What would the NFC South head coaches be doing if they weren’t coaching in the NFL? Take a look:
Ron Rivera (Carolina Panthers) – Blackjack Dealer
Nobody loves gambling more than “Riverboat” Ron Rivera who’s never seen a 4th and short that he didn’t like. Just tell me you can’t envision this man dealing you a hand of blackjack and pretending to share in your sorrows when he flips over that five on a 16. You REALLY need to love gambling to be a blackjack dealer, like it’s your job to observe addicted gambling on an everyday basis. That’s commitment to gambling.
Dirk Koetter – Summer Camp Director
Your life choices are extremely limited when you choose to wear a visor. You are basically limited to being Steve Spurrier, a golf pro, a professional poker player, a summer camp director, or a Starbucks barista. Then you throw in the fact that his name is Dirk and that’s just such a summer camp director name. The visor and shades combo might make you want to trend more towards the poker player, but Dirks are either pro basketball players or summer camp directors.
OK, you caught me. Sean Payton also wears a visor and isn’t any of those things. That’s because Sean Payton’s a raging lunatic who attempts to cover up scandals in which his players intentionally try to injure people. Beyond that, the guy looks like Lee Harvey Oswald so he’s clearly a lunatic hitman. Sean Payton is the type of hitman you hire and then immediately regret it. He’s the type of hitman that will go over all the options on how to make your target “disappear” with WAY too much enthusiasm. Like sh**, you’re the hitman. I don’t give a f*** how you kill the guy, just don’t get caught.
Dan Quinn – Late 90s Professional Wrestler
Ah, the late 90s. The glory days of professional wrestling mainly because that was when I watched it. Falcons head coach Dan Quinn looks like a combination of Stone Cold Steve Austin and former Goldberg impersonator, Gillberg. Dan Quinn’s the type of guy who will lead the Falcons onto the field before the game with a Gillberg-like entrance:
And then won’t even take the field with his team in the second half after another woeful performance by the Falcons. Troy Aikman will be like up in the booth wondering, “Where’s Dan Quinn? Has he given up on the Falcons? They really need him on the sidelines.” Then, Quinn will just come charging out of the locker room like this in the middle of the fourth quarter:
He’s just going to start Stone Cold stunning everyone; Drew Brees, you get a stunner! Matt Ryan, you get a stunner! Ed Hochuli, you get a stunner! When he’s called into owner Arthur Blank’s office later to discuss his repercussions for his actions, boom stunner! Nobody is off-limits for “Stone Cold” Dan Quinn.