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Game of Thrones Schmocap: Khaleesi Gonna Take Over the World

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Took Memorial Day off, but still gotta ‘cap this week’s Game of Thrones. Pretty lackadaisical episode from an action stand point, but that was to be expected after last week’s monster episode. As always, I have no idea what I’m talking about. (WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD)

The North

We open where we left off and Bran has decided that it’s a good time to take a nap again while Meera drags him around. Understandable. Bran is aging rapidly and lives an active lifestyle that involves acid trips and s******* himself on a daily basis so he fatigues rather easily. Bran finally wakes up and the White Walkers are right on their tails. In a shocking turn of events that nobody in the world ever saw coming, they are rescued by a rogue horseman. Who could it possibly be?????

House Tarly

Sam, Gilly, and the kid are heading to a Tarly family dinner. Sam specifically instructs Gilly to not to tell his father, Nick Saban, that she’s an Auburn graduate. I’ll bet she listens. They meet his mom and sister first and his sister tells Gilly that her clothes look like s*** so they go get her a new dress. Not much to see here.

King’s Landing

Sparrow Goodell lets King Tommy Pickles see Margery for the first time since being imprisoned for her role in Deflategate and it’s apparent that this is his attempt at weaseling his way into bed with the Players’ Association. Margery is now convinced that she’s was a s*** person and seems to have been brainwashed by Goodell. Meanwhile, Tommen doesn’t seem to get any of this because he’s like 14 years old and is only thinking about getting laid for the first time. Don’t blame him. Margery’s a smoke.

House Tarly

Gilly gets all dressed up for dinner at Tarly’s and we finally meet the legend that is Saban Tarly. As far as bad Game of Thrones fathers are concerned, Sabes is near the top of the list. He might even be ahead of father Stannis who burned his own daughter alive.

Sam’s brother Dickon (interesting Game of Thrones character name considering how many characters have their dicks off) seems like a rather charming fellow. Saban Tarly? Not so much. An already awkward dinner is interrupted by Sabes belittling Sam for a myriad of things which include being fat, wanting to be a maester, and being a poor fit for the Crimson Tide’s zone blocking scheme. Gilly then decides to chime in about how she saw Sam kill a White Walker and a Charlie Villanueva monster on their way back down to Castle Black. Goddammit Gilly! What did we talk about before dinner?

Nothing gets past Sabes who takes note of that “back down from Castle Black” part and he begins to question her about how she came to meet Sam. She straight up just spills the beans that they met at a frat party at Auburn and s*** hits the fan. Saban erupts and points out his BCS Championship sword that he used to slay Les Miles back in 2011. It’s supposed to go to his firstborn son after he retires from coaching, but he states that Sam will never wield the sword. He tells Sam to get the f*** out of Tuscaloosa, but that his bastard, War Eagle son will be raised here to be a five-star recruit for the program.

Sam says his goodbyes to Gilly and the kid, but then decides that the three of them are leaving together and he steals his father’s BCS sword. Power move.

Arya

Arya is supposed to assassinate the actress chick, Lady Crane, so we’re back to watching the play from last week again. This time they are re-enacting the deaths of Joffrey and Lord Tywin. While that’s going on, Arya sneaks backstage and poisons Crane’s drink. Unfortunately for Arya, she ends up committing a major assassin sin by befriending Crane backstage and they have a nice chat. She ends up knocking the drink out of Lady Crane’s hand before she can drink the poison and infers that one of the other actresses wants her dead. Horrible assassin. She’ll never make it in the big leagues.

Arya knows she’s f***** now so she retrieves her sword and heads back to her chambers. The stick girl was also secretly hanging out at the play and goes full D’Angelo Russell by sending Jaquen Hagar a Snapchat of Arya not getting the job done. Jaquen then seemingly gives her the go-ahead to end Arya by saying, “Don’t let her suffer.”

