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The Informer’s 2016 NFL Picks: Week 5

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Here are The Informer’s Week 5 NFL Picks. As always, I hope you enjoy.

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (+2.5)

My proof of winning tweet:

Pick: Arizona (-2.5) & 1ST Half (u21.5)

WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS (-3.5)

Has anyone else ever had their NFL picks article flagged by a social media site? If so, do you know why it happens? I have been racking my brain trying to figure out why last week’s article was deemed offensive and I am officially coming up blank.

I mean, is it because I allegedly said Jay Cutler was an alcoholic with a vagina? Is it because there were half naked girls in cheerleader outfits? Is it because I over use the words dumpster-fire, trash and garbage? Is it because I started talking in a British accent about going to London and getting black out drunk? Is it because I said a person should not use toilet paper as a contraceptive while having sexual intercourse with pregnant hookers? Or is it because my writing is so horrendously bad, that they had no choice but to mark it as offensive so others would not be subjected to my drunken ramblings?

On second thought, maybe the trash/vagina/drinking/hooker jokes mixed in with the hack writing was a bit much. How about I just apologize and then promise that I will never again — unless Natty light is involved of course — write an article that could be considered offensive, vulgar, ostentatious, explicit, inappropriate or that has anything to do with a drunken Jay Cutler’s private parts.

Scouts honor.

Pick: Washington (+3.5)

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ DETROIT LIONS (-3)

In the semi changed words of the mom from Leave it to Beaver, “Ward there is something wrong with the Cooter . . . And his friends Matt Stafford, Jim Caldwell and the Detroit Lions.”

“Are you being serious Informer? Didn’t you just apologize for being inappropriate? And now you go and besmirch the good Leave it to Beaver name by using one of their quotes to make a “cooter” joke? What is wrong with you man? Did you eat paint chips as a kid? Seriously, why are you the way you are?”

Umm . . . Natty Light is a hell of a drug?

Listen, I can’t explain why I am the way I am. Only the good Tebow upstairs knows that answer. But just so we are all on the same page, I do agree it is pathetic that a middle aged man couldn’t even go one full segment without making a “cooter” joke.

Other than that, the only thing left to say is I wish Joe Buck were still alive so he could tell me how much of a disgusting act this entire segment was.

Pick: Eagles (+3)

NEW YORK JETS @ PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-7)

Gambling rule #69: Under no circumstances will I ever bet Ryan Fitzpatrick on the road against Ben Roethlisberger giving less than 15 points.

Pick: Steelers (-7)

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (-10.5)

Here are five stats you need to know about this game.

  1. The last time a team scored 70 points in an NFL game was the Washington Redskins in 1966 when they scored 72 points against the New York Giants.
  2. During that same Giants-Redskins game, the two teams combined to score an NFL record 113 points.
  3. The most points ever by a single team in a NFL game came in 1940 when the Bears scored 73 points.
  4. The 1940 Bears also hold the record for most lopsided NFL victory of 73 points, as they shutout Washington 73-0 that day.
  5. And finally, now that Tom Brady is back from his ridiculous suspension, all of the above records are about to become obsolete.

That is right folks, I am officially predicting a 114-0 boat race victory by the New England Tom Brady’s on Sunday. Let the “f*ck you Rodger Goodell, you broke the rules” revenge tour begin.

Pick: Patriots (-10.5)

CHICAGO BEARS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-4.5)

Since both of these teams are an embarrassment to the sport of professional football, why don’t we use this section to announce the Blimpie Best meme of the week?

tom-barda

I would totally give this meme three “laughing hard crying” emoji’s and one “red faced mad” emoji.

Pick: Colts (-4.5)

HOUSTON TEXANS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-6.5)

This is what my made up sources are saying about the Minnesota Vikings: They have the best defense the NFL has seen since the 85’ Bears. Sam Bradford is the greatest Vikings quarterback since “The old gunslinger was dilla hunting” back in 2009. And they have one of the best 5 coaches in the NFL.

This is what my made up sources are saying about the Houston Texans: Brock Osweiler has zero chance to succeed on the road against the second coming of the 85′ Bears.

It does not take a rocket Scientologist to figure out exactly how this game is going to play out.

Pick: Texans (+6.5)

TENNESSEE TITANS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (-3.5)

Nope. Not gonna do it. This game is garbage and I am not going to dignify it with a response.

Pick: Titans (+3.5)

ATLANTA FALCONS @ DENVER BRONCOS (-5.5)

I enjoyed the “five must know facts section” from earlier so much that I thought we would break it out again. So with that in mind, here are five must know facts about Julio Jones’ historic 300 yard game.

  1. NFL teams are 6-0 all-time when one of their receivers has a 300 yard game.
  2. Jones is the first player in NFL history to have two games with more than 250 yards receiving.
  3. Jones is just the sixth player in NFL history to have 300 yards receiving in a single game.
  4. “Matty Ice” and Julio Jones became the first QB-WR combo to reach 500 yards passing and 300 yards receiving in the same game.
  5. And finally, during the Super Bowl era, no wide receiver has followed up their 300 yard game with a 100 yard performance the following week.

#TheMoreYouKnow

Pick: Broncos (-5.5)

CINNCINATI BENGALS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (PK)

Serious question: Would you rather have A.J. Green or Julio Jones? Me personally, I am an A.J. Green fan so I’m taking “The Sickness”. But man it would be hard to argue against the Julio Jones backers.

Pick: Bengals (PK)

BUFFALO BILLS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-2)

Do you want to know what causes me to wake up at night in a fear induced cold sweat thinking the world is going to end? Case “The Gunslinger” Keenum leading the Los Angeles Rams to a 4-1 record and first place in the NFC West.

That can’t happen in a civilized society, right?

Pick: Rams (-2)

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (-3.5)

Is anyone else excited to see how the Chargers are going to blow this game? Will they take a safety on the last play of the game to lose by one? Will they fumble while in victory formation leading to a Raiders last second field goal? Hell, maybe an asteroid will strike the goal line in the final seconds keeping the Chargers from running in for the game winning score.

Honestly, I am prepared for anything.

Pick: Chargers (+3.5)

NEW YORK GIANTS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-7)

I can describe every major gambling trend you need to know about this game in just six words: “Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime.”

Pick: Packers (-7) & 1st Half (u24.5)

TAMPA BAY @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-6.5)

If ever there was a time for “Famous Jameis” to prove his critics wrong, it is this week against the suddenly reeling (and banged up) Carolina Panthers. Give me the points, give me the first half unders, and give me Tampa Bay winning this game outright on Monday Night Football.

Pick: Tampa Bay (+6.5) & 1st Half (u22)

Including TNF wins for Cards & 1st half under.

Records include NFL Thursday Night Football

 

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Since 2003 The Informer has written for newspapers, websites and blogs with one goal in mind: Write a funny and informative sports article unlike anything that has been written before.