Pokemon is the s***. Loved the game for GameBoy. Always started with Squirtle. Still could probably tell you who Clefairy evolves into (Clefable). Remember when the cards were banned from school in like third grade because kids would get into fights over them. Watched the TV show. F*** Team Rocket. Idolized Ash Ketchum. Even played Pokemon Snap on N64, a dumb f***** game where you like threw apples at Pokemon and then took pictures of them only to have Professor Oak s*** all over them for not being centered.
I don’t even know where to begin with Pokemon GO. The idea of having to walk around in order to play a video game baffles me. Just bring the goddamn Pokemon too me. I’ll move my guy virtually if you want me to. That’s fair. Just don’t have me walking around using my precious data and staring at my iPhone in search of virtual Pokemon as I wander in front of a bus because I need to catch Weedle. Is that what’s going to have to happen? Is being lured to a specific location by armed robbers not enough? Is some nerd going to have to drown falling into a lake looking for Magikarp? Is that what it will take for people to say, “OK, this is f****** dumb.” I mean, look at these f******.
I’ll be honest. I downloaded this game. Needed to check it out. Probably made a big mistake giving my Google info to whoever it is that I gave it to. Entered my username, “Divac.” Was told it was already in use. Really? There’s another Divac out there playing Pokemon GO? OK fine. Next option, “VladeDivac.” Already in use. Are you f****** kidding? At this point, I’m convinced the actual Vlade Divac is playing this instead of running the Sacramento Kings. Pretty soon he’ll be trading Rudy Gay and Ben McLemore for a couple Poke Balls and the draft rights to Kakuna. Third time’s a charm, “Leaveit2Divac.” Not in use, good to go.
Now I had to design my character and was highly disappointed in the lack of creative control. Basically the most important choice you have to make is to wear a hat or a visor. Like, I’m not f****** Steve Spurrier. I’m going with a hat. Couldn’t even give myself a beard or a tat though. I was going for the full Divac look, but my guy turned out looking more like Steve Nash. Probably should have went with the username “Nash Ketchum,” but oh well … live and learn.
Like always, I chose Squirtle as my starter character. Was ready to go. Was waiting for Prof Oak or his douchebag grandson to show up, but nothing. Literally nothing. Just my virtual Nash Ketchum standing in a virtual world like James Harden on defense. I see this blue dot in the distance and click on it.
No WAY! NO F****** WAY! I haven’t been to my synagogue in like SIX YEARS! I don’t even know what a PokeStop is, but I’m not going to temple to find out. I made it a point to do everything in my power to not go to synagogue for my entire life. I’m a horrible Jew. Don’t even go to temple on Yom Kippur. I would literally be kicked out of Judaism if I showed up looking for Psyduck.
Then I thought “Is this whole game just a ploy to get people to go to synagogue?” Are the rabbis behind all this madness? Does my rabbi want me showing up to synagogue and asking him if he has anymore Poke Balls? Wouldn’t that be something? What a twist.
I’m still not going to synagogue to find out.