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Game of Thrones Schmocap: The Broken Man

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Before we get into this week’s episode, I have a grievance to file. We have now gone two straight weeks without a Ramsay Bolton sighting which is a travesty. As a Ramsay Bolton owner in my Game of Thrones fantasy league, this is hard for me to even discuss. Can’t afford this lack of production. A two week bye from your first rounder is just too much to overcome this late in the season. I thought Ramsay was an excellent selection in my league considering it was a PPR (points per rape), but he has turned out to be somewhat of a bust thus far and that’s all on the coaches because Ramsay is far too great of character to be riding the bench. #LetTheManPlay

Let’s get to the episode.

Somewhere

We start the episode off with a bunch of guys building some sort of a tower and well I’ll be damned, it’s The Hound! Sandor Clegane! The Return of the Mack!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uB1D9wWxd2w

So the Hound’s not dead. Adjust your Game of Thrones survivor pools accordingly. We probably should have known that considering we didn’t actually witness him die. There have been people that we have witnessed actually die that are no longer dead so this hardly comes as a surprise. The bottom line is Arya f***** up. She hit her finishing move and then decided to celebrate on the top rope instead of going for the pin. Regardless, Sandor is still alive and that’s pretty cool. He’s a legit dude.

Hound’s chopping away on some wood with a bum leg like Kirk Gibson in the ’88 World Series when super shaggy, grey beard Rick Pitino shows up and starts marveling over him. Shaggy Pitino apparently found him when Arya left him for dead and speculates that God has a plan for ‘ol Sandor Clegane.

King’s Landing

Lots of Sparrow Goodell – Margery DeflateGate bullsh*t here that I don’t care enough to get into followed by Goodell telling her that she’s got to get King Tommen laid. Just bros looking out for bros. I see you Sparrow. He then leaves Margery with a casual “oh by the way, your grandma is an unrepentant sinner and I fear for her safety if you don’t straighten her out.” Not very bro of you, Goodell. I thought you had changed.

The “Queen of Thorns” Lady Kraft is all worked up over Margery turning heel and wants her to return home to Foxborough. Margery says she has to stay though because she’s queen (and has to get Tommen laid) and instead tells cranky Kraft to go home and take a nap. Margery slips her a drawing of a rose with thorns though while telling her this so that probably means something.

Castle Black

Some Wildling jamoke isn’t happy about fighting Snow’s fight against Ramsay, but Tormund’s on Snow’s side and so is Boban who delivers Divac’s Quote of the Week:

“Snow.”

Well, that settles it.

King’s Landing

Lady Kraft is minding her own business when Queen Giselle Lannister shows up and starts taunting her about leaving King’s Landing while her grandson is still serving his suspension from the National Thrones League. Kraft more or less calls her a stupid bitch and the worst person in the history of ever.

Riverrun

Brady Lannister has been traded to Oakland to help Al Davis and the Raiders win Riverrun back from Blackfish Tully who turns out to be an absolute boss. It appears to have been a heist for the Raiders because Brady has also brought Gronk along to help with the cause. Best trade in Raiders history. Gronk just talks about having a bigger cock than anybody else in the Thrones league and being promised a case, a handle, and an Instagram model wife as compensation for his services to Brady. Meanwhile, Walder Davis’ incompetent sons turn out to be terrible hostage takers and pussy out on their threat to kill Blackfish’s nephew Ser Edmure when Blackfish delivers a cold-blooded “see if I give a f***.” Brady has seen enough of these shenanigans and lets these two clowns know that he has taken over all play-calling from here on out.

Bear Island

Snow and Co. show up to Bear Island to convince Lyanna Mormont to join forces with them. I was just talking about the boss status of Blackfish Tully, yeah? Well, Mormont is like a ten-year old girl and she absolutely sh*ts on the boss status of Blackfish. I mean, this show would’ve been over in Season Two had she had three dragons like Khaleesi. Mormont starts giving Snow the business when he asks for her help, but fortunately Davos “The Janitor” Seaworth is there to clean up the mess. After getting bored to death by Seaworth, Mormont agrees to supply Snow with drunk Jay Cutler and the rest of the Chicago Bears 52-man roster. Ramsay is surely doomed now.

Riverrun

Brady asks Blackfish to surrender the castle over. Blackfish tells him to f*ck off. There’s going to be a battle. That’s all I got here.

House Glover

The Snow Patrol shows up at House Glover. The Glovers don’t like Wildlings. Next.

Boobs

Theon and Ironborn Hillary Clinton are attending some topless whore festival. Hillary is hooking up with some chick while Theon sits there like he’s at the DMV. Her plan is to sail to Mereen, hook up with Khaleesi and her dragons, and then take back the Iron Islands. I’m sure that is exactly what will happen. Hillary has a little pep talk with Theon and asks the Real Slim Theon to please stand up instead of “big p*ssy, I’m so sad that Ramsay cut my d*ck off, just call me ‘Reek'” Theon.

The Hound

Shaggy Pitino is giving his friends a little play-by-play about that time he lasted 15 seconds with some chick he impregnated in a bathroom stall and paid $3,000 to have an abortion when Ironborn Trump shows up out of goddamn nowhere and tells him to “stay safe” as “the night is dark and full of terrors.”

Well, that seems ominous.

Braavos

Arya is trying to get the hell out of Braavos when some old lady approaches her on a bridge and stabs her a whole bunch of times. It’s the stick girl in disguise. Arya falls into the water and then starts staggering around the streets of Braavos with her stab wounds like Aqib Talib outside a Dallas nightclub. (Too soon?) Nobody is paying her all too much attention and we will apparently head in to next episode with a wounded Arya Talib. Once Sparrow Goodell gets word of this, expect an investigation to be launched.

The Hound

We finish with the Hound who is out doing some yardwork when he hears some screams. He returns to camp to find everyone murdered and Shaggy Pitino hanged. The Hound is f****** pissed now and the episode ends with him grabbing his ax and taking off. Here’s an exclusive preview of next week’s episode:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_V-rCP-UeeY

Better than last week’s episode, but still very much building to a great final three episodes. No Tyrion, Khaleesi, Ramsay, or Skip Baelish really weighs this rating down some, but the return of The Hound potentially sets up one of the most important events in Game of Thrones. THE CLEGANEBOWL. The Mountain vs. The Hound. Trial by combat. How’s it going to happen? No clue, but if you took that plus money on it happening then you should be feeling pretty good right now.

Divac’s Rating: 3.3245613 out of 5 flops

Updated Odds on who fights the Mountain:

The Hound: -300

Loras: +300

Gronk: +450

Brady Lannister: +500

Connor McGregor: +1000

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About Author

Divac is the Editor-In Chief of The Schmozone and founder of Leaveit2divac.com. He is a fantasy sports maniac with terrible gambling habits and has a strange, irrational obsession with everything that is NBA legend Vlade Divac. Divac will be posting his outrageous commentary on daily sports topics in "The Daily Flop" section and one day dreams of being re-born as a mediocre Eastern European NBA journeyman.