Divac’s Thursday Night Football Flop, some quick thoughts on what is generally the shi**est game on primetime television unless the Rams and 49ers are playing on Monday Night for some reason.
Miami Dolphins @ Cincinnati Bengals
Oh, f*** this game. Literally couldn’t draw up a sh*ttier Thursday Night Football game than this one. Sure, you may think Browns-Jaguars would be more sh*tty and you’re absolutely right. That would be infinitely more sh*tty. However, it’s fully expected that a game like that would be excessively sh*tty. You know it’s gonna suck. This one though doesn’t look that sh*tty on paper. If it were on a Sunday, you’d be like … eh, this might actually be a decent game. The Bengals — at least the regular season Bengals — are a respectable franchise. A.J. Green is pretty cool. The Dolphins aren’t all that terrible. I like Jarvis Landry. Tannehill is good once out of every five games. The defense is OK.
This game is going to suck though. Maybe not as much as Patriots-Texans last week, but it’s going to be bad. The score will end up really random, like a “how the f*** did the Dolphins score 15 points?” type of score. And this is Andy Dalton Thursday Night Football, remember that. I will never, EVER forget Andy Dalton’s 2014 Thursday night performance in a 24-3 loss to the Cleveland Browns. Ready for it?
I didn’t just type these numbers in. These are real actual statistics. Even if I were to make them up, I’d probably give Dalton at least 100 yards just to make it believable. Unless you’re Case Keenum, these type of numbers can only happen on a Thursday Night. AND AGAINST THE BROWNS! I’d make a case that given the stats and opponent, that this is the worst quarterbacked game in football history.
But that’s in the past. Let’s take a look at the future. Prediction time.
- Dalton throws for 206 yards in an ugly win. 200 of those yards go to A.J. Green. The other six are split around Tyler Boyd, C.J. Uzomah, and Gio Bernard. Brandon Lafell drops five passes.
- Jeremy Hill runs for a Mike Alstott-ian 15 yards and two touchdowns because why the f*** not?
- Ryan Tannehill is epically horrible because NFL by-laws state that Ryan Tannehill cannot have three consecutive games in which his statistical output exceeds replacement level quality.
- The Dolphins still hang in there offensively on the shoulders of somebody really random, let’s call it Kenyan Drake, and score their only touchdown on a strip sack fumble of Andy Dalton.
Don’t even need to watch the game now, but you may want to because there is some hope for entertainment value as Vontaze Burfict returns from suspension tonight for the Bengals so there’s a chance we actually see somebody murdered on the field.