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The Informer’s 2016 NFL Picks: Week 9

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Here are The Informer’s Week 9 2016 NFL Picks (aka the made up reader’s mailbag part deux edition). Please enjoy.

ATLANTA FALCONS @ TAMPA BAY (+4)

Q: Hey Informer, why are you doing a made up reader mailbag for the second straight week?

Because two weeks ago I used a made up reader’s question in my NFL picks article and I ended up going 12-3 against the spread. Then last week I did an entire NFL picks article using made up reader’s questions and finished 10-3 against the spread. So obviously, if answering questions from made up readers is going to keep giving me 10+ win weeks against the spread, then I am damn sure going to keep answering questions from made up readers.

Now that we have covered the why I am doing what I do, here is my proof of picks tweet for Thursday Night Football:

Pick: Falcons (-4) & 1st Half (u25.5)

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ NEW YORK GIANTS (-2.5)

Q: I know I asked this last week, but since you didn’t really give your readers an answer, I am going to go ahead and ask it again: Why in the blue hell should anyone read your stupid NFL picks article? All you do is talk about being an overweight drunk while making picks without any context or reasoning.

Well, due to the fact that I don’t want to be one of those blowhards who gets hammered drunk and brags about their 67-51-3 NFL picks record; I think the best course of action here is to completely ignore this question while moving onto the next game without giving any reason as to why I am taking the Giants.

Pick: Giants (-2.5)

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-8)

Q: What is the official gambling rule when it comes to Nick Foles being favored by more than a touchdown and having 70% of the public betting on him to cover?

Gambling rule 105.9.24 clearly states that a person must never, not even if there is a dumpster fire named Blake Bortles involved, bet on a favored Nick Foles giving more than a touchdown.

Pick: Jags (+8)

DETROIT LIONS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-5.5)

Q: Informer which bandwagon suffered more casualties last weekend? The “Matthew Stafford is a great quarterback” bandwagon, or the “Sam Bradford is going to lead the Vikings to the Super Bowl” bandwagon.

Unknown sources are confirming the casualties from the Sam Bradford experiment actually set a world record for most deaths ever in one single bandwagon jumping incident. So “Bradford being Bradford” is the answer to your question.

Pick: Vikings (-5.5)

CAROLINA PANTHERS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (+3)

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (+3.5)

Q: Informer I can’t wait any longer. Will you please identify this weeks’ worst games and then give us the Blimpie Best meme of the Week?

Ask and you shall receive.

dildoes

And this article has reached a new low.

Pick: Panthers (-3) & Saints (-3.5)

DALLAS COWBOYS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (+7)

Q: Should the Cowboys start a healthy Tony Romo over NFL Hall of Famer Dak Prescott?

No.

Pick: Dallas (-7)

PITTSBURGH STEELERS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS (PK)

Q: Do you hate the Steelers and Ravens as much as I do?

Yes.

Pick: Ravens (PK)

TENNESSEE TITANS @ SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (-5.5)

Q: Why do you think the NFL ratings are down? Is it because of protests? Is it because of the crappy Thursday night games? Is it because the 5X NFL MVP Peyton Manning retired? Is it because of flying dildos? Is it because Roger Goodell suspended Tom Brady, ignored concussions and hates when players celebrate? Or do you think it is a combination of all of the above?

How about the fact that parents are tired of explaining to their children what a four hour erection is during every commercial break?

Don’t laugh . . . This is a real thing.

Just last Sunday my daughter looked me square in the eyes and said “Gee dad, I really hope I never get an erection that lasts longer than four hours.”

How in the hell am I supposed to respond to that?

Do I explain that no matter how many times the NFL shows the commercial, she does not have to worry because a four hour erection is something only a man can get after he takes pills designed to get him ready for sexual intercourse (which means I would then have to explain what sexual intercourse is)? Or do I say nothing at all because I don’t want to talk about erections with my four year old daughter, and thus she goes through life fearing that one day — as long as she doesn’t take nitrates for heart disease — she may have to consult a physician about an erection lasting longer than four hours?

Seriously, am I the only one who is pissed off about this? There has to be others, right? And if there are others, should we start a “The NFL ruined my children’s childhood by constantly talking about boner pills” support group? We could meet on Thursday nights via Skype instead of watching the garbage the NFL puts on while pretending to care about player safety and the youth of America.

Anyways, to answer the question, I think it is a combination of the things mentioned above coinciding with the influx of boner pill commercials taking over our televisions every Sunday.

Pick: Chargers (-5.5)

NEW YORK JETS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (-3.5)

Q: How many Natty Lights will it take before The Informer actually wants to watch this game?

Vegas has set the over/under at 15.5. Naturally (pun intended), I will be drinking taking the over.

Pick: Jets (+3.5)

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-7.5)

Q: Hey Informer, I heard you are using the Colts in your “pick a loser” NFL survivor contest. Does that mean you are going to try to reverse jinx Indy into losing by picking them to cover the spread at Lambeau?

Listen, I personally do not believe that drunk bloggers have the ability to jinx NFL teams. That would be asinine and ridiculous.

With that said, I am taking the Colts to cover on Sunday because no team should ever be a 7.5 point favorite over Andrew Luck. Also, I honestly think — and again this is not a reverse jinx because there is no such thing – that the Colts should win this game by at least two touchdowns based on the facts that Aaron Rodgers is trash and the Green Bay Packers are the Cleveland Browns of the NFC North.

#ILiedITotallyBolieveDrunkBloggersCanJinxNFLTeams

Pick: Colts (+7.5)

DENVER BRONCOS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (PK)

Q: Are you buying the Derek Carr MVP hype?

If Derek Carr handles his business Sunday night against the best defense in the NFL, then I will put him in the 2016 NFL MVP conversation right next to Tom Brady and Matt Ryan.

Pick: Raiders (PK) & 1st Half (u22)

BUFFALO BILLS @ SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-6.5)

Q: How are the HGHawks less than a touchdown favorite at home on Monday Night Football?

The only logical reason I could think of is that Vegas is once again Jay Cutler wasted.

Pick: HGHawks (-6.5) & 1st Half (u22)

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*Records include Thursday Night Football

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About Author

Since 2003 The Informer has written for newspapers, websites and blogs with one goal in mind: Write a funny and informative sports article unlike anything that has been written before.