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The Informer’s 2016 NFL Picks: Week 14

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Here are The Informer’s Week 14 NFL Picks.

OAKLAND RAIDERS @ KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-3)

Q: Hey Mis-Informer I bet you are not even man enough to post your “proof of sh*t picks” tweet from Thursday, are you? That is what I thought you scared coward.

Did you just quote Mike Tyson? Well done.

Now as far as your question goes; if I am man enough to boast when I get a pick right, I have to be man enough to beg for forgiveness when I get it wrong. So with that in mind, here is my “proof of sh*t picks” tweet for Thursday Night Football:

Pick: Loss (+3) & Loss (1hu23.5)

DENVER BRONCOS @ TENNESSEE TITANS (-1)

Q: Is Paxton Lynch really so bad that the defending Super Bowl Champions are underdogs against an AFC South team? Seriously, is there any rational way to explain why Vegas would make the Titans lay points in this game?

Ummm . . . Cocaine is a hell of a drug?

Listen, I am with you. There is no way in the bluest of Tennessee blue hells that the Titans should be favored over the defending Super Bowl Champions. And I swear on my 82 Randy Moss rookie cards, that I am not just saying this to try and reverse jinx the Titans into winning so my “Tennessee over six wins” bet comes true.

Pick: Broncos (+1)

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-1.5)

NEW YORK JETS @ SAN FRANCISCO (-2.5)

Q: Informer will you please skip over the dumpster fires known as the Jets-49ers & Chargers-Panthers and instead share with us the Week 14 Blimpie Best Meme of the Week?

I sure will. Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the Week 14 Blimpie Best Meme of the Week:

aa-jets-challenge

#ClassicMannequinChallenge

Pick: Chargers (+1.5) Jets (+2.5)

HOUSTON TEXANS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-6.5)

Q: Hey Informer how fat, drunk and stupid would a person have to be to actually put their hard earned money on Brock Osweiler on the road getting less than a touchdown?

I would say about 350 pounds, with an IQ of 78 (Is that a low IQ?) and the person would have to be at least 13.5 Natty Lights deep.

Pick: Texans (+6.5)

PITTSBURGH STEELERS @ BUFFALO BILLS (+1.5)

Q: Are the Buffalo Bills going to make the Playoffs in 2016?

My first reaction was to laugh at this question because the Bills are going to lose on Sunday thus causing their record to drop to a putrid 6-7. But, after looking at their schedule, I found out that I can’t laugh them off just yet because they finish the season playing against the Browns, Dolphins and Jets.

So to answer the question: I don’t know, but maybe.

Pick: Steelers (-1.5)

CINNCINATI BENGALS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (+5.5)

MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (+3)

Q: What is The Informer’s favorite gambling rule of the 2016 NFL Season?

My absolute favorite gambling rule of the 2016 NFL Season is that a person should always bet against the Browns and Jaguars. I am talking no matter what, even if there is a fire.

Pick: Bengals (-5.5) & Vikings (-3)

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (-1)

Q: Why is David Johnson not getting more love for the 2016 NFL MVP Award?

Statistically David Johnson should be in the NFL MVP argument, but there is one very big problem that Johnson’s statistical case can’t overcome – the Arizona Cardinals suck. I am sorry to be that guy, but because the Cards are not good at football, Johnson cannot and will not be the 2016 NFL MVP.

Pick: Dolphins (-1)

CHICAGO BEARS @ DETROIT LIONS (-7.5)

Q: How in the hell are the Detroit Lions without Calvin Johnson and with Jim Caldwell about to win the NFC North?

I have absolutely no idea, but for some reason I can’t help but think this is all Obama’s fault.

Pick: Bears (+7.5)

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ TAMPA BAY (-2.5)

Q: Did you know that if Drew Brees averages 300 yards per game for the next four games he will throw for 5,000 yards for the fifth time in his NFL career? Did you also know that in NFL history only four other quarterbacks have ever thrown for at least 5,000 yards (Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Matt Stafford & Dan Marino), but none of them have done it more than once like Brees has?

Did you also know that Drew “Mr. 5000” Brees has never won an NFL MVP Award.? I mean, how is that even possible?

Pick: Saints (+2.5)

WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (+1)

Q: Hey Informer what is your prediction for the Washington-Philadelphia game? And please don’t give us some generic John Madden quote where you say “I think the team with the most points at the end of the game will end up winning.” That would be lame and unoriginal Informer.

Okay, my prediction for this NFC East showdown is that at the end of the day one team will walk away with a victory under their belts, and the other team will be the Philadelphia Eagles.

Pick: Washington (-1)

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (+3)

Q: Have the Green Bay Packers ever been home underdogs before? Seriously, is this the first time in the history of the NFL that is has happened? I bet if Brett Favre was still alive he would be rolling over in his grave.

I honestly have no idea when the last time the Packers were a home underdog. Was it that time Matt Flynn started for them against the Lions and threw 6 TD passes? Was it against the Patriots two years ago? Was Don Majkowski involved? I do not know. There is one thing I do know though; I am not going to lay points against Aaron Rodgers at home in a must win December game (Rodgers has won 14 straight December home games).

Pick: Packers (+3)

ATLANTA FALCONS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (+6)

Q: The Los Angeles Rams are trash.

That is not even a question, but it is 100% correct and also made me laugh out loud while rolling on the floor with my a** off.

Pick: Falcons (-6)

DALLAS COWBOYS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (+3)

Q: Informer, is Zeke Elliot still you’re 2016 NFL MVP heading into Week 14?

Yes he is. In fact, as of now my 2016 NFL MVP Top 3 is:

  1. Ezekiel Elliot – I think Elliot is about to put the finishing touches on his MVP candidacy on Sunday Night Football against the Giants with a very Emmitt like 150-yard and two touchdowns performance.
  2. Tom Brady – “The Goat” has completed 69% of his passes while throwing for 19 TD passes, 1 interception and 2,470 yards passing in his eight starts. In other words, Tom Brady is playing perfect football at the QB position right now.
  3. Matt Stafford – I have no idea how the Detroit Lions are leading the NFC North right now. So for that fact alone, I am going to include Stafford in my Top 3. The guy has earned it.

Pick: Dallas (-3)

BALTIMORE RAVENS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-7)

Q: Hey Informer, isn’t there some obscure gambling rule that says a person should always bet against Tom Brady at home on Monday Night Football?

Actually the rule states that a person “should never bet against Tom Brady at home on Monday Night Football.

#TheMoreYouKnow.

Pick: Pats (-7)

aaa-jerry-rice

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Since 2003 The Informer has written for newspapers, websites and blogs with one goal in mind: Write a funny and informative sports article unlike anything that has been written before.