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The Informer’s 2016 Nebraska Cornhuskers Mailbag: Week 1

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Welcome to The Informer’s 2016 Nebraska Cornhuskers mailbag. As always, please keep in mind that none of these questions came from actual readers, Husker fans, or any idiots out wandering around.

Q: Mr. Informer the 2016 Nebraska Cornhuskers football season is about to start, does that mean you are done writing your retro running diaries from the Tommie Frazier era?

Not done, but we are putting them on hold in order to focus on the 2016 season.

Q: So are you going to keep a running diary of every Husker game this season? Or are you going to focus on writing more traditional game-related articles?

First of all, anyone who has ever read The Informer knows that I have no idea how to write a traditional sports article so that option is out the window. With that said, what I am going to do is mix in a few running diaries while writing a weekly mailbag where I answer all questions regarding Nebraska football.

Q: Okay then, let’s get down to mailbag business Informer: Can Nebraska win the championship in 2016?

Right now their record says they are undefeated; which means as long as they keep that record unblemished they will be in the conversation.

Q: That is the thing, experts don’t think there is any chance Nebraska can win. Hell, most of them are predicting we will be lucky to win eight games.

Yes, but you forget that the experts saying Nebraska can’t win it all are stupid idiots. So obviously their asinine opinions should be taken with a grain of cocaine and nothing more.

Q: How can you be so confident Informer? Nebraska has not won a title in damn near 20 years!!!!!!

Have you ever heard the saying, those who live in the past have a tendency to repeat history? Well, there is not a person on this Earth who lives more in the past thn I do. I mean, I did just spend an entire off-season pretending like it was 1992.

What I am trying to say is because the previous “in the past” saying fits me so perfectly, I am 100% confident that my Husker past is about to be repeated (namely the fact that the last time Nebraska started a senior QB named Tommie we won the National Championship).

Q: Informer as a non-Husker fan I just wanted to point out that you are a moron and this article is the dumbest thing I have ever read. Also that saying you just used should have been, “those who ignore history tend to repeat it.” Truthfully though, I just wanted to say I can’t wait to see your fat face crying after Nebraska loses to Fresno State. And P.S. – You suck as a writer almost as much as the Huskers have sucked at football since Tom Osborne left.

Clearly the above reader is someone who either lives in the state of Iowa, is married to their cousin, is suffering from a severe case of loser denial, or qualifies for all three options. And P.S. – You didn’t even ask a question you ignorant Husker hating hillbilly.

iowa

Q: The Informer do you think Armstrong is going to win the Heisman this year, or will he get screwed over like Frazier did his senior season?

In all honesty, there are only two ways Armstrong could lose the Heisman: Voter fraud (pretty sure that’s how Frazier lost), or if someone like Jordan Westerkamp turns into Randy Moss 2.0 and catches 30 touchdowns (you can’t rule this out).

Q: What is going to be Nebraska’s biggest challenge this season?

Probably the biased poll voters who will try to award all four playoff spots to Alabama even though Nebraska is going to be the undisputed  Big Ten champs.

Q: Hey Informer do you have any facts, or stats to back up your outlandish Husker predictions? And I’m not talking about made up bullshit like saying the last time Nebraska beat such and such team the following year they won a title. I want real facts/stats.

Fine, here are three absolute facts that prove Nebraska is on the cusp of their sixth championship:

  1. As head coach of Nebraska, Mike Riley has never lost a Big Ten title game, a playoff game, or a national title game. This means if Nebraska makes it to the big games, we have a coach with an unbeatable track record ready to lead us to the promised land.
  2. Nebraska has zero games on their schedule they can’t win. So if they win every game on their schedule they could win (aka all of them), then that is going to put them in a prime spot at the end of the season.
  3. And finally, in 1993 the Huskers beat UCLA. The very next season, we went on to win the championship. Now, for those scoring at home, in 2015 Nebraska beat UCLA; which obviously means in 2016 we are going to win the championship.

Q: For f**ksakes Informer, everything you are saying is total nonsense. I seriously hate you. I hate Nebraska. And most of all I hate Tommie Frazier. I hope you choke on a red Husker hot dog and rot in hell with you’re stupid mascot Herbie.

Hey, at least Tommie Frazier, Husker fans like myself and Herbie don’t need a safe space to hide because our mascot is too scary. You know, like some other Big Ten schools do.

Q: I give up Informer. You are worse than Bears fans from the 1980s. At this point I doubt even the biggest Husker homers are still reading you’re crap. Can you please just give us a prediction on the Nebraska-Fresno State game so we can all move on and forget we ever read you’re horrible moronic takes on Nebraska football?

Geee . . . I really hate to be that guy, but you keep spelling the word “your” wrong #WhoIsTheMoron?

Anyways, to answer the question, I think Nebraska wins 74-0. I also like Tommy to throw at least five TD passes and run for two more.

#GBR

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Since 2003 The Informer has written for newspapers, websites and blogs with one goal in mind: Write a funny and informative sports article unlike anything that has been written before.

  • Stephen Johnson

    What I can say Is that I hope his predictions are right. Hope
    springs eternal on the plains of Nebraska …. but if I was a bettin man, id guess they will lose 5 this year. Hope they win em all.

  • Stephen Johnson

    What I can say Is that I hope his predictions are right. Hope
    springs eternal on the plains of Nebraska …. but if I was a bettin man, id guess they will lose 5 this year. Hope they win em all.