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The Informer’s 2016 NFL Picks: Week 13

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Informer’s Week 13 NFL Picks: The All NFL Mailbag Edition. As always, please keep in mind that almost all of these questions came from actual made up readers.

Q: As someone who “claims” to have the best NFL picks on the internet, I was really surprised to see you took Week 12 off. So what gives man? How come you did not write an article last week?

The truth is I had a few personal endeavors come up (like drinking too many Natty Lights and accidentally falling asleep by the pool) that kept me from having the time to write a proper NFL picks article. But, just because I did not write, that does not mean I took the week off from making picks. In fact, I actually had one of my best weeks of the season going 11-4-1 against the spread (for proof you can click here, here or here).

Q: Let me get this straight Informer: Now whenever you don’t “feel” like writing because you are a worthless alcoholic with “endeavors”, you are just going to post your picks on Twitter or Facebook? This is a new lazy low even for a bum like yourself.

To be fair, I have never attended any kind of meeting; therefore I think technically I am considered a drunk, not an alcoholic.

Q: Hey Informer I saw you took the Cowboys (-3) on Thursday Night Football so I have to ask: How does it feel to have Sam Bradford and the Vikings give you the backdoor?

Do you remember that scene in American History X where Edward Norton ends up lying face down on the shower floor with blood coming out of his body? That would be a good way to describe how it felt to get backdoored by Sam Bradford on Thursday.

Q: That was a very offensive reference Informer. There is nothing funny about man on man prison assaults. You better change your analogy right now or else I will protest by going to my safe space and never reading your articles again.

Okay I am very sorry. Here is a hopefully less offensive analogy: Minnesota’s backdoor cover gave me the same feelings that Andy Dufresne had during that year when “The Sisters” made his life a living hell.

Q: Good grief Informer. When are you going to stop talking about man on man prison assaults and give us the Blimpie Best meme of the week?

How about right now?

sam-bradford

#BoldMoveCotton #IHateSamBradford

Q: Who is the 2016 NFL MVP?

My top three in order:

  1. Ezekiel Elliot – Whether it is when the Cowboys are struggling, running like a well oiled machine, or trying to close a team out; Elliot is the straw who stirs the Cowboys proverbial drink. So, since Elliot is the key player on the best team in the NFL, he has to be number one on my 2016 NFL MVP list.
  2. Tom Brady – I firmly believe if Tom Brady continues to play like “Super Tom Brady” for the next five weeks he will be in the MVP conversation.
  3. Derek Carr – I am putting Carr on this list out of fear for my life. No really, Raiders fans go psycho if you don’t mention Carr as the MVP. It is scary how insane they are about it.

Q: How can Tom Brady be in your MVP consideration? He didn’t even play the first four games of the season? As usual Informer your list is complete trash, your article is garbage and you are the stupidest idiot on the face of Tim Tebow’s green Earth.

Regardless of how you feel about me, or this article, the fact remains that Tom Brady is having one of the best seasons an NFL quarterback has ever had. So no, I don’t care that he missed four games, if “The Goat” keeps doing what “The Goat” has been doing, than he has to be in the MVP conversation.

End of story.

Q: Informer who is going to win Super Bowl 51?

I honestly think whichever teams scores the most points in the Super Bowl game will be the winner.

Q: Really Informer? Can you give us an actual answer you John Madden wannabe piece of sh*t?

Listen, it is obviously way too early to say who is going to win Super Bowl LI. There are just too many unknowns that could completely change in the next five weeks. With that said, I do think it is safe to say that the only teams with an actual shot of hoisting the Lombardi trophy are the Patriots, Cowboys, HGHawks, Steelers, Chiefs, Raiders, Packers and Giants.

Q: So you don’t think the Denver Broncos and that defense could win the Super Bowl? Man just when I thought you couldn’t be any dumber, you go and prove me wrong. Well done “Mis-Informer”.

Here is the thing about Denver; no matter how great their defense is, as long as their quarterback is Trevor Siemian (or Paxton Lynch) they are not going to win multiple road playoff games in the year 2016. That is a fact. No matter how you slice it. Which means, since Denver is not going to get home field, their chances of winning Super Bowl LI are zero.

Q: What about the Falcons, Dolphins, Redskins, Ravens, Bills and Lions? How can you say these teams that might make the playoffs have zero chance to win the Super Bowl?

Sure, the teams you listed may have a chance to make the playoffs, but they will not be playing football in February. I can and will guarantee that.

Hell, if I am being totally honest, I actually think that if New England gets home field advantage my list of Super Bowl contenders shortens even further to Pats, Steelers, Cowboys, HGHawks, Packers and Giants (meaning I think the only AFC team that could win a playoff game in New England is Pittsburgh because they have Big Ben).

Q: Joe Flacco and Mark Sanchez have won playoff games in New England in the past you stupid fat idiot. So your f******* theory that only Pittsburgh and Big Ben can win in New England this year is moronic. I am being for real right now, you better say the Raiders can and will win against New England or else I will cut you. Do you hear me Informer? SAY IT NOW YOU F****** PRICK!!!

See what I mean about Raiders fans and me fearing for my safety?

Q: In all seriousness Informer: Can you please explain why anyone in their right mind should ever read one of your NFL picks articles?

Why yes I can explain.

Here goes.

According to NFL Pick Watch — of all the writers making NFL picks from sites like Yahoo, Forbes, ESPN, the Boston Globe, the USA Today, etc – here are the Top 10 experts when it comes to picking NFL games against the spread.

  1. Josh Katzowitz – Forbes: 94-76
  2. Walter Football – Walter Football: 94-77
  3. Will Brinson – CBS: 91-81
  4. Tom Rock – Newsday: 90-78
  5. Nate Davis – USA Today: 90-76
  6. Joe Manniello – Newsday: 90-79
  7. Mike Middlehurst-Schwartz: 89-77
  8. Christopher Gasper – Boston Globe: 89-80
  9. Sam Farmer – Los Angeles Times: 88-78
  10. Andrew Lynch – Fox: 88-79

Now this list begs the question: Where would The Informer be if NFLpickwatch.com kept track of his 2016 record? Well, the answer may be a shock, but my 99-73-6 record against the spread would make me the #1 ranked NFL picks against the spread expert on the internet.

So to answer the question; the reason people should read my incoherent drunken ramblings is because each and every week these drunken ramblings lead to the best NFL picks money can buy.

Speaking of which, here are The Informer’s Week 13 NFL Picks:

Dallas (-3), Denver (-3.5), Chiefs (+5), Packers (-6.5), Eagles (PK), Lions (+6), Bears (+2), New England (-13.5), Ravens (-3), Bills (+3.5), Tampa Bay (+4), Arizona (-2.5), Giants (+6.5), Seattle (-6.5) and Colts (-1.5)

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Records include Thursday Night Football.

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About Author

Since 2003 The Informer has written for newspapers, websites and blogs with one goal in mind: Write a funny and informative sports article unlike anything that has been written before.