14 bucks for walking some pug for like 3 minutes before throwing him back in his house because he didn’t want to walk anymore. How the fuck does that make sense? What’s to be learned from this? Pugs, not thugs. That’s what. And also the going rate for breaking into people’s houses and walking their dogs is significantly more than minimum wage.
But I digress. Existence is currently rough so — for at least the next week or so — I’m going to forgo my current existence and live life like I’m playing ‘The Sims.’
Now if you are under the age of 30 and I have to explain to you what ‘The Sims’ is then a) you probably aren’t reading this right now and b) I hate you and we are not friends. Now we aren’t talking ‘The Sims 2’ or ‘The Sims 3’ or even ‘The Sims 4.’ We are talking the original ‘The Sims.’ The ‘OG Sims.’ You can probably get away living a normal life by living like the Sims in ‘The Sims 4’. Living like the ‘OG Sims?’ That’s pre-historic existence. Savagery at it’s absolute peak.
The ‘OG Sims’ is the 5th most bought computer game of all-time (11.24 million copies of the game were sold). That doesn’t even include the bajillion expansion packs that I also made my parents buy for me. ‘Sims: Hot Date,’ ‘Sims: Livin’ Large,’ ‘Sims: House Party.’ I think my parents stopped buying them for me at ‘Sims: Vacation’ after I complained that our family vacations weren’t nearly this lit:
OK, so if I’m going to live life like ‘The Sims,’ then I gotta do it right. Here’s the top seven things that I’m going to need to start doing:
1. Peeing on the floor
For whatever reason, if your Sim — who if you were like me in my adolescence was probably named something like “Big Dick McFuckHead” — had a very low “Neat” rating then you would need to direct him to the bathroom in order for him to properly piss in the toilet. Now of course, I was like 12 with an attention span of five seconds and there was also probably a Mrs. McFuckHead and some little McFuckHeads that I needed to pay attention to as well. Bottom line: this wasn’t happening. This also wasn’t like Madden either where you could just make your player a “99” in everything. THIS WAS REAL LIFE! You put more bars on “Neat” then you couldn’t put as many on being like “Outgoing” or “Nice.” Look, I’d rather piss on the floor and then be outgoing enough to laugh about it than be a douchebag who pisses in the toilet. Priorities, people.
So I’m not a neat person which means I’m just going to need to start peeing on the floor to embrace my Sims existence. I won’t clean it up afterwards either. That’s Mrs. McFuckHead’s job. Her “Neat” rating is off the charts.
2. Speaking my own jibberish language to people
OK, so if you only played ‘The Sims’ for even a second and weren’t a complete recluse then you noticed that everyone spoke this special jibberish Sims language that I called “Simsenese.” There were also symbols that would pop-up above their heads sometimes. Some of them kinda made sense. Most of them didn’t. To be a Sim, I’m going to need to create my own jibberish language (or maybe I’ll just learn Dothraki or something) and then start talking it to people. Hopefully, people will catch on. I might even print some pictures of cars or peace signs or flowers or Charles Oakley … basically whatever shit I want to pretend like I’m talking about and then hold it up.
3. Calling my friends everyday
Not even the New York Knicks deteriorate quite as quickly as relationships in ‘The Sims.’ You do all this fucking work, talk for hoooooooooooours about who knows what, tickle the shit out of them, compliment their stupid clothes, and then two days later you get some notification that you guys aren’t friends anymore and like they are going to come over to your house now, eat your food, and then leave the trash on the floor next to the garbage can.
So you call them up and they’re like “Oh, so now you call? Been awhile.” Like fuck you! It’s been two goddamn days. And I had my Sims life on super speed. That’s like two minutes in real-life time. There’s just no way around it in ‘The Sims,’ especially when you get to more advanced interactive versions of the game like ‘Hot Date.’ Call your friends everyday, maybe even twice a day, or else they will hate you. Needless to say, BD McFuckHead was friendless.
4. Being unable to exit a swimming pool without a pool ladder
There was nothing crueler than telling your Sim to go swimming, deleting the pool ladder after, and then watching him or her drown. That’s what you did when you wanted to make some extra cash collecting on Mrs. McFuckHead’s life insurance policy. A defining characteristic of each and every Sim was their inability to exit a swimming pool without the use of a pool ladder. Not even Sims Michael Phelps could get out of the pool without a pool ladder. IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE! Has never happened. I will call bullshit on anybody that says it has. I’d believe you more if you told me you saw aliens or a traveling call in the NBA.
I don’t go swimming in my real-life nor will I do so in my Sims life because swimming is for fish. However, if I do somehow end up in a pool by accident or something, there better be pool ladder or else I will die.
5. Having sex by going under the covers and shouting, “Wooooooooo!”
Way easier, and it’s also how Ric Flair does it.
6. Putting pictures of clowns all over the place.
Every Sim had this “Room” rating which basically measured how satisfied they were with their surroundings. Basically, if they were in a room in which somebody just took a big sh** on the floor or didn’t have like 15 lamps then this rating would be low. One thing you could always do to improve “Room” was to put pictures on the walls and due to the limited funds you had to start the game, there was really only one logical option:
Boom, the clown picture! It was the cheapest painting in the game, but these idiot Sims would treat it like the Mona Lisa. Put up like 20 of these around the house and they will just stare at each and every one all day long. It may even mask the massive pee stain on the floor. (Note: plastic flamingos were the ideal outdoor option. Just flocks of these things in my front yard).
7. Rosebud. All day, every day.
Money solves everything. And money was hard to come by in The Sims. Good thing there was “Rosebud.”
Limitless potential. All your dreams could be achieved with a simple “Rosebud” and some commas and exclamation points. Now, how will I apply this to my new Sims existence? Request money from everyone in my Venmo contacts with the message “rosebud;!;!;!;!;!” and wait for the cash to roll in. This will work. I could honestly say that if somebody requested $10 from me with that message then I would oblige (please don’t).
If anybody would like to join me on my Sims journey then give me a call. If you don’t do so within the next 24 hours then we definitely aren’t friends anymore.