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Game of Thrones Schmocap: Battle of the Bastards

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Father’s Day Sunday night was pretty lit. If you planned accordingly, you went straight from Game 7 of the NBA Finals to Game of Thrones “Battle of the Bastards” and other than the four and a half hour period following Vlade Divac’s contract extension as general manager of the Sacramento Kings earlier this year, it was arguably the greatest four and a half hour period of my life.

Mereen

We start in Mereen where, in a tradition unlike any other, the Masters have sailed over from Augusta National and are now bombing the s*** out of Mereen. Khaleesi, who is looking sexy as hell, discusses her gameplan with Tyrion which is basically, “f*** these douchebags, I have motherf******* dragons.”  Tyrion isn’t a huge fan of that gameplan and lets her know about how big of a douche her father was so Khaleesi goes out to discuss some sort of settlement with the Masters. It turns out that these Masters are that team in your fantasy league that you hate because they offer ridiculously lopsided trades and then act like you are getting a great deal.

Khaleesi informs them that they are here to discuss their surrender, not hers, so she decides to hop on her dragon and start flying around the city as her two other dragons conveniently bust out beneath the Great Pyramid. Meanwhile, the Sons of Bryce Harper are causing a whole bunch of ruckus when Daario and the Dothraki show up to put an end to that nonsense.

Back to Khaleesi, this one quickly becomes a rout as it turns out that dragons aren’t such a good match-up for the Masters’ ships. The three defeated masters are informed that one of them must die for violating their pact and the other two volunteer the emo-looking one because “he’s not like them.” Grey Worm may be a little emo himself so he slits the other two Masters’ throats instead and then Tyrion tells the emo Master to report what happened when Khaleesi Targaryen Stormborn showed up at Mereen with her dragons.

The North

The Bastard Bowl. Great time to be alive right now. Jon Snow and Ramsay Football meet face-to-face to hold some pre-game festivites before Snow and Sansa attempt to reclaim their home of Cleveland and rescue little bro Rickon who is being held against his will and forced to watch Browns game tape. Snow challenges Ramsay to a game of one-on-one, make-it-take-it which Ramsay politely declines because he’s a traditionalist and doesn’t enjoy make-it-take-it. After Ramsay presents the head of Rickon’s dire wolf to prove Rickon’s captivity, Sansa Namath drops a guarantee for the ages.

“You’re going to die tomorrow, Lord Bolton. Sleep well.” – Sansa Namath

+10000000 points for Sansa. Really glad to have Ramsay Football back though. It’s been like four episodes since his last appearance and that’s borderline criminal. Sparrow Goodell should really be prosecuting somebody for that. If you’ve read these before, you probably already know that I’m a big Ramsay Bolton fan. Fantastic character. Each and every time Ramsay takes that field, he’s trying to be even more sadistic and terrible than he was the previous time. Mad respect. That’s commitment.

Snow, Tormund, Sansa and Davos head back to Castle Black to go over their game plan when Sansa Namath pretty much just lays it all out for Jon. Couldn’t have really made it any more clear. Let’s recap:

  • Rickon is as good as dead. Ramsay will not let him live. Check.
  • Don’t do what Ramsay Bolton wants you to do. Just don’t. Check.
  • Ramsay has an army that is like two times your size at least. Why the f*** are you attacking now? Check.

Mereen

Theon and Ironborn Hillary show up in Mereen to talk with Dany about taking over the world or whatever and this is one of the few times I really don’t care about a scene going on with Khaleesi in it because I just want to get to the Bastard Bowl. The fate of the Seven Kingdoms can wait.

The North

OK, here we go. Bastard Bowl time. We’ve got Jon Snow and company on one side. We’ve got Giant Boban too. Check out Boban. He’s getting some big minutes today. Can’t wait. On the other side, we’ve got Ramsay and the Cleveland Browns. Ramsay has Rickon all tied up and he looks like Jake Delhomme being dragged onto the field and forced to play quarterback for the Browns. Ramsay unties him and tells him to run towards Snow.

Rickon falls more in to the Tom Brady – Peyton Manning 40-time category as Ramsay begins to nonchalantly unleash some arrows towards him, but the real mistake here is that Rickon runs in a straight line. Like, you got to zig zag the s*** out of that run dude. You should look like your running f****** hammered. Get that kid a couple shots of Patron to give him a chance at least. Ramsay misses on his first couple of attempts and it looks like Rickon might actually make it to Jon who is charging toward him on his horse. Jon is reaching his hand out … he’s almost there …

https://vine.co/v/ie9e7vMpWji

A dagger! Right between the eyes! Somebody cue Kevin Harlan. Rickon’s life ends with the lowest dialogue per screen time ratio in television history. It’s one for the record books. Jon completely ignores Sansa’s previous warnings and decides to charge towards the Browns with no regard for humanity. Arrows are flying, Jon is chargin’, his men are behind him. Here we go.

