Every year I host the legendary Czar’s fantasy football league (12-team, half PPR) as one of my many alter-egos, Czarko Milicic. Traditionally, each and every peasant has a trash team and I make sure to let them know about it. This year was especially trashy.
Rein Man is entering his second season in the Czar’s league after somehow taking his completely garbage team to the playoffs in his rookie season because he played the worst team every single week. Now he’s joined forces with the Schmo who thinks he’s just going to waltz on into the Czar’s League as a rookie and start tearing sh** up with Rein Man. NOT gonna happen.
Rein Man is the type of guy who conducts about 50 mock drafts and then sends the results to Schmo as he gets all excited about the fake team he just drafted; in fact I have it on good authority that this happened and it is the least surprising thing I’ve heard in my entire life. In fact, I’d be surprised if this weren’t the case. Let’s take a look at the real damage:
|Virginity is Curable|
|1.||(8)||Ezekiel Elliott (Dal – RB)|
|2.||(17)||Mark Ingram (NO – RB)|
|3.||(32)||Demaryius Thomas (Den – WR)|
|4.||(41)||Donte Moncrief (Ind – WR)|
|5.||(56)||Larry Fitzgerald (Ari – WR)|
|6.||(65)||Travis Kelce (KC – TE)|
|7.||(80)||Philip Rivers (SD – QB)|
|8.||(89)||Allen Hurns (Jax – WR)|
|9.||(104)||Charles Sims (TB – RB)|
|10.||(113)||Vincent Jackson (TB – WR)|
|11.||(128)||Derek Carr (Oak – QB)|
|12.||(137)||Jerick McKinnon (Min – RB)|
|13.||(152)||Eric Ebron (Det – TE)|
|14.||(161)||Houston (Hou – DEF)|
|15.||(176)||Blair Walsh (Min – K)|
Well, this team is terrible. Back-to-back running backs to open the draft is basically fantasy suicide these days. I can’t even imagine a situation in which I would ever do this. I don’t think I would even do this if we were playing a seven running back league. Ezekiel Elliott is all ready for the NFL as he’s already got a domestic abuse allegation and marijuana dispensary visit under his belt. I’ll set the over/under at 5.5 games before he gets suspended for unknowingly taking a banned substance. Oh and look, it’s Mark Ingram in second! Bet he won’t get hurt. He’s managed to play 16 games once in his five-year career so odds are definitely in your favor that he doesn’t go down with a broken hand in Week 10.
You need some wide receivers now so let’s see. Your #1 is Demaryius Thomas who is coming off a career worst season because he had a quarterback in Peyton Manning who could barely throw the football. Well, now he has a guy throwing to him in Trevor Siemian that might even be worse. Sounds promising. At Siemian beat out Mark Sanchez for the starting job.
Donte Moncrief might be good; everyone’s predicting a breakout season for the Colts #2, but you took him over Julian Edelman, Jeremy Maclin, and Golden Tate who are all players with a history of actually being good as opposed to Moncrief who at this point just has a history of being predicted to be good, but not being all that good. Larry Fitzgerald is a future HOFer who has now alternated good and bad seasons every year since 2011. Seriously, that’s a true fact. I’m not making it up and guess what year it is this season?
Let’s see what else went wrong:
- Travis Kelce is always a good bet to be egregiously under-utilized by Andy Reid
- Philip Rivers is always a good bet to throw more interceptions than he has children.
- Allen Hurns won’t score nearly a touchdown for every six catches he makes as he did in 2015. I’d be willing to bet my Vlade Divac jersey on that. That’s how confident I am that it will not happen again.
- I actually like those two picks of Charles Sims and Vincent Jackson so there I said something nice.
Schmo and Rein Man … I was mean. I was really, really harsh on your team. I realize this. Not as harsh as I was on Buck Up who should definitely be a target for some potential trade negotiations for you, but I was harsh. This isn’t going to pretty and unfortunately luck catches up with some people. Rein Man was undoubtedly very fortunate last season and I’m projecting the road to be a little bumpier this season. I hate to do this .. I sound like Stephen A. Smith … You two are dear, dear friends of mine. I hate to do this, but as the Czar I’m obligated to be as fair and impartial as possible.
Draft Grade: D
Predicted Finish: 11th