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The Informer’s 2016 NFL Picks: Week 8

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Here are The Informer’s Week 8 2016 NFL Picks (aka the made-up reader’s mailbag edition). As always please enjoy.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ TENNESSEE TITANS (-3.5)

Q: Wow Mis-Informer, nice call on the 1st half unders in Primetime last night. I for one know that will be the last time I ever take your stupid advice. Will you please do the world a favor and go eat an Ebola virus sandwich?

So we are just going to ignore the part about me picking the Titans and focus on the one I got wrong? That seems fair.

In hindsight though, it probably was a mistake to recommend a bet that had won nine straight times and has a 16-7 record on the season. I mean, who reading this really likes winning at least 70% of their bets? I know I sure as hell don’t. Anyways, which is my polite way of saying let’s just move on from this idiotic and un-informed question, here is my 1/2 right proof of picks tweet from Thursday morning.

Pick: Titans (-3) & 1st Half (u21.5)

WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ CINCINNATI BENGALS (-3)

Q: Hey Informer, how come last week you did not do a London section where you talk about getting Jay Cutler wasted and having carnal relations with pregnant hookers while using British words that no one understands so it is not offensive to read?

This is the Tim Tebow’s honest truth: Last week when I was writing I lost the plot because I was so gutted from having a wonky Week 6. Honestly, I thought I was going to be made redundant for seeing a man about a dog with my rubbish NFL picks. But even worse than having my knob head boss cut my bollocks off, was the thought of going a fortnight with dodgy NFL picks. That is why in Week 7, instead of taking the piss and going on the pull for some pregnant punter’s fanny, I went a tad more skive because I thought it would help me avoid throwing a spanner in the works. And as you could see from your Telly’s, the strategy turned up aces; which means I will not have to sell my gentleman’s sausage in order to afford bit’ n bobs to keep from freezing my twigs & berries off when it’s monkeys outside.

Bob’s your uncle.

Now if you will excuse me, I am off to Bedshore to dream about strawberry creams.

Pick: Bengals (-3)

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS @ BUFFALO BILLS (-6.5)

Q: Mr. Informer what was your Tom Brady rule again? Is it that you should always bet against him during his “f**k you, you broke the rules” Roger Goodell revenge tour?

No good sir, that is wrong. The rule is that we “never” bet against Tom Brady during his “f**k you, you broke the rules” Roger Goodell revenge tour.

Pick: Pats (-6.5)

DETROIT LIONS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-2.5)

Q: Hey ass clown do you realize that you don’t even talk about football or NFL gambling rules anymore? Instead you just make jokes about being fat, drunk and stupid while giving out picks with absolutely no context and over using the word garbage. I mean seriously, why should anyone read your hack writings or take your useless advice?

Oh wow . . . This guy is really mad. I would hate to ask him how he really felt.

But as far as why anyone should read/take my advice, I’ll let my very in depth analysis for this game speak for itself. Here goes . . . I think Brock Osweiler is a flaming bag of dog feces and should not be favored over any NFL team ever.

Pick: Lions (+2.5)

SEATTLE HGHAWKS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (+3)

Q: Why does the Seattle offense suck so bad this year?

It is either because Russell Wilson got married to that super hot singer and is now focused on more “carnal” things. Or, their HGH supplier went on strike (allegedly). Either way, until we see improvement I can’t bet the banged up HGHawks as a road favorite against “Mr. 5000” Drew Brees.

Pick: Saints (+3)

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (+2.5)

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-2.5)

NEW YORK JETS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (+3.5)

Q: Informer why do you have these three games lumped together into one section?

Well, because I have decided to make this week’s “biggest piece of garbage game” a three way tie. So as usual, instead of wasting time and energy discussing these dumpster fires, I will use this section to promote the Blimpies Best meme of the week:

kicker

The Internet remains undefeated.

Pick: Browns (+3.5), Panthers (-2.5) & Chiefs (-2.5)

OAKLAND RAIDERS @ TAMPA BAY (-1.5)

Q: So the Cavaliers just won the championship. The Cubs & Indians are playing in the World Series. And the Raiders are leading AFC West. This begs the question Informer: Are these the first signs of the apocalypse?

I do not think the apocalypse is going to have anything to do with sports. So my answer is no. With that said, I have it on good authority from numerous made up sources that winter coat sales have been through the ground in Hell this year.

Pick: Raiders (+1.5)

GREEN BAY PACKERS @ ATLANTA FALCONS (-3)

Q: Hey Informer, since it is basically the halfway point of the NFL season, are you going to hand out any mid-season awards?

Ask and you shall receive.

  • NFL Rookie of the Year: Dak & Zeke
  • Comeback Player of the Year: Andrew Luck
  • Best QB: Tom Brady
  • Best WR: A.J. Green
  • Best RB: Zeke Elliot
  • Best TE: Jimmy Graham
  • Best Defense: Vikings
  • Best Coach: Bill Belichick
  • 2016 NFL MVP: Tom Brady

Picks: Packers (+3)

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS @ DENVER BRONCOS (-5)

Q: What coach hates letting their bell cow running back score touchdowns more, Bud Kilmore or Gary Kubiak?

I think in light of how Bud Kilmore’s West Canon High career ended, he has to be the unanimous selection here.

Pick: Broncos (-5)

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ DALLAS COWBOYS (-4.5)

Q: If Tony Romo is healthy, should he be the starter in Dallas?

No. If the Cowboys want to win a Super Bowl this season they should stick with the NFL Hall of Fame rookie quarterback Dak Prescott.

Pick: Cowboys (-4.5) & 1st Half (u22)

MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ CHICAGO BEARS (+5)

Q: Hey Informer, what are the rules when it comes to betting the 1st half under in Primetime?

What a great question. Thank you for asking. The answer is when it comes to betting the 1st half under in Primetime there are seven rules that must be followed at all times.

They are as follows:

  1. The first rule is you don’t talk about betting the 1st half under in Primetime.
  2. The second rule is –YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT BETTING THE 1ST HALF UNDER IN PRIMETIME!!!
  3. When Vegas says stop, or tries to go limp, you double down.
  4. Remember there are only two guys that lose a 1st half under in Primetime bet on a consistent basis, Vegas and your bookie.
  5. There is only one Primetime game a night so bet it accordingly.
  6. As long as you bet the 1st half under in Primetime every single time, you will never be without shirts or shoes.
  7. The 1st half under in Primetime goes the entire season.
  8. If this is your first time reading, you have to bet the 1st half under in Primetime.

Pick: Vikings (-5) & 1st Half (u20)

Happy Halloween y’all.

moss, NFL

*Records include Thursday Night Football.

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Since 2003 The Informer has written for newspapers, websites and blogs with one goal in mind: Write a funny and informative sports article unlike anything that has been written before.