Divac’s Week 6 NFL Flop, rambling and incoherent thoughts that may or may not have anything to do with every NFL game this week.
49ers @ Bills
Over/under 2.5 offensive plays before we truly realize how moronic it was to play five weeks of professional football with Blaine Gabbert as your quarterback instead of Colin Kaepernick? Like, it’s pretty obvious without having to watch any football … I mean, we’re talking about Blaine Gabbert here, but a 75-yard touchdown pass to Torrey Smith who decides to come out of hibernation two times every season will be all it takes. I can just envision the 49ers actually winning this game and people losing their sh** over Kaepernick taking a knee to end the game.
Eagles @ Redskins
What’s with this “bow-and-arrow celebration” bullsh**? Saints WR Brandin Cooks came out and said some stuff about his bow-and-arrow celebrating which can basically be summed up as “f***you, NFL. I’mma shoot my arrows as I please.” Here’s an excerpt taken from this FOX Sports piece:
The bow-and-arrow gesture has been deemed a “violent act” by the NFL, but that term doesn’t apply to Cooks’ move. Last year, Cooks explained that it’s a reference to the Bible and a boy named Ishmael, who used archery to survive in the desert.
Forget the NFL. They are dumb when it comes to almost everything so this is to be expected. “Violent act.” That’s a joke, but are we really referencing the Bible and boys named Ishmael to choreograph touchdown celebrations? Really? Can’t you just shoot the bow-and-arrow because it looks cool (it does)? Why does their need to be some underlying bullsh** to justify this? I see right through your bullsh** Brandin Cooks. How about you actually catch a touchdown before choreographing your touchdown celebrations? That would be a true commemoration for your boy Ish.
Browns @ Titans
May the Cleveland Browns burn in hell for cutting the ‘Clipboard Jesus.’ I would now like to provide an obituary for the fallen one:
Clipboard Jesus, age unknown, was cut by the Browns on October 11, 2016 in Cleveland, Ohio. He was the partner of famous singer, Jewel, and they have been together since the Clemson-Alabama title game.
Born in the province of Judea, the Clipboard Jesus attended Clemson University and was employed as a “clipboard holder” for nearly every team in the National Football League. He sometimes even got to play if enough injuries to other quarterbacks occurred.
Clipboard Jesus will be remembered for his hipster hats, his beautiful flowing hair, dressing up at press conferences like an Italian mafia boss, and his unique stretching techniques. He is survived by his soulmate, Jewel, and of course by his clipboard. He was preceded in death by Robert Griffin III.
The funeral service will be held at Nissan Stadium in Nashville, Tennessee during halftime of the Browns-Titans game on Sunday, October 16 at 1 P.M. EST. Clipboard Jesus will be buried at midfield with his beloved clipboard.
Memorial donations/in lieu of clipboards may be made to the “Clipboards for Kids” foundation which provides underprivileged children with clipboards. Rest in peace, Clipboard Jesus. Nobody will ever hold a clipboard quite like you.
Ravens @ Giants
This game will set the record for the highest frequency of inefficient passing attempts in league history. Flacco and Eli will probably drop back a combined 100 times this game and neither will break 250 yards or throw for more than a touchdown.
Panthers @ Saints
I don’t know why I talked about the Brandin Cooks thing in the Redskins-Eagles blurb, but I needed to get that off my chest. Maybe it’s because I don’t really want to talk about this game.
Jaguars @ Bears
Or this one.
Rams @ Lions
Or this … f*** can’t pull that three straight games. Um, league rules stipulate that Jeff Fisher cannot be over .500 more than five weeks into the season and the Rams currently sit at 3-2. Sounds like a game that doesn’t even need to be played. Also, Case Keenum is still a starting quarterback six weeks into the season so if you had Case Keenum in your NFL QB Survivor pool over Blaine Gabbert, congratulations! You need to re-asses the type of pools you are in.
Steelers @ Dolphins
Random good Ryan Tannehill game alert. Tannehill has looked so bad the last two weeks that it would be just the most Ryan Tannehill thing ever to look good and for everybody to once again wonder, “Hey, maybe the Dolphins do have something here with Tannehill.” They don’t and never will, even if he throws for 400 yards and three scores on Sunday.
Bengals @ Patriots
Some punishment you dropped there, Goodell. Suspend Brady for the first four games of the season as the Patriots go 3-1 and then have him come back against the Browns so he can throw for four bajillion yards and fifty touchdowns. Wow, you got him Rog. Poor Cleveland and it’s not even a Cleveland problem anymore. The Cavs are good, the Indians are good … this is a Browns problem. Poor Browns. Only the Browns would be unlucky enough to draw angry Brady in his first game back and — not only that — but have their “starting QB” Cody Kessler get hurt while getting tackled for a SAFETY so they have to play their fourth QB in five weeks, (and that’s not counting Terrelle Pryor and I also use the term “QB” lightly) the “Clipboard Jesus” Charlie Whitehurst. I stand by my previous “the Browns should burn in hell for cutting the Clipboard Jesus” comment and every word of his obituary because nobody holds a clipboard like Charlie Whitehurst but anytime you have to turn “Clipboard Jesus” into “Quarterback Jesus,” you are going to have some problems.
Falcons @ Seahawks
So maybe the Falcons are for real? Matt Ryan is the league’s best quarterback as it stands. The defense looks legitimate. The run game looks fierce. The NFC South is wide open. And Julio Jones. Oh, Julio Jones.
Nope, not falling for this one. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again. You will not trick me, Falcons. Your head coach is legitimately a Stone Cold Steve Austin impersonator:
Dan Quinn is to Stone Cold as Gillberg was to Goldberg. Does that make sense?
You Falcons started out 6-1 last season and went 8-8. I will not be fooled. Every year the weather forecast calls for an annual Matt Ryan sh**storm and this year will be no different. It’s like the weather phenomenon “El Nino” at this point. It’s happening every year (2014-16 for all those meteorologists out there). In fact, I’d surmise that “El Nino” is a better and much more accurate nickname than “Matty Ice.”
Chiefs @ Raiders
Well, if Jack Del Rio isn’t just the ballsiest coach to ever coach. Two-point conversion to beat the Saints Week 1, 4th & 2 to beat the Ravens Week 5. He had winning seasons with the Jaguars on multiple occasions, three of them in fact. That’s like winning three Super Bowls, and now he’s got the Raiders at 4-1. Sure, he looks like the villain in a Disney Channel movie and also bears a striking resemblance to Shooter McGavin, but JDR is coach of the year as we enter Week 6.
Cowboys @ Packers
Instead of talking about how dumb it would be to put Tony Romo back in for Dak Prescott, here’s a minute of Ric Flair going nuts for no reason at all:
Colts @ Texans
I just googled “Andrew Luck” and two of the first three stories that came up were, “Andrew Luck becoming the next Philip Rivers” and “Who to start Week 6: Andrew Luck or Marcus Mariota?”
Please save Andrew Luck from the Indianapolis Colts. If only Harry Stamper were still alive…
Jets @ Cardinals
Are we done with Ryan Fitzpatrick being a starting-caliber NFL quarterback? Did his career record of 43-61-1 record coming into the season not indicate that before? Fitzpatrick is currently on pace to toss 32 interceptions which would be the most since 1988 when — who else — Vinny Testaverde threw 35 for the Bucs. Remarkably, Testaverde did that in only 15 games. Fitzpatrick has some work to do to catch Vinny, but if anybody can I think it’s the “Wandering Amish Nomad” Ryan Fitzpatrick.