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The Informer’s 2016 NFL Picks: Week 2

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Here are The Informer’s Week 2 NFL Picks. As always, please enjoy.

NEW YORK JETS @ BUFFALO Bills (+1.5)

My proof of pick Tweet sent out Thursday morning:

Pick: Jets (-1) & 1ST Half (u20)

DALLAS COWBOYS @ WASHINGTON REDSKINS (-2.5)

Okay, so here is the deal; last week my picks were an absolute abortion. I know this. You know this. Obama knows this. The fact that I went 4-12 is simply unacceptable. But I promise, no matter what it takes, I will get back to giving the people winning picks.

So with that in mind, and in the name of doing everything I can to make The Informer’s picks great again, here is an actual conversation I had with my magic 8-Ball earlier today:

Me: “Is Kirk Cousins trash?”

8-Ball: “More than likely.”

Me: “Is Washington’s defense trash?”

8-Ball: “Signs point to yes.”

Me: “Is Washington’s entire team trash?”

8-Ball: “As I see it, yes.”

Me: “Am I saying the word trash too much?”

8-Ball: “My sources say no.”

Me: “Okay good, I was just making sure.”

8-Ball: “Reply hazy, try again.”

Me: “Okay, calm down man. Here is my question: Do I like to bet trash teams when they are favored?”

8-Ball: “Concentrate and ask again.”

Me: “Fine, should I bet Dallas or Washington on Sunday?”

8-Ball: “Better not tell you.”

Me: “Come on 8-Ball, you have to help me out.”

8-Ball: “Don’t count on it.”

Me: “Seriously dude, should I pick Dallas over Washington?”

8-Ball: “Cannot predict now.”

Me: “When can you predict?”

8-Ball: “Ask again later.”

Me: “For f*** sake 8-Ball, just give me an answer.”

8-Ball: “You may rely on it.”

Me: “What in the blue hell does that even mean? You are trash 8-Ball. Just like Washington.”

8-Ball: “Very doubtful.”

Me: “You are a real jerk 8-Ball. I hate you.”

8-Ball: “It is decidedly so.”

Obviously, that did not go as planned. But at the end of the day, I think we figured out Washington is trash, my magic 8-Ball is a douche-bag, and that I will be picking Dallas to start off my “making The Informer’s picks great again” Week 2 tour.

Pick: Cowboys (+2.5)

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS @ CAROLINA BLUE TIGERS (-13.5)

I know the golden rule of NFL gambling is you always take the double digit underdog. Even if that underdog is coming off a huge Monday night victory, they are traveling across two time zones to play a noon game, and their quarterback is Blaine Gabbert.

But honestly, I just can’t do it. Take my money if you will Vegas, but I will not put money on Blaine Gabbert on the road. I don’t care what the rules say. I just can’t do it captain. I don’t have the power.

Pick: Panthers (-13.5)

TENNESSEE TITANS @ DETROIT LIONS (-6)

I don’t care how great “The “Cooter” is, or how awesome Matthew Stafford has been in the past nine games (22 TDs and only 2 INT); there is no way on Tebow’s green Earth that I am ever going to believe a team is better off after getting rid of Calvin Johnson and keeping Jim Caldwell.

Pick: Titans (+6)

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (-4.5)

Do you all want to see a truly amazing stat? Check this out:

  • Randy Moss through 28 NFL Games: 129 receptions 2,320 yards & 24 TDs
  • Jerry Rice through 28 NFL Games: 114 receptions 2,209 yards & 16 TDs
  • Odell Beckham through 28 NFL Games: 191 receptions 2,828 & 25 TDs

Isn’t that amazing? Beckham is literally on pace to be the greatest wide receiver in NFL history. With that said, I will be taking the points on Sunday because Drew Brees and his laser-rocket arm will score enough to keep pace with the greatness of the ODB.