King’s Landing

Margery is all set to make her walk of shame for her role in DeflateGate, but Brady Lannister and Mace Kraft show up to put a stop to it as planned. Brady tells Goodell to hand her and her brother Loras Amendola over, but Goodell tells them to f*** off. Much to the surprise of everyone though, Goodell decides to rescind the walk of atonement. Then, King Tommy struts on out like a douche to announce that the Players’ Association and the front office have agreed on a new collective bargaining agreement in order to restore glory to the National Thrones League which prompts Goodell to unleash the most arrogant “I just f****** owned you” grin in Game of Thrones history. The fans erupt in cheer as Brady can’t believe that his own son has gone to play for the other team. Lady Belichick sums it up best to Mace Kraft for Divac’s quote of the week:

“They’ve beaten us. That’s what’s happening.”

Brady is pissed and pleads with Tommy to reconsider, but Tommy states that the decision is final. In another shocking move, Tommy announces that Brady has been traded to another city.

Oakland

We head to Oakland for the first time this season and Al Davis is chewing out his sons for losing Riverrun to the Dolphins. He orders them to take it back, but they say that they just don’t have the personnel due to poor draft selections such as SerMarcus of House Russell. Fortunately, Walder Davis has been holding Ser Dan Marino hostage since the Red Wedding and plans on using him as a bargaining chip to get Riverrun back from the Dolphins.

King’s Landing

Brady reveals to Queen Giselle that he’s been traded to Oakland, but says he’s going to use the no-trade clause that he had built-in to his contract to not go there. Instead he’s going to shoot his boy Gronk a case and a couple handles to have him gather his tightest bros and then they are all going to go haze the s*** out of Goodell. Giselle doesn’t like that idea so much and thinks Brady should go to Oakland. When Brady expresses concern for her upcoming trial, Giselle reveals that it will be a trial by combat and she has “The Mountain” Vince Wilfork on her side. Then they start making out which is way less weird if you think of them as Brady and Giselle rather than brother and sister.

The North

We finally get back to Bran and his mysterious savior who reveals himself to be UNCLE BENJEN STARK! Well f*** me sideways! This dude just disappears in like Season 1 and apparently has just been chilling in the North waiting to show up at the perfect time to rescue Bran from White Walkers. I mean, what are the chances? This is like some Doug Flutie s***. Win the Heisman trophy, fizzle out of the NFL, disappear to the North (Canada) for like seven seasons, and then return as a Pro Bowl quarterback to lead the Bills to the playoffs.

It turns out that Benny the Jet was left for dead by a White Walker, but was found and saved by the fireball children. Oh, well that’s fantastic Uncle Benjen. Glad you’re alive. Care to explain what you’ve been doing for SIX F****** SEASONS? Eating rabbits? Skiing? Tobogganing maybe? Didn’t care to, you know, just maybe return home. Tell everyone that you were still alive and not a White Walker.

Anyways, Benjen says that Bran is the Three-Eyed Raven now and that he has to learn to control it before the King of the White Walkers, Antoine Walker, shows up. Sure, listen to the guy who’s been eating rabbits and wandering a frozen tundra for God knows how long. Whatever. Not a fan of delinquent Uncle Benjy.

Khaleesi

Finally we get a good Khaleesi jerk session in just before the episode ends. Khaleesi, Daario, and the Dothraki are traveling to Mereen when Khaleesi rides off and returns with her big-ass dragon. Not quite sure of the logistics concerning that, but OK. As Daario j***** in his pants, Khaleesi delivers a powerful speech in Dothraki that can pretty much be summed up into “We’re taking over the world, aight?”

Sure, I’m down.

Divac’s Rating: 2.5 out of 5 flops

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About Author

Divac is the Editor-In Chief of The Schmozone and founder of Leaveit2divac.com. He is a fantasy sports maniac with terrible gambling habits and has a strange, irrational obsession with everything that is NBA legend Vlade Divac. Divac will be posting his outrageous commentary on daily sports topics in "The Daily Flop" section and one day dreams of being re-born as a mediocre Eastern European NBA journeyman.