LOS ANGELES – Following a full-scale NBA investigation, it has been determined that the Los Angeles Lakers have fabricated the $8 million signing of Chinese forward Yi Jianlian. A former 6th overall pick in the 2007 NBA Draft and colossal bust, Yi had been playing in China since 2012 and was reportedly signed by the Lakers on Wednesday to a one-year, $8 million deal.
Sensing the deal may be a fabrication, NBA commissioner Adam Silver launched an investigation into the matter and it was quickly determined that the Lakers reported the signing of Yi in order to re-attract the Chinese market following the departure of global superstar Kobe Bryant. Adam Silver spoke with the media regarding the matter which is now being referred to as “YiGate.”
“There have been some eye-catching transactions during NBA free agency this off-season, but this one immediately grabbed our attention,” said Silver. “Everybody at the league office was stunned. Imagine finding out your wife of 20 years had a secret penis attached to her. That would be far less shocking than this. On a scale of 1 to secret penis wife, this was like a 16.”
Silver said that it was immediately apparent the deal was fabricated when he spoke with Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak who could only refer to the player in question as “that China guy.”
“I talked to Mitch [Kupchak] and after about 30 seconds it was pretty apparent that something was amiss when he called Yi “the next Jeremy Lin,” Silver said. “I told him that he needs to understand that this is a bad look for the league and a full-scale investigation is going to be launched into this. The NBA throws money around enough as it is. We can’t be giving off the illusion that we are giving players of Yi’s caliber $8 million.”
Yi was drafted 6th overall by the Milwaukee Bucks in 2007 after impressive video of him surfaced posting up and subsequently dominating a stationary chair during a private workout. Yi was a massive disappointment and only lasted five seasons in the NBA with the Bucks, Nets, Wizards, and Mavericks. Yi returned to China in 2012 to play for the Guangdong Southern Tigers of the Chinese Basketball Association and has won the Domestic MVP award in four consecutive seasons, averaging a career-high 27.7 points per game in 2014-15.
“I also spoke with Yi regarding the matter and we had a real good laugh about it through a translator” Silver said. “Yi is 100% focused on continuing to Wilt Chamberlain the CBA for the Ding Dong Dragons or whoever the f*** he plays for.”
This incident also brought up the question of whether any other Lakers contracts this off-season were fabricated.
“We are looking into that as well,” Silver admitted. “At this point, we have no reason to believe that the Lakers $64 million contract with Timofey Mozgov is fabricated.”