Going to do a quick rundown of every NFL game in Week 2. Here are my thoughts:
Cincinnati Bengals @ Pittsburgh Steelers
First game between these two since Vontaze Burfict nearly took Antonio Brown’s head off which just so happened to cost the Bengals their first playoff win since like 1940.
Prediction: Like four or five players are going to literally die during this game. Then your friend will complain about starting Gio Bernard who got him only one point after getting murdered on the third play of the game and you’ll tell him to have some respect for the deceased and shut the f*** up. Then Eli Rogers, who you started this week, will get blasted coming over the middle and you’ll call him a giant p***** as they are carrying his leg off the field.
Seriously though. There were more than $200,000 in fines between these two teams last season which makes sense since I’m pretty sure I saw Vontaze Burfict sharpening scrap metal into a knife on the sidelines during the AFC Wild Card game last season. NFL Head of Officiating Dean Blandino even came out to say that the refs in this game will have “heightened awareness” this time as if they were on Xanax the last 15 times these teams played. Best of luck, Pete Morelli. Stay woke.
(Note: The current O/U on dead players this game is set at 4.5. It dropped a full 2.5 players once people realized Vontaze Burfict was suspended).
Tennessee Titans @ Detroit Lions
So I go to Detroit usually once a year to watch the Lions play because I hate myself and last year I sat next to a fan who had been a season ticket holder for 50 years. He has seen one home playoff game. I nearly s*** my pants right then and there. Thoughts on that, Jim Caldwell?
FTW (USA Today)
This is legitimately one of the first things that came up when I Googled ‘Jim Caldwell excited” and to be completely honest, it may be the most excited I’ve ever seen him.
The Lions lost their only home playoff game in the Super Bowl era 28-24 to the Packers in 1993 on a Brett Favre-Sterling Sharpe 40-yard touchdown in the fourth quarter because of course they did. No team blows games quite like the Detroit Lions. There’s no doubt in my mind that the Lions and their SpongeBob fish of a head coach
figure out a way to somehow lose to the Titans on, let’s call it a missed PAT to send the game into OT-dropped touchdown to win by Eric Ebron-Marcus Mariota 76-yard touchdown run combo.
Baltimore Ravens @ Cleveland Browns
My elementary school used to host a “fun fair” every year and there would be this ping pong ball-fish bowl game which was essentially eight-year-old beer pong. If you made it in one of the fish bowls then you would win a goldfish in a plastic baggie. I won and then took this goldfish to the gym where there was a bouncy house and preceded to bring my goldfish inside the bouncy house because I was completely clueless that getting bounced around in a plastic bag by a bunch of lunatic, cotton-candy wielding children was extremely cruel. Unfortunately, there was no need to bring my goldfish home thereafter.
The moral of this story is that my goldfish lasted longer than RG3 in a Cleveland Browns uniform.
(Note: For those asking, yes … I will be sporting my “Downtown” Josh McCown jersey this Sunday as is customary for each one of his first starts of an NFL season and still expect to be doing this 50 years from now when Downtown wheels his way in to play QB for the Browns after RG5 goes down with a knee injury).
Dallas Cowboys @ Washington Redskins
Which looked worse last week? Terrance Williams failing to get out of bounds on the last play of the game for the Cowboys or the Redskins paying Kirk Cousins $1.25 million ($20 million divided by 16 games) to post a Week 1 QBR of 45.3? YOU LIKE THAT!
New Orleans Saints @ New York Giants
Is it possible to just directly import the entire New York Giants offensive depth chart from their team website into my DraftKings lineup? I may even take Rueben Randle and he’s not even on the Giants anymore. With that being said, I guarantee this game ends like 10-7 unless I decide to take no Giants or Saints in which case the game would end 200-135.
San Francisco 49ers @ Carolina Panthers
So when the Panthers beat the 49ers 35-0 on Sunday, does that mean that the Panthers would beat the Rams 63-0? Is that how football works? That’s probably how football works when Case Keenum is your QB. Damn it. I promised myself I wouldn’t make any Case Keenum references until the Rams game.
Speaking of DraftKings though, this seriously may be the week to play Cam Newton. After last week’s headshot debacle on Thursday night, the refs aren’t even going to let the 49ers defenders think about touching Cam’s head without throwing a flag.
Miami Dolphins at New England Patriots
Why was anybody surprised that Jimmy Grappling Hook looked even halfway decent Sunday night? This is a Bill Belichick offense. An offense that allowed Matt Cassel to throw for nearly 3,700 yards in 2008. The most important thing that happened for the Garappolo though was that former Patriots great Steve Grogan came out and said that he sees a little of himself
in the Grappling Hook. Wow, what an honor. I’m sure Jimmy grew up just dreaming of one day being compared to the legendary Steve Grogan.
Kansas City Chiefs at Houston Texans AKA the “Romeo Crennell Bowl”
I think Brock Osweiler should donate a portion of his $72 million contract to the Andy Reid “Punt, Pass, and Kick”
fund that supports the cause of over-sized youths competing in athletics. After all, it was Andy Reid’s Chiefs who dismantled the Texans in last season’s playoffs 30-0 that ultimately made the Texans realize that Brian Hoyer wasn’t the answer at quarterback. Had Brian Hoyer not thrown like 10 interceptions that game, the Texans may not have realized this and Osweiler could very well have ended up on the Browns. Thinking in those terms, Andy Reid may be responsible for saving Brock Osweiler’s career.
That’s it for the early slate. Stay tuned for the late/primetime games.