Before we get into the Schmocap, let’s all make this National “Hold the Door” Day. I don’t care if the next closest person is more than than ten seconds away. I want everyone out there to be holding that goddamn door open for them. Scream “Hold the Door” over and over again while you’re at it as well. Our boy Hodor deserves it because Douchebag Bran f***** his life up. Much more on that later. (WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD)
Sansa receives a letter and then she goes with Mutant Ellen Degeneres to meet with Skip Baelish Littlefinger to embrace some debate on the set of ESPN First Take. Skip spews some bulls*** about not knowing about Ramsay Football when he handed Sansa off to the Boltons, but Sansa A. Smith isn’t having it. She just can’t BELIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVE how he could be so DISRESPECTFUL and then goes into a soliloquy about how Skip can’t be forgiven. Skip leaves Sansa with some valuable info though as he tells that her that her uncle Vin Scully has an army in Los Angeles that will be loyal to her; an army of her own, not her half-brother’s.
Now to a whole bunch of Arya which generally leaves me just flummoxed. She takes another beating from stick girl, but puts up a better fight now (probably because she’s not blind anymore). Then Jackie Hagar tells her that she has to kill some actress or her face goes on the wall or something. Arya attends some play that pretty much just s**** on Ned Stark. Arya’s going to probably end up killing this Lady Crane next episode. That’s all I got.
Joe Flacco’s Nest
Big revelation here. Bran takes an acid trip and it turns out that the little fireball children who chill with the Three-Eyed Raven Joe Flacco created the White Walkers in order to defend themselves from humans. F****** s***heads.
Sister Greyjoy is running for Queen of the Iron Islands, but some of the Ironborn aren’t too happy about having a Queen instead of a King. Theon offers her his undying support for her campaign and everything appears to be going swimmingly. That is until their uncle, Donald Trump, shows up and announces his candidacy for the Iron Islands throne. This guy’s a real big d*** and even admits to killing his brother, but he manages to garner support by promising to set sail to Westeros in order to combine forces with Khaleesi to take over the world.
With all due respect, f*** this guy. Who the hell does he think he is? Anyways, Trump has to go through some initiation process in which his head gets held under water and he nearly drowns. While this is going on, Theon and his sister steal all of his ships and take off. What a moron.
Jorah the Explorer reveals to Khaleesi — who is looking absolutely incredible by the way — that he is turning into a Ted Ginn stone hands man and that he’s always loved her. This devastates Khaleesi because she took a chance on Jorah in the early rounds of her Game of Thrones fantasy draft and now she’s in big trouble. She commands Jorah to find a cure for his Ted Ginn disease because she didn’t draft a back-up tight end.
Tyrion brings in a red priestess, who hopefully gets naked in the coming episodes, to help with some public relations for Khaleesi. Baldy isn’t too big of a fan of this chick and she suggests that it’s because he got his d*** cut off by a back-up sorcerer when he was a child. It’s just really hard to come across good back-up sorcery help these days. As far as back-up performances are concerned, getting your penis cut off is probably on par with running out of the back of the end zone.
Joe Flacco’s Nest
Flacco’s taking a nap when Bran decides to take an unsupervised acid trip like a douchebag. This turns out to be a super bad trip because he’s now faced with an army of White Walkers. He ends up getting touched by King White Walker — let’s call him Antoine Walker — and he rudely interrupts Flacco’s nap by screaming. Flacco tells all of them to get the f*** out of his treehouse because Antoine’s going to come eat them now and then Flacco delivers the Divac quote of the week:
Flacco: “The time has come.”
Bran: “For what?”
Flacco: “For you to become me.”
Bran: “But am I ready?”
Brutal honesty. This reminds me of something Kobe would say when asked to “pass the torch” to somebody on the Lakers, probably D’Angelo Russell.
Jon Snow has a small, garbage army and that’s not going to work if they want to take Cleveland back from Ramsay Football. Fortunately, Sansa comes up with a brilliant idea to hit up Uncle Scully in L.A. for some army help. Ser Davos thinks this is a brilliant idea since Vin is a legend and they played on the same intramural softball team back in there younger days. Mutant Ellen Degeneres reluctantly agrees to leave Sansa’s side and head to L.A. to talk with the Scully while the rest of the Castle Black crew head to gain support from the other houses of the North.
Joe Flacco’s Nest
A rare third trip to the Flacco Nest and now s*** starts getting real. Antoine and his army are outside. Bran is sleeping like an a**hole while Meera tries to wake him up. Leave it to Bran to pick the worst time to take a nap. The fireball kids try to hold the Walkers off, but it doesn’t work too well. Bran’s still sleeping as the Walkers break in and Meera is pleading with Bran to warg into Hodor.
This is all very confusing and rather hard to describe, but whatever. We start seeing some Bran acid trips of when Hodor was a normal functioning fat kid named Willis that said stuff besides, “Hodor.” Then Hodor get those eyes and starts wheeling Bran out of there while Meera throws a spear into one of the boss White Walkers and shatters him into glass. Sure, OK. Guess that’s happening.
Bran’s direwolf Summer ends up sacrificing himself and gets shredded by some White Walkers so if you had Ghost in your direwolf survivor pool then congratulations because he’s the last one standing. As Bran, Meera, and Hodor are making a run for it, Flacco is a sitting duck in the pocket for Antoine who ends him. The three of them end up reaching a door which Hodor breaks open as the Walkers close in on them and that’s when it all starts coming together.
Hodor closes the door behind him as Meera escapes with Bran. She screams to Hodor to “hold the door!” as we flash to fat boy Willis having a seizure in front of Bran and start yelling “Hold the door!” over and over. This eventually turns into just “Hodor” and it quickly becomes obvious why Hodor was reduced to his Hodor-saying ways. All Bran’s fault. Thanks buddy.
The episode solemnly ends with Willis repeatedly saying “Hodor” and Hodor being overtaken by the Walkers as he holds the door closed.
Legitimately sad ending. RIP Hodor.
Divac’s MVP of the Week: Hodor
Divac’s Goat of the Week: Bran
Divac’s Rating: 4.5/5