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Game of Thrones Schmocap: Hello Friends, Welcome to the Masters

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So I actually watched Game of Thrones Episode 8 with my parents on Sunday who have never seen an episode. I honestly would have had an easier time explaining nuclear physics to a three-year-old. I think I really lost them when I tried explaining that the lady with the really big guy and the guy talking to the woman that my dad thought was a man were brother and sister and that the blonde hair kid with the crown was actually their son.

After that, I tried explaining Arya’s story line and my parents didn’t want to watch anymore.

Let’s get to the epsiode.

Braavos

Fresh off her stabbing outside a downtown Dallas nightclub, Arya Talib goes to Lady Crane’s dressing room instead of a hospital because she doesn’t want the league find out. Crane treats her and then gives her some Xanax.

The Hound

A live look at Stone Cold Sandor Clegane avenging the death of his friend Shaggy Rick Pitino:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_V-rCP-UeeY

Mereen

Varys leaves Mereen to head off on a “secret mission” to the Westerosi Hair Club for Men. He then calls Tyrion the “most famous dwarf in the city” which Tyrion corrects him by saying, “the most famous dwarf in the world.” Swag.

King’s Landing

A bunch of members of the National Thrones League front office show up at the Red Keep where Queen Giselle and “The Mountain” Vince Wilfork reside. Sparrow Goodell is requesting that he see Giselle in his office. Giselle refuses and then the Vice President of Officiating, Dean Blandino, ends up getting his head ripped off by Mountain Wilfork following an ill-advised sneak attack. There are no more sneak attacks after that.

Riverrun

Mutant Ellen Degeneres shows up in Riverrun to have a chat with Brady Lanniser following his trade to Oakland to help Al Davis and the Raiders defeat Blackfish Tully. Mutant Ellen heads into Brady’s tent while Gronk messes with squire Pod a bit, makes some dirty jokes, and talks about how he would f*** Mutant Ellen.

YouTube

Meanwhile, Ellen proposes a plan to Brady that involves her persuading Blackfish to give up the castle so the Tully army can venture safely north and help Sansa and Snow fight Ramsay Football in Cleveland. Jaime says it won’t work, but she can try. Ellen then offers to give Brady his Uggs boots back that she borrowed, but he tells her to keep them because he’s got 50 other pairs.

Ellen tries persuading Blackfish to give up the castle but he says “f*** that noise” and doesn’t even want to read the letter that Sansa wrote him. Blackfish his prepared to die in his ancestral home. He eventually ends up reading the note, but still isn’t having it. Ellen then solemnly declares that she has failed.

King’s Landing

King Tommen holds a press conference and announces that trials by combat are now forbidden which is complete bulls*** because it decimates the already sinking fantasy value of Mountain Wilfork in my Game of Thrones fantasy league. This is equivalent to saying touchdowns aren’t allowed in football anymore and you can only score on field goals. Terrible king.

Mereen

Back to Tyrion now who is peer pressuring Grey Worm and Missandei into getting wasted. They are in the middle of telling some hilarious jokes when the bells start ringing. Oh boy, it’s a tradition unlike any other … the masters coming to reclaim their property.

Riverrun

Brady and prisoner Edmure Tully have a long talk which starts off with Brady being a nice guy, but Eddy isn’t buying it. Brady ends up going all Bill O’Brien on him and says that he would catapult Edmure’s baby boy into Riverrun if that’s what it took to return to Giselle because she is the only one that matters to him.

He ends up sending Edmure to the castle and Edmure demands that the drawbridge be lowered. Blackfish thinks it’s a trap, but the other Tully men are obligated to obey the orders. This throws Blackfish into a fury who’s all ready to make it rain, but he decides to back off when he sees that he is heavily outnumbered. One of Al Davis’ ignorant sons thinks that Brady got played, but Brady’s got it all under control. Edmure orders all the Tully men to lay down their arms, open the gate, find Blackfish, and hand him over to Al Davis.

Ellen and squire Pod make an escape on some canoe, but Blackfish refuses to go with them and chooses to fight instead. He apparently ends up dying. You’ll just have to take some random dude’s word for it though because we don’t see it for some reason. Apparently, Game of Thrones has turned into a Madden franchise and we are just simulating s*** now.

Mereen

The masters are attacking Mereen with their ships now and Tyrion admits that he got trade r**** when he made that deal with the masters earlier in the season. Grey Worm is ready to take over command of the army when Khaleesi shows up at the front door of the pyramid like she’s selling f****** girl scout cookies. I would buy so many boxes of Thin Mints from Khaleesi and I honestly think that those are vastly over-rated cookies.

The Hound

Stone Cold is continuing his conquest to avenge the death of his friend Shaggy Rick Pitino when he runs in to some old rec league buddies. The Hound negotiates a deal in which he is allowed to kill two of them, but he’s not allowed to chop them to pieces like he wants to so it’s a rather pointless deal. They just end up getting hanged.

Braavos

Arya Talib is still taking her Xanax nap when Lady Crane ends up getting ambushed and murdered by stick girl. Arya conveniently wakes up and makes a run for it as she has miraculously recovered from her multiple stab wounds. A rather lengthy chase scene results which features Arya tumbling down like a bajillion steps and then trailing blood like John McClain in Die Hard. She manages to make it to her room where she has stored her sword. Stick girl follows the blood trail and discovers Arya. In another baffling decision by the producers we see no actual fighting and only Arya slicing the candle with her sword so it’s pitch black. Yes, I understand that Arya used to be blind and that she learned how to fight without being able to see. I get it. I’m not that clueless. It’s still pretty lame.

Jaquen returns to his temple or whatever it is to find stick girl’s face on the wall. He tells Arya that “finally a girl is no one.” Arya begs to differ and tells him that “a girl is Arya Stark from Winterfell” and she’s going the f*** home.

And that’s it.

Overall, pretty disappointing episode. Not sure why two characters were killed without actual being seen killed. Disappointed that we have now gone THREE STRAIGHT WEEKS without Ramsay (although he may have a monster fantasy day next week.) Disappointed that we saw like two seconds of Khaleesi. Most disappointed though that the bookmakers’ “Who is going to fight the Mountain Wilfork” odds look like this now:

No fight: -500

Jamie Lannister: +550

The Hound: +750

Connor McGregor: +1000

The Field: +2000

F*** Tommen. What a goober. #NoFunLeague

Divac’s Rating: 2 out of 5 flops

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About Author

Divac is the Editor-In Chief of The Schmozone and founder of Leaveit2divac.com. He is a fantasy sports maniac with terrible gambling habits and has a strange, irrational obsession with everything that is NBA legend Vlade Divac. Divac will be posting his outrageous commentary on daily sports topics in "The Daily Flop" section and one day dreams of being re-born as a mediocre Eastern European NBA journeyman.