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The Informer’s Super Bowl 51 Mailbag

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Ladies and gentlemen welcome to The Informer’s Super Bowl 51 Mailbag. As always, please keep in mind that almost all of these questions came from actual made-up readers.

The Q: Hey Informer, do you have any fun facts and stats or useless information that your readers should know heading into Super Bowl 51?

But of course I do. In fact, here are The Informer’s favorite most useless fun facts and stats pertaining to Super Bowl 51.

  • If New England loses Super Bowl 51, they will tie the Denver Broncos for the most Super Bowl losses in NFL history.
  • Julio Jones’ real name is Quintorris.
  • The Atlanta Falcons’ 540 total regular season points is the eighth most in NFL history? But did you know that none of the eight teams who scored more points than the Falcons (2013 Broncos, 2011 Packers, 2011 Saints, 2007 Patriots, 2000 Rams, 1998 Vikings & 1983 Redskins) went on to win the Super Bowl?
  • Tom Brady currently owns the Super Bowl record for career yards (1,605), completions (164), attempts (247) and touchdowns (13). He also owns the single game records for consecutive completions (16), passes completed (37) and pass attempts in a game without an interception (48).
  • The first time Atlanta played in a Super Bowl they lost to a 38-year-old quarterback (John Elway) who was at the time making his NFL record fifth Super Bowl start. On Sunday, the Falcons will be playing in their second Super Bowl and they will be facing a 39-year-old quarterback who is making his now NFL record seventh Super Bowl start.
  • This is Bill Belichick’s NFL record ninth time coaching in the Super Bowl (seven as a head coach, two as an assistant).
  • And finally, if Tom Brady wins Super Bowl 51, he will surpass Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw for the most wins by a quarterback in Super Bowl history.

Q: Dear Mr. Informer, what is your favorite Super Bowl commercial of all-time? 

I am not sure if it is the horse-dog friendship, the sad song, or the fact that I cried, but I gotta say the Budweiser commercial “Best Buds” from  Super Bowl XLVIII is my all-time favorite.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlNO2trC-mk

Q: Since you are a self-proclaimed overweight, fat piece of s**t, I figured you would be the perfect person to answer this question: What foods are needed to make a great Super Bowl spread?

Since you asked so nicely, I will oblige with an answer. The Informer’s Top 5 must have foods in order to have a great Super Bowl spread are:

  1. Super-Mucho Potato Ole – Think of the biggest mess of Nachos in the world, only instead of using chips as the base you use potato oles.
  2. Chicken Wings – I prefer the Tyson wings myself, but as long as they are bone-in you can’t go wrong.
  3. Chips with French Onion Dip – Has anyone ever been able to dip a chip into French Onion dip and then walk away within seconds?
  4. Cold Cuts – If you do not have at least one sandwich tray (I would recommend Blimpies because they have the best sandwich trays in the world), then you my friend do not have a spread worthy of being called a Super Bowl spread.
  5. Pizza –I don’t care if it is a pepperoni, hamburger, taco, bacon cheeseburger, Canadian bacon, cheese, sausage, anchovies, chicken bacon ranch, supreme, meat lovers, veggie lovers, stuffed crust, thin crust, Papa John’s, Dominoes, Pizza Hut, Valentinos, Tombstone, Lacey’s, Caseys, Little Caesars, Blimpies, Jacks, Sbarros, Godfathers or Chuck E Cheese; as long as there is pizza you are on the right track to having a great Super Bowl spread.

Q: Informer, what is the single greatest play in Super Bowl history?

I may be biased, but I personally think Randy Moss catching what should have been the game winning touchdown during Super Bowl XLII is the greatest play in the history of the Super Bowl.

Q: For f*cksakes Informer, it was a gawd-damn seven yard button hook. There was nothing special or awesome about the play. Why can’t you for once take this seriously and just answer the damn question?

I am sorry I am not sorry, but Moss is boss and his Super Bowl touchdown catch is the greatest play ever and there is nothing anyone can say or do to make me change my mind.

