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Czar’s Fantasy Football League Recaps: Team Pablo Escobar

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Every year I host the legendary Czar’s fantasy football league (12-team, half PPR) as one of my many alter-egos, Czarko Milicic. Traditionally, each and every peasant has a trash team and I make sure to let them know about it. This year was especially trashy.

Not looking forward to this one. Team Treat Yo’ Self has now taken home the season title and championship in back-to-back seasons and I’ve transferred him so much money that I feel like he’s goddamn Pablo Escobar. He probably spends $500 a month on rubber bands just to keep all of his money neat and tidy. I can just imagine him out in the Utah wilderness using stacks of Benjamins as firewood when it gets a little chilly. Also, Utah? Really, Escobar? Are you a Mormon, bro? Like, who lives in Utah?

Let’s take a look at the damage:

1. (11) Rob Gronkowski (NE – TE)
2. (14) Dez Bryant (Dal – WR)
3. (35) Carlos Hyde (SF – RB)
4. (38) Thomas Rawls (Sea – RB)
5. (59) Ben Roethlisberger (Pit – QB)
6. (62) Michael Floyd (Ari – WR)
7. (83) Chris Ivory (Jax – RB)
8. (86) Willie Snead (NO – WR)
9. (107) Antonio Gates (SD – TE)
10. (110) Isaiah Crowell (Cle – RB)
11. (131) Carolina (Car – DEF)
12. (134) Tajae Sharpe (Ten – WR)
13. (155) Ryan Tannehill (Mia – QB)
14. (158) Theo Riddick (Det – RB)
15. (179) Adam Vinatieri (Ind – K)

 

I really don’t think this team is very good, but that’s never mattered for Salt Lake Escobar in the past. He drafted Marshawn Lynch, Andre Johnson, Tony Romo, Jason Witten, Brian Quick, and Austin Sefarian-Jenkins in the first ten rounds last season and went 10-3 all because he snatched Doug Baldwin and Thomas Rawls and Devonta Freeman and Kirk Cousins, like f*** that.

My predictions: most of his top 10 players will suck, even Gronk somehow. Dez Bryant will be an absolute boss and lead his team all season. Big Ben will get hurt, but he’ll throw Ryan Tannehill in there who ends up having a breakout season under Adam Gase. I don’t know what Tajae Sharpe is, but he’ll probably be a top 20 WR now that Escobar has drafted him. He’s got a 49ers RB, a RB who isn’t even going to start Week 1, a Jaguars RB, a Browns RB, and Theo Huxtable, yet will probably end up with the best RBs in the league come Week 5. Willie Snead will catch 52 touchdowns. That’s all I got. You can literally throw predictions out the window with Don Pablo.

Draft Grade: N/A

Predicted Finish: 3rd (but probably 1st)

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About Author

Divac is the Editor-In Chief of The Schmozone and founder of Leaveit2divac.com. He is a fantasy sports maniac with terrible gambling habits and has a strange, irrational obsession with everything that is NBA legend Vlade Divac. Divac will be posting his outrageous commentary on daily sports topics in "The Daily Flop" section and one day dreams of being re-born as a mediocre Eastern European NBA journeyman.