Pick: Saints (+4.5)

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-3)

Apparently I am supposed to be impressed with Brock Osweiler and the Houston Texans because they beat a hapless Bears teams? I don’t think so Peter Pan. Let’s see Brock succeed against an actual NFL team before we start making him the favorite over a Chiefs team that has won 11 straight regular season games.

Pick: Chiefs (+3)

BALTIMORE RAVENS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (+6)

Things I would rather do than bet the Cleveland Browns: Use the ESPN fantasy football app. Pretend to be Ann Coulter at a Comedy Central roast. Let Bill Cosby make me a drink. Exchange confidential emails with Hillary Clinton. Watch The View everyday for the rest of my life. Do cocaine with Buster from Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Give up Blimpies for an entire week. Hire Jeff Fisher to coach my kid’s soccer team. Have a drinking contest with Wade Boggs. And finally, I would rather take a prison shower with Andy Dufrense’s friends, aka “The Sisters”.

Pick: Ravens (-6)

MIAMI DOLPHINS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-7)

You would have to be a drunken idiot to bet the Miami Dolphins on the road against Bill Belichick, Jimmy “the Goatroppolo” and the undefeated New England Patriots.

Pick: Dolphins (+7)

CINCINNATI BENGAL TIGERS @ PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-3.5)

I think Pittsburgh is going to win this game on a last second field goal, which I guess means I will be betting the Bengals and grabbing that extra half point.

Pick: Bengals (+3.5)

TAMPA BAY @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (-7)

I wonder what I am going to regret more come Monday morning: Buying into the Tampa hype and thus betting against a Bruce Arians’ coached team at home, or drinking 22.5 Natty Lights on Sunday?

Pick: Tampa Bay (+7)

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS @ DENVER DONKEYS (-6)

If Trevor Simian starts out his career with consecutive victories over Cam Newton and Andrew Luck I will personally learn how to spell his name correctly.

Pick: Colts (+6)

ATLANTA FALCONS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (-5)

I swear, if the Atlanta Falcons don’t cover the spread six or seven more times I will never bet them again.

Pick: Falcons (+5)

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (-3)

Gambling etiquette 101 clearly states that when you have two crappy teams you always take the points.

Pick: Jaguars (+3)

SEATTLE HGHAWKS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (+4.5)

If I were Pete Carroll, here are a few things I would say when talking to Jeff Fisher before kickoff on Sunday.

  • “You guys shouldn’t even be allowed to touch a football, except for Gurley you are all an insult to the game.”
  • “Case Keenum ain’t good enough to eat the dirt off of Russell Wilson’s cleats.”
  • “Fart-smeller.”
  • “I heard last Monday night your team went bobbing for apples in the toilet, and they liked it.”
  • “If my dog was as ugly as your team, I would shave his butt and make him walk backwards.”
  • “Do you really mix your Wheaties with your mama’s toe jam?”
  • “This better be a short game, I gotta get home for lunch.”
  • “Butt sniffer.”
  • “You eat dog crap for breakfast, geek.”
  • “It is easy to look good in practice when you play with a bunch of rejects and a Case Keenum.”
  • “The Los Angeles Rams play ball like a girl!!!”

#ClassicTheSandlot.

Pick: HGHawks (-4.5)

GREEN BAY PACKERS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (+2.5)

Everyone repeat after me: Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . AARON FREAKING RODGERS IN PRIMETIME GIVING LESS THAN A FIELD GOAL AGAINST EITHER SHAUN HILL OR SAM BRADFORD!!!

Pick: Packers (-2.5) & 1ST Half (u22)

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ CHICAGO BEARS (-3.5)

The Chicago Bears are favored by three and a half points? Go home Vegas, you are Jay Cutler wasted right now.

Pick: Eagles (+3.5) & 1ST Half (u21)

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Since 2003 The Informer has written for newspapers, websites and blogs with one goal in mind: Write a funny and informative sports article unlike anything that has been written before.