Time for the late/primetime games in my Week 2 NFL Flop. I already gave my rundown of the early games so check that out here.
Seattle Seahawks @ Los Angeles Rams
This is only an assumption, but I would surmise that there have been people who have enjoyed herpes more than watching Case Keenum play football last Monday night. Imagine being an LA football fan –better yet one who has no recollection of professional football ever being played in LA — and the first thing you get to witness is Case Ventura Pet Detective posting a QBR of 5.0. Not 50. FIVE! That’s basically “Hey, you wrote your name on the test. Here’s five points.” A 5.0 QBR is what you get for just taking the field without immediately falling over and sh***** yourself and it’s up for debate as to whether he even managed to do that.
RG3, that carnival goldfish of a quarterback who got himself hurt while doing next to nothing against the Eagles, even managed to put up a 22.0 QBR. I don’t even know how QBR is measured nor do I really care, but ESPN uses it a lot to talk about quarterbacks so I will too. What does a 5.0 QBR actually look like? 17/35, 130 yards, 0 touchdowns, and two interceptions. That’s a 3.7 yards per COMPLETION, boys and girls. That’s the Trent Richardson passing equivalent right there. Makes Blaine Gabbert’s 4.9 yards per completion look like Johnny Unitas.
With all that being said, he will probably throw for 300 yards and a couple scores in a close loss to Seattle because the NFL makes absolutely no sense.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Arizona Cardinals
This will be the biggest shellacking of Week 2 and it’s so damn obvious. Jameis Winston will be all depressed after watching his Flowda State Seminows get blasted by Louisville and won’t be able to emotionally recover in time to not throw three interceptions on Sunday. Meanwhile, the Cardinals are coming off a heartbreaking loss to the Patriots in which they played like complete garbage and let Jimmy Grappling Hook get his first NFL win throwing to the likes of Chris Hogan and Malcolm Mitchell. This game is over with 5 minutes left in the first quarter.
Atlanta Falcons @ Oakland Raiders
The trash Falcons get the pleasure of making the long trip to Oakland so they can officially start the season 0-2 against teams with pirate logos. They may not actually be the worst team in the NFL because the Browns exist, but they are the worst in the NFC (and I say that hopefully as a Bears fan). It’s just not possible to be a respectable franchise when you have a fanbase that will still think that Roddy White is the Falcons No. 2 WR a decade from now.
Then there’s the Raiders who are actually going to start the season 2-0 thanks in large part to Jack Del Rio executing a “look at how big my balls are!” two-point conversion to win it in New Orleans last week. You’re not going to find a bigger sh**storm then the Raiders first-half schedule. It’s riddled with the likes of Titans and Chargers and Jaguars. There’s a legitimate chance they could start out 6-2 before losing eight straight games, breaking their fans hearts, and then hightailing it to Las Vegas.
San Diego Chargers @ Jacksonville Jaguars
Did you know that the Jacksonville Jaguars have never had a quarterback — in the history of their esteemed franchise — throw 20 touchdowns in back-to-back seasons? Not Mark Brunell, not David Garrard, not Byron Leftwich, it’s never happened. Isn’t that just the most pathetic thing you’ve ever heard? Blake Bortles threw 35 touchdowns last season and is currently on pace to throw 16 touchdowns this season. This is undoubtedly a curse so what should this curse be called? I propose the “Curse of Steve Beuerlein” who was taken with the first pick in the Jaguars’ expansion draft and then quickly lost his starting job to Mark Brunell.
Indianapolis Colts @ Denver Broncos AKA “The Peyton Manning” Bowl
The Colts and Broncos haven’t played a football game without Peyton Manning involved since Week 5 of 1993. Isn’t that something? Amari Cooper wasn’t even born yet. Frank Gore wasn’t even eligibile for Medicare yet. Like, that was a long time ago. Would anybody like to take a guess as to how many quarterbacks the Cleveland Browns have started since Week 5 of 1993? 32 quarterbacks, including both McCown brothers. Incredible.
(P.S. This is the week we realize Andrew Luck isn’t back and was just playing the Lions in Wekk 1).
Green Bay Packers @ Minnesota Vikings
Sam Bradford starting the first ever game at the Vikings new Stadium? It’s happening Vikings fans. Had they known this would be the case, I doubt the city of Minneapolis would have approved the construction of U.S Bank Stadium. I’m surprised that after the Vikings traded for Bradford, they weren’t just like, “f*** it, knock the place down. We’ll play another season at TCF and build a new one when Bridgewater is back.” Stadiums don’t survive a Sam Bradford opening day, the same way in which Sam Bradford doesn’t survive more than six games under center. History can’t be changed, remember that Minnesota. U.S. Bank Stadium will forever be known as the “House that Sam Bradford Built” which I’d suspect is a house made of paper-thin glass that would shatter under the pressure of a mere thunderstorm.
Philadelphia Eagles @ Chicago Bears
You know the Bears are actually favored in this game? As a lifelong Bears fan, I must ask … are you on crack, Vegas? Last weekend, I met a guy at a party for my friends birthday; a hopeful Bears fan if you will. We began to talk about their upcoming game against the Texans and as usual I was rather pessimistic regarding their chances. This guy wasn’t though and he made sure to get my number saying that he would text me if the Bears won. Never in my entire life did I have more confidence that I wouldn’t be receiving a text message the next day. I’ve had more confidence that random girls I met at bars would text me back the following day. Are the Eagles any good? Of course not. They beat the Browns, that’s a half win. The Bears haven’t been this much of a dumpster fire though heading into the season since the Cade McNown days. They’ll be lucky to win six games and yes, I am a Bears fan but it’s just the reality of the situation.
Kevin White is already shaping up to be David Terrell 2.0 and who was the last good offensive player from West Virginia? Tavon Austin? Geno Smith? Pat White, Steve Slaton, Chris Henry (RIP)? You have to go all the way back to Marc Bulger to find a successful offensive player from the University of West Virginia in the NFL and he was sixth round pick. This means nothing, but I wanted to get Steve Slaton into my NFL Flop somehow so there you go. Remember how good that f***er was for one season? Ran for nearly 1,300 yards in 2008 with the Texans and then lost his starting job in 2009 to Ryan Moats. Talk about a fall from grace.