Jon’s horse goes down like he’s in the Kentucky Derby (that was uncalled for, apologies) and he’s now a sitting duck on the ground. He prepares to take on the Browns one on a billion and I guess Game of Thrones wants you to think that he might actually, maybe die with 30 minutes still remaining in the episode. Yeah, not happening. His army arrives from behind just in time to meet the Browns head on.

From here on, we pretty much have 20+ minutes of some epic battle scenes. Jon Snow is just killing so many people. Not much more I can add to that. It’s a legendary performance on the battlefield. There’s nothing quite like seeing Boban do work though. That guy is the most productive per-minute character around. You want to talk about a breakout fantasy performance? This is it. Monster game. This is Jerome Harrison running for 286 yards. Smart Game of Thrones fantasy owners picked Boban up off of waivers this week and put him in their line-up. It’s hard to imagine that any of them lost their match-ups.

The Browns then try to employ some strategy and I’ll let Stan Van Gundy take it from here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YucvWt7CNn4

Tormund’s tearing s*** up. Boban’s tearing people in half. Bonus points. The wall is working though and the fighting Snows are getting suffocated. Panic ensues as a stampede of Snow’s men trample him as they attempt to fight their way out of the trench. Snow works his way up out of there though as Tormund battles Lil’ Jon Umber. Things are looking pretty bleak when … look who it is! Sansa with Skip Baelish and the army of the Vail!

My first thought on this was, “You know, it would’ve been pretty legit if Sansa would have like told Jon about this during their pre-game meeting.” Kind of a d*** move by Sansa Namath right there.

Lil’ Jon gets distracted by the Vail army and ends up getting his throat torn out by Tormund who just goes all Mike Tyson on it. 

The tide is turning now as a concerned Ramsay watches the Vail army tear apart his forces. Even in near defeat, Ramsay Football is still pretty chill though. Have to admit it. He’s a cool customer.

Ramsay barricades himself in the Browns training facility as Boban builds on his monster fantasy performance by busting through the doors. Boban’s been littered with arrows though and down on his knees as Snow and Tormund look on. That’s when Ramsay delivers a final arrow to Boban’s eye and that’s all she wrote for the breakout performer. RIP Boban. Who’s had a worse season so far? Giants or dire wolves? Not a good season for either. All we have left is “The Mountain” Wilfork and Ghost respectively.

Ramsay’s all that is left standing among his forces and he decides it’s a good time to accept that one-on-one challenge Snow offered earlier. This is the best footage I could find of the encounter:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftT2BrsksjI

Ramsay tries to shoot up Snow with some arrows, but Snow’s got that whole Zelda thing down and is really good at using his shield to block stuff. Ramsay gets off three blocked arrows before Snow gets to him and just unloads on him. Just call him Rougned Snowdor. Can we get a photoshop video of Rougned Odor’s head on Snow’s body and Jose Bautista’s head on Ramsay’s body? I don’t know how to do that. Somebody make that please.

So Jon beats the s*** out of him and Ramsay Football is placed in captivity. Ramsay looks to be in pretty rough shape. He was spotted at a Las Vegas club looking like this shortly before his death:

Yeah, that’s right. Ramsay’s dead and Sansa Namath is the one that sees to it that her guarantee comes true. Ironically, Ramsay Football’s Dawg Pound hasn’t been fed in nearly seven days and they are hungry. Despite his doubts, Ramsay’s dawgs turn on him as Sansa walks away to the sounds of Ramsay being torn apart.

So ends the saga of Ramsay Football and possibly the greatest Game of Thrones episode I can remember. I’m probably in the minority, but I’m going to miss Ramsay the same way in which Patriots fans probably miss Aaron Hernandez.

Ignore that. Terrible reference. Worst ever. I’m just going to stop now.

Divac’s Rating: 5/5 flops

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About Author

Divac is the Editor-In Chief of The Schmozone and founder of Leaveit2divac.com. He is a fantasy sports maniac with terrible gambling habits and has a strange, irrational obsession with everything that is NBA legend Vlade Divac. Divac will be posting his outrageous commentary on daily sports topics in "The Daily Flop" section and one day dreams of being re-born as a mediocre Eastern European NBA journeyman.