Game of Thrones. Season Finale. My life is officially one million times less interesting after these one and a half hours. I hate season finales. I want Game of Thrones to be on every week for the rest of my life. Schmocaps for days. Unfortunately, this will be the final Game of Thrones Schmocap for a very, very, very long time and I don’t even want to check how long that is going to be. Don’t care because this is Game of Thrones Championship Week.
That’s right, Championship Week. Game of Thrones and fantasy football are basically the same thing. When does it happen? On Sundays. What happens? We sit in front of our TVs and take the actions of people who we have absolutely no control over way too seriously. Then we talk about it all week and try to predict what will happen the next week. We try to predict when Ramsay will die the same way we try to predict when Darren McFadden will get hurt. The only difference is that there is no Game of Thrones Red Zone channel which would theoretically just cut to scenes when characters are about to die. There would be a kills montage at the end and it would feature Scott Hanson dropping useless Game of Thrones nuggets like “the nip to tit ratio on that last whore we saw get f***** was about 1 to 4.3 and we use the metric system here on Game of Thrones Red Zone.” Enough of that, let’s get to the episode.
Time for the Deflategate trial. Lots of dramatic music. Sparrow Goodell looking smug as f***. Grand Maester Popovich dismissing a whore like a NBA sideline reporter. Ser Loras Edelman is brought to trial and he confesses it all. Perjury before the league office. Laying with random chicks on Tinder that later Snapchatted it. All of it. Loras is now prepared to abandon the Patriot way so Goodell’s staff carves a circle into his forehead which doesn’t seem to be in line with the league’s renewed emphasis on head safety, but I digress.
Back to digression, great punishment for the loser of your fantasy league. Make them confess to all their sins like drafting Bishop Sankey in the 6th round or something and then carve a circle into their head with a knife. Doesn’t even have to be a circle. It can be any shape. Rhombus.Trapezoid. Hectagon. Doesn’t matter. Get the whole league involved. Have the playoff owners hold the guy down like they did with Loras and boom, great punishment.
Back to the show, it’s now Lady Giselle’s turn to stand trial but she’s not showing up. Neither is Tommen who is stopped by “Mountain” Wilfork from attending. Sparrow Goodell tells Lancel Lannister to go to Foxboro and find her while Maester Popovich is lured into a trap by one of DeMaurice Qyburn’s little assistants. Hopefully you didn’t take a flyer on GM Pop in Game of Thrones Championship Week because he gets stabbed to death by a whole bunch of munchkins. Things aren’t going much better for Lancel Lannister who follows Darren Sproles into some dark tunnel and gets stabbed by him. Lancel starts crawling as Margery realizes that something is amiss since Tommen and Giselle aren’t at the trial. Dumb f***** Goodell eschews the notion like a domestic violence tape. Margery unsuccessfully tries to leave as Lancel crawls closer towards some green stuff. Then …
Even for Game of Thrones, that’s a shockingly efficient way to kill off like seven characters. Budget cuts, people.
This is the ultimate Game of Thrones power move by Giselle. If you are going up against her in Championship Week, just turn off stattracker. She went 2005 Championship Week Santana Moss on your ass (160 yards, three touchdowns). Killing off like half the characters in the entire show? That’s mad bonus points. Incalculable bonus points. +100000000 for Giselle.
But wait, there’s more! Giselle has managed to capture the “SHAME!” nun and leaves her for “Mountain” Wilfork to do what he pleases to her. Meanwhile, Tommen is overcome with shock and grief over the events that have transpired and just nonchalantly jumps out a window. This is such a Tommen way to die. It’s probably the second most likely way for Tommen to die behind a tickle fight. This leaves King’s Landing with no King and three legitimate characters; Giselle, DeMaurice Qyburn, and “Mountain” Wilfork (and “SHAME!” nun I guess if you want to count her).
Al Davis holds a celebration for his victory at Riverrun which involves Brady Lannister basically s****** all over him and telling him that that the Lannisters have no use for him.
Short scene of DeMaurice Qyburn showing Giselle the body of Tommen. Giselle wants him buried with the rest of the dead Lannisters while I probably would have buried him in the backyard.
Samwell gets off the school bus at Maester School with Gilly and I honestly don’t have time for this s***.
Long story short, Davos reveals to Jon that Saggy Boobs Grandma Red Lady burned Stannis’ lizard face daughter at the stake and Snow tells her to ride South or he’ll have her executed. That actually wasn’t a long story short. That was actually the story.
Jon then goes to talk to Sansa who makes the single biggest revelation in Game of Thrones history:
“Jon. A raven came from the citadel. A white raven. Winter is here.”
OMFG! Six seasons. Six F******* seasons! Winter is finally here. I’m not sure you need a white raven to signal winter being here when its snowing outside, but you do you Starks.
Lady Tyrell shows up to Dorne to witness just how terrible of characters those Dorne chicks are, but uses her desire to get revenge on Giselle as a convenient excuse. The Sand Snake lady proposes that House Dorne and House Tyrell form a tag team and look who’s there to serve as their Jimmy Hart, “The Mouth of Westeros” Varys Baldilocks.
Daario professes his love for Khaleesi, but she turns him down because she loves Divac way more. Knew it. Immediately after that, she names Tyrion the Hand of the Queen. (NOTE: I saw this same exact thing happen on the classic dating show “Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch”).
Walder Davis asks some chick serving him if she is his daughter which is actually the same thing Antonio Cromartie asks to every waitress that serves him so this is not a dumb question. She’s not though because it’s actually Arya in disguise who insinuates that she has baked the Davis sons into some type of pastry and then she slits Walder’s throat. Dope.
OK, we need to start putting the rest of this on fast forward. Divac doesn’t quite have the stamina for an hour and a half episode. Skip Baelish professes his love for Sansa A. Smith and imagines himself debating her on the set of First Take for the rest of eternity, but Sansa’s not into that type of relationship and suspects he could leave at any moment for Fox Sports.
Benjen Stark, who downright disgusts me and has been more destitute than Will Smith’s father in the “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” over the past six seasons, tells Bran and his side chick that he’s leaving them.
Bran decides to go on another one of his acid trips to teenage Ned rescuing his sister Lyanna. She ends up giving birth to baby Jon Snow which means Jon Snow is in fact a Targaryen. This is akin to finding out that you are one of Karl Malone’s children.
Back to Snow, he holds a press conference in Cleveland in which Lady Mormont, the biggest boss in all of the Seven Kingdoms, calls out all the other Northern houses for not sacking up and supporting Snow in his battle against Ramsay. All of them are like “yeah, we f***** up,” which means nothing to me (hindsight’s 20/20). I’d burn all these jamokes at the stake and so would Mormont probably, but Snow forgives them and then he is officially anointed King of Cleveland.
Running out of steam. There is literally nobody left alive in King’s Landing so Giselle is named Protector of the Seven Kingdoms by DeMaurice.
Last scene of the season. Khaleesi, Tyrion, the dragons, Theon, Ironborn Hillary, but mostly Khaleesi, readying the ships to take over the Seven Kingdoms. Only took her seven seasons.
And that’s it for Season 7. Really enjoyed writing these every week. For those who have read the Schmocaps each and every week, big thanks. Glad I could make your Game of Thrones experience just a little better (or maybe worse, I dunno).
For those who didn’t read these each and every week, go f*** yourself. Just kidding. But seriously, f*** you.
‘Til Season 7 … Divac out.
Divac’s Rating 4.256/5 Flops