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The Informer’s 2017 NFL Playoffs Mailbag: Wild Card Weekend

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Q: Hey Informer some of your loyal readers are really starting to worry that your drinking maybe getting in the way of you doing your job properly. I mean think about it, you literally have not written an article since last year. Now with that said, if you were to give us an all NFL Playoffs mailbag, I think we could all totally find it in our hearts to let bygones be bygones and forget this whole hiatus ever happened. What do you say Informer? Can you give the people what we want? 

First things first: I have absolutely no idea what in the bluest of blue hells a bygone is. So let’s go ahead and never use that word again. But as far as the question goes, if the people want an all 2017 NFL Playoffs mailbag then I will give the people an all 2017 NFL Playoffs mailbag. As always, please keep in mind that most of these questions came from actual made up readers.

Q: Informer is it true that you finished the 2016 NFL regular season with the best against the spread picks record of every writer on the internet?

Well according to the NFL picks watch dot com’s records, of all the writers they tracked, The Informer’s 146-102-8 record ATS would be considered the absolute best. So to answer the question, yes it is true. The Informer was the best handicapper on the internet in the year 2016.

Q: Informer no one cares about your success. The only reason anyone reads your idiotic ramblings is because we like to laugh at your stupid and “un-informed” sports takes. So sticking with that theme, I am curious who you think should be the 2016 NFL MVP?

After hours of Natty Light consumption, some soul searching and two foot long Blimpie Best sandwiches; I have officially decided that my 2016 NFL MVP has to be the great Tom Brady. For those wondering, my totally not “un-informed” reasoning is the simple fact that Brady finished 11-1 as a starter and set an NFL record by throwing 28 touchdown passes compared to only two interceptions.

Q: What about Derek Carr, Aaron Rodgers, Zeke Elliot, Dak Prescot and Matt Ryan? They all played more than 12 games and have numbers that are even better than Brady’s. So please explain how you giving the MVP to a ball deflating cheater is not an idiotic and un-informed sports take?

Ummm . . . Because I think Tom Brady was the MVP and there is nothing anyone can say or do that will make me change my mind; so therefore my feelings on the subject are totally not idiotic or un-informed.

Q:That is complete bull crap Informer and you know it. You can’t be the MVP when you only played 12 games and your team went 3-1 in the games that you didn’t play. I am going to give you one more chance you fat drunk moron. Name Derek Carr the NFL MVP or else I will stab you in the neck with with a soldering iron.

Hey now, instead of yelling and threatening people, how about we all just agree to agree that Tom Brady is hands down the only option for the 2017 NFL MVP and then move on to another subject before someone says something mean and hurtful?

Q: You are such a chicken sh*t Patriots homer Informer. But fine, in the name of moving on: What is your favorite NFL Wild Card Weekend memory?

Sticking strictly with Wild Card Weekend, my Top 5 favorite memories in order are:

  1. Randy Moss doing disgusting things in Lambeau.
  2. Tim Tebow’s Mile High Miracle.
  3. Frank Reich leading the Buffalo Bills to the greatest comeback in NFL football history.
  4. Andrew Luck leading the Indianapolis Colts to the second greatest comeback in NFL history.
  5. Steve Young to Terrell Owens.

Q: What is your least favorite NFL Wild Card Weekend memory?

Bo Jackson breaking his hip against the Cincinnati Bengals during the 1990 NFL Wild Card Weekend is the absolute worst thing to ever happen in an NFL Wild Card game.

Q: Since you call yourself The Informer, do you have any fun facts or stats you can “inform” your readers with?

You don’t have to twist my arm twice to convince me to hand out some fun facts, stats and useless information. So with that in mind, here are seven of the most useless fun facts and stats The Informer could find.

  1. January 25th, 1991 was the last time the Detroit Lions won an NFL playoff game.
  2. Eli Manning has the same number of playoff wins in Lambeau Field as the great Aaron Rodgers (they both have two).
  3. Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Ben Roethlisberger and Joe Flacco are the only AFC quarterbacks to play in the Super Bowl in the past 13 seasons.
  4. No rookie quarterback has ever won, or started, a Super Bowl (I’m looking at you Dallas).
  5. Speaking of rookies, Conner Cook is the first quarterback in the Super Bowl era to make his first NFL start in a playoff game.
  6. The Miami Dolphins are 9-2 since Jay Ajayi ran for 200 yards in a win against the Pittsburgh Steelers in Week 6.
  7. And finally, this Saturday’s Houston Texans-Oakland Raiders dumpster fire was the lowest rated NFL Playoff game in the history of the sport.

(Okay, so the last one is more of a prediction, but I am pretty sure we can call it fact at this point.)

Q: Instead of talking about the dumpster fire known as the Raiders-Texans, could you use this space to share the Blimpie Best Meme of the Week?

I sure can. Ladies and gentlemen here is the Blimpie Best Meme of the Week.

Q: Holy sh*t Informer are you really making fun of Derek Carr breaking his leg? Talk about poor taste. Seriously, this is a new low even for you. I bet if Joe Buck were still alive he would be rolling over in his grave right now at your disgusting act.

I know I am sorry. My only defense is I have drank about 17 Natty Lights so the “good taste” gene has officially left my body and has been replaced by the “say whatever you want no one is reading this garbage anyway evil Kerment” gene.

Q: Listen Informer, there is obviously no coming back from that tasteless meme. It was truly awful man. But for the sake of gambling purposes, could you please give us your NFL Wild Card Weekend picks and then end this abortion of a mailbag right away.

You know what? That is probably the best move for everyone involved at this point. So wrapping the mailbag up, I am officially taking the Raiders (+4), HGHawks (-9), Dolphins (+10) and Giants (+4.5).

Q: Hey Informer I know you said you were wrapping this up, but I have one more question: If the Raiders signed Tim Tebow before their game with the Texans do you think they would win the Super Bowl?

Yes. Yes I do.

#LongLiveTebow #HaveAGreatPlayoffWeekend.

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About Author

Since 2003 The Informer has written for newspapers, websites and blogs with one goal in mind: Write a funny and informative sports article unlike anything that has been written before.