Here are The Informer’s Week 10 2016 NFL Picks. Please enjoy.
CLEVELAND BROWNS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS (-9)
Q: I personally think any moron dumb enough to bet the Browns on the road should die of herpes and rot in hell with Bernie Kosar. Do you agree Mr. Informer?
Yes, I completely agree.
Speaking of which, I guess we might as well get this over with. Here is my proof of moron tweet for Thursday Night Football.
I will be taking Browns (+9) and first half (u22.5) #TNF
— The Informer (@therealinformer) November 10, 2016
Pick: Browns (+9) & 1st Half (u22.5)
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-3)
Q: What is a week in the life of The Informer like? I only ask because I am trying to figure out how an overweight drunk idiot like yourself can actually be 20 games over .500 when it comes to picking NFL games against the spread.
I don’t usually like to talk about my personal life, but since you asked so kindly why not?
- On Sunday’s I watch as much NFL football as humanly possible while also trying to set the record for Natty Lights consumed in a single day.
- On Monday’s I load up on Blimpies before watching as much NFL football as humanly possible while once again trying to set the record for Natty Light consumption.
- I usually spend Tuesday’s getting yelled at by my wife because I “accidentally” spent the entire day watching reruns of Saved by the Bell: The College Years.
- I use Wednesdays to re-hydrate (with Natty Lights of course) while listening to NFL/gambling podcasts and playing Tiger Woods Golf.
- On Thursday I chug as many Natty Lights as I can before making my bets (this is how a person ends up betting the Browns). I usually then wake up midway through the third quarter, check my records to see who I bet, and root for whichever team is going to make me money.
- Friday’s are the day I finalize all my picks and then hand this article over to my editor (a man named Divac) who puts the finishing touches on before posting the article to The Schmozone.
- Finally, I use Saturday as a day of rest, reflection and of course Natty Light consumption.
As the great Paul Harvey used to say: “Now you know the rest of the story.”
Pick: Panthers (-3)
DENVER BRONCOS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-3)
Q: How are the Saints favored over the defending Super Bowl champions?
The only logical explanation is that Vegas felt bad for tricking people into betting the Browns on Thursday night, so they are giving us the gift of
Jericho Denver on Sunday.
Pick: Broncos (+3)
ATLANTA FALCONS @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (PK)
Q: So this past week I was diagnosed with Type 2 Adult Onset Diabetes the same day my girl left me for my best friend. Then two days later my dog got kidnapped while I was trying to fix my broken down truck. And to top it all off, thanks to your advice on betting the Browns, I am now getting evicted from my trailer. Honestly,life has been so bad that all I want to do is find a safe space where I can get drunk and cry while listening to sad country songs. Do you have any suggestions to help a guy?
And I thought Bill Clinton’s wife was having a bad week? Yikes.
Luckily, Mr. fake reader who doesn’t exist, you came to the right place. Because if there is one thing The Informer knows; it is how to have a good meltdown. So with that in mind, here are my top five go to country songs whenever I am in the need of a good “safe space” cry.
- Trace Adkins: You’re Gonna Miss This
- Kenny Chesney: That’s Why I’m Here
- John Michael Montgomery: Letters From Home
- Blackhawk: Goodbye Says It All
- Cole Swindell: You Should Be Here
I hope my sad country song list helps man. And also, good luck finding your dog.
Pick: Atlanta (PK)
MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ WASHINGTON REDSKINS (-2.5)
Q: Did you vote, Informer?
I did vote.
In fact, as a first time voter, I was really surprised to learn that I could get on Twitter and cast as many votes as I wanted, whenever I wanted. All I had to do was find someone’s Twitter poll and click who I wanted and then boom –my vote was cast.
It was seriously that easy.
Speaking of easy, betting against Sam Bradford on the road may be the easiest pick of the week that doesn’t rhyme with the words “Teen Ray Yackers”.
Pick: Washington (-2.5)
CHICAGO BEARS @ TAMPA BAY (PK)
Q: For the love of gawd Informer, please tell me you are joking? You do know that Twitter polls do not count as actual votes, right?
Ummm . . . Yea . . . I was just joking. Let’s go with that option.
Pick: Bears (PK)
HOUSTON TEXANS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (+1.5) LOS ANGELES RAMS @ NEW YORK JETS (-1.5) SAN FRANCISCO @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (-13.5)
Q: Informer will you please skip over the Texans-Jags, 49ers-Cards & Rams-Jets games and instead give us the Blimpies Best meme of the week?
Ask and you shall receive. Here is the Week 10 Blimpies Best meme of the week:
Pick: Jets (-1.5) Texans (+2.5) & 49ers (+13.5)
MIAMI DOLPHINS @ SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (-4.5)
Q: Does it hurt your feelings to know that even though you are giving out the best free picks in the world, people still don’t read your articles because you are a worthless hack who is neither funny nor informative?
I am not going to lie; it does hurt my feelings a little.
Pick: Dolphins (+4.5)
DALLAS COWBOYS @ PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-2.5)
Q: Is Super Bowl XXX between the Cowboys and Steelers the worst Super Bowl of All-time?
I have no idea where this question came from, but since it is here I might as well answer: Super Bowl XXX was not the worst Super Bowl of all-time. The worst Super Bowl ever is the abomination known as Super Bowl XXXV where Trent Dilfer defeated Kerry Collins 34-7.
No really, Trent Dilfer defeated Kerry Collins in a Super Bowl. That actually happened. You can look it up on the internet and everything.
Pick: Steelers (-2.5)
GREEN BAY PACKERS @ TENNESSEE TITANS (+2.5)
Q: Hey Informer, what are the chances that Aaron Rodgers loses two straight games against AFC South teams?
I am not ready to live in a world where Aaron Rodgers loses consecutive NFL games to AFC South teams. Therefore, I am going to go out on a limb and say there is a zero percent chance the Green Bay Packers don’t win and cover on Sunday.
Pick: Green Bay (-2.5)
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-7.5)
Q: Can Tom Brady really miss four games and still be the 2016 NFL MVP?
Did the Cavaliers win the 2016 NBA Championship? Did the Cubs win the 2016 World Series? Did Trump just get voted President of the Untied States?
Just saying, in 2016 anything and everything is possible.
Pick: Seattle (+7.5) & 1st half (u24.5)
CINNCINATI BENGALS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (-2.5)
Q:Why do I get the feeling that this section is going to be all about how A.J. Green is only 104 yards away from joining Randy Moss as the only players in NFL history to start their careers with six straight 1,000 yard seasons? Or how “The Sickness” is on pace to become the first wide receiver to make the Pro Bowl in each of his first six seasons? Or maybe we will get lucky and “The Informer” will tell us how he made an “A.J. Green to have the most yards receiving” bet at the beginning of the season. You are so predictable Informer.
You forgot to mention how A.J. Green has more career yards and touchdown than Julio Jones. But other than that, I guess you pretty much said everything I had to say about Monday Night Football.
Pick: Bengals (+2.5) & 1st half (u24)