Divac’s NFL Flop, rambling and incoherent thoughts that may or may not have anything to do with every NFL game this week.
Arizona Cardinals @ Buffalo Bills
Yay, new offensive coordinator day! It’s not like letting Ryan Fitzpatrick throw for 374 yards on only 24 completions had anything to do with … you know … losing last week. Offensive coordinator Greg Roman, perfect scapegoat for Rex Ryan’s sh** defense. Just look at this guy.
This is the portrait of a scapegoat. This is the guy you blame for eating all of the chocolate pudding when your mom yells at you.
Also, I learned last Thursday that E.J. Manuel still exists. Completely forgot about that guy. The Bills drafted him in the first round three years ago. Now he’s relegated to QB sneaks on fourth and short because he’s 6’5″.
Oakland Raiders @ Tennessee Titans
This is that random game that will mean nothing in the grand scheme of things, but will dominate NFL Red Zone coverage and make you say things like, “I knew I should’ve started Tajae Sharpe.” One of these teams will be above .500 though which I’d guess is the latest either of them have been above .500 in at least 8 years.
Cleveland Browns @ Miami Dolphins
At what point will NFL draft picks just start refusing to play for the Browns? You legitimately have a life expectancy of three minutes after putting on a Browns uniform. I’m pretty sure Josh Gordon’s arrest warrant was withdrawn because the police figured out he was just trying to get arrested again in order to avoid having to catches passes from Cody Kessler. I’m just waiting for the day a Browns’ draft pick just lights himself on fire like a monk protesting Chinese occupation of Tibet. Roger Goodell calls the kid up on stage and then the next thing you know he’s pouring a water bottle of gasoline all over himself. How horrifying would that be? Goodell would probably fine him.
Baltimore Ravens @ Jacksonville Jaguars
I’m not going to talk about this game because it’s horrible so it seems like a good time to talk about anybody who got UCLA at +3 vs. Stanford:
— theschmozone (@schmozone) September 25, 2016
Detroit Lions @ Green Bay Packers
Did you know that the Detroit Lions will be attempting a second straight win at Lambeau Field for the first time since December 15, 1992? They lost that game 38-10 and then didn’t win again at Lambeau Field until November 15, 2015. That’s when Jim Caldwell’s brain nearly managed to trigger an emotion:
This is also the first game between these two since Aaron Rodgers did this:
This game has three Matt Stafford picks and a 41-10 loss written all over it.
Denver Broncos @ Cincinnati Bengals
It’s gotten to the point now that you basically feel like Bill Belichick could go 16-0 with Dan Orlovsky running out of the back of the end zone every play, but let’s not ignore what Gary Kubiak/the Broncos defense is doing. Going 3-0 with a quarterback from Northwestern starting all of those games would be goddamn impressive. Before Trevor Siemian’s Week 1 start against the Panthers, a Northwestern alum had not started a NFL Week 1 game at quarterback since Otto Graham in 1955. Otto f***** Graham. Legitimately, the last good Cleveland Browns quarterback. Like he’s so old that it wasn’t even a death sentence yet to play quarterback for the Browns.
Minnesota Vikings @ Carolina Panthers
Somebody in my highly competitive, not for 20 bucks fantasy league traded C.J. Anderson, Tevin Coleman and Matt Jones for Randall Cobb and Adrian Peterson … after AP tore his meniscus. He cited his own “two week diagnosis” as his reasoning behind it. This will go down as the biggest abortion of a trade in league history. Our great grandchildren will talk about the time this guy traded for an injured Adrian Peterson.
Washington Redskins @ New York Giants AKA Josh Norman @ Odell Beckham Jr.
This may be the first game in NFL history where two players literally take the field with weapons. I imagine weapons just falling out of the sky during the game like it’s Super Smash Bros. and Beckham just picking up a huge barrel and rolling it towards Norman as Shane Vereen takes a screen pass for five yards. Can we just skip the whole Kirk Cousins part and have the Giants offense/Redskins defense on the field at all times? Give Cousins his 200 yards passing, two interceptions, and one touchdown for fantasy purposes and just tell him to take his $20 million and go home.