Q: So you are just going to ignore all of the actual greatest plays in Super Bowl history because you are a Randy Moss homer? That is f*****g pathetic Informer. You know Randy Moss does not read this blog, right? So by saying he made the greatest play in Super Bowl history — when he clearly did not — you are doing nothing but making yourself sound like a stupid idiot. Face it Informer, you played yourself.

Oh you think I played myself by giving homage to the greatest of all-time? Well my response to that is very simple: Cash me outside, how bow dah? 

Q: Did you just quote a 13-year old girl from the Dr. Phil Show now? I rest my case on you playing yourself. Anyways, putting your horrible attempt at being relevant with a younger audience aside, can you please do your job and tell us what your favorite prop bet is for Super Bowl 51?

Once again I am sorry, but I cannot say what my “favorite” prop bet for Super Bowl 51 is. That would be like asking me to choose between my love for Natty Light or Blimpies. In other words, they are all my favorite. With that said, what I can do is list all of the prop bets that I have hypothetically wagered on at this time.

  • Julio Jones over 6.5 catches
  • Julian Edelman over 7.5 catches
  • Tevin Coleman over 3 catches
  • Tom Brady total TD passes 5 (+500 odds)
  • Tom Brady total TD passes 6 or more (+1150 odds)
  • Both teams combined over 3.5 sacks
  • Tom Brady over 310 yards passing
  • Coin toss will be Tails (50% of the time it works every time)
  • The National Anthem under 2 minutes and 15 seconds
  • Tom Brady will throw a TD pass in the 3rd quarter
  • Dion Lewis over 2.5 receptions
  • Dion Lewis over 24.5 yards receiving
  • Matt Ryan over 38.5 pass attempts
  • Tom Brady over 2.5 TD Passes
  • Total yards for both teams over 847.5
  • Number of different Falcons to score (includes kickers) over 3.5
  • Matt Ryan over 2.5 TD Passes
  • Matt Ryan over 7.5 yards rushing
  • Julio Jones will score a TD
  • There will be a field goal over 45 yards
  • Falcons over 1.5 sacks
  • Bill Belichick will wear a blue hoodie
  • 1st half under 29

Q: Holy sh*t balls Informer, has anyone ever tried to give you the number for 1-800-YOUHAVEAGAMBLINGPROBLEM? I mean 23 prop bets? That is asinine. I think it may be time for you to re-evaluate your life?

I am pretty sure the only time I will need to “re-evaluate” my life is when I start taking advice from a figment of my imagination who uses made up words like asinine. Besides, as the old gambling saying goes, “shooters gotta shoot.”

Q: Is it true that the almighty Informer has lost five straight Super Bowl picks? I thought you were supposed to be some kind of NFL gambling expert?

Sadly, it is true. I guess one could say that when it comes to the pressure of picking a Super Bowl winner, I am the Ray Finkle of sports handicappers.

Q: Well then, now that we all know you are the worst ever, I guess the only question left is: Who are you picking in Super Bowl 51 so that all of your readers can bet against you?

I am picking the New England Patriots (-3) because of the five golden rules of gambling in the 2016 NFL Season:

  1. Never bet against Tom Brady during his, “f*ck you, you broke the rules Roger Goodell” revenge tour.
  2. Never bet against Tom Brady during his, “f*ck you, you broke the rules Roger Goodell” revenge tour.
  3. Never bet against Tom Brady during his “f*ck you, you broke the rules Roger Goodell” revenge tour.
  4. Never bet against Tom Brady during his “f*ck you, you broke the rules Roger Goodell” revenge tour.
  5. Never bet against Tom Brady during his “f*ck you, you broke the rules Roger Goodell” revenge tour.

Any questions?

Pick: Pats (-3)

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About Author

Since 2003 The Informer has written for newspapers, websites and blogs with one goal in mind: Write a funny and informative sports article unlike anything that has been written before.