Mother of f****** Dragons. Just burn my goddamn eyeballs out Khaleesi. I mean, speechless. No words. I’m like f****** Hodor right now. Can’t even process thoughts.
Before we get into my Khaleesi jerk session, if you’ve read one of these before then you know the drill. If you haven’t then that’s a shame, but I’ll do my best to recap whichever Game of Thrones episode just happened even though I only pay attention to scenes with Khaleesi in them. (WARNING: SPOILERS)
Jon Snow’s friend is all pissed that Snow is leaving Castle Black as a free agent and heading to Miami. #LeBronSnow
Things change though when Sansa and Mutant Ellen Degeneres conveniently show up at the gate which leads to an emotional Sansa/LeBron embrace. They have a a nice chat, but I was a little disappointed that they skipped the whole…
“Hey, Jon what’s new?”
“Oh, not much Sansa. Just used to be dead. Now I’m not.”
Anyways, Sansa tries convincing ‘Bron Snow to retake his home of Cleveland from Ramsay Football. Jon’s not having it though. He’s got his sights set on South Beach. Meanwhile, Mutant Ellen has a nice mic drop line while talking with Red Woman/Saggy Boobs Grandma and Yabba Davos Seaworth:
Mutant ED: “He admitted it, you know.” [in reference to assassinating Renly Baratheon]
Davos: “Who did?”
Mutant ED: “Stannis, just before I executed him.”
The dirtiest player in the game, Skip Baelish Littlefinger, returns to the Vail after marrying Sansa off to Ramsay and that egregiously dumb, ADD kid, ‘Hammerin’ Robyn Arryn, j***** all over him. Skip is just the sliest fox out there. Game of Thrones Belichick. He’s got ‘Hammerin’ wrapped around his little finger (no pun intended) and is running the show in the Vail which means that they are going to save Sansa from Ramsay (or so they think).
Tyrion and some emo slavers are having trade negotiations which involves Tyrion offering them a seven-year slave deal (but freedom in Mereen) and in exchange the emo slavers will stop pitching to the Sons of Bryce Harper. Grey Worm and Missy Elliott aren’t too pleased with this deal and think Tyrion is getting ripped off. They then e-mail their commissioner to have it vetoed and post about how unfair it is on the Yahoo Fantasy message boards while everyone else gets pissed about an incredibly long Gmail thread.
Daario and Jora the Explorer are heading to rescue Khaleesi from Zeta Tau Dothraki and Daario finds out that Jorah is turning into a Ted Ginn stone hands man. A sex boat party of sorts is going on as they sneak into Dothraki Summer Camp and they quickly encounter two Minnesota Vikings. Daario chases down Mewelde Moore and snaps his neck while Jorah duels with Fred Smoot. Jorah’s about to go down, but Daario returns and stabs Freddy with his dagger that he was advised by Jorah to leave behind. He then bashes his head in with a rock a whole bunch of times to mask the stab wounds. It’s a rather entertaining sequence.
Now the Khaleesi show starts. Khaleesi and one of her sorority sisters decide to take a stroll outside and they run into Jorah and Daario. They start hatching a plan to escape.
OK, so this was just a preview of the Khaleesi show.
Now for 15 minutes worth of all the sh*t going on in King’s Landing which seemed more like 15 hours. High Sparrow Goodell (my roommates call him Sparrow Bernie Sanders which I’m sure is accurate, but I know nothing of politics) rambles on to Shawshank Margery about sin and righteousness and the collective bargaining agreement or something. I dunno, I completely zoned out during this scene. Sparrow Goodell has firmly entrenched himself as Game of Thrones’ most insufferable character. He then allows Margery to see her brother Loras Brady who has been locked up for his role in DeflateGate.
Loras is in really bad shape, but Margery urges him to stay strong. He just wants it to stop. It will be very interesting to see where Loras will go in Game of Thrones fantasy drafts this year.
We flash to King Tommen Pickles who is having a therapy session with Grand Maester P. Cersei tells Maester P to get the f*** out and I just love how slow that guy walks. He’s like Game of Thrones Trent Richardson. Just an absolute shuffler. Tommy then alerts his mother of Sparrow Goodell’s plan to have Margery “atone for her sins” via a Walk of Shame.
Jaime and Cersei then inform Old Lady Tyrell and Uncle Lannister of this and everyone agrees that this will not happen.
Theon coincidentally shows up just after the death of his father and his sister is pissed at him for being a big p**** when she came to rescue him earlier from Ramsay. She thinks he has come back home to be the King, but he tells her that this is not the case and he thinks she should rule the Iron Islands. Not too much to see here.
Ah, yes. Ramsay Football. Big Ramsay fan here, love his shtick and this is just a fantastic scene. The Wildling chick with Rickon shows up in Ramsay’s office as he sadistically peels an apple. She begins pleasuring him which is obviously the worst-hatched plan ever to dispose of Ramsay Football. We all know how this one is going to end, but it’s still fantastic. As she makes a lunge towards the knife Ramsay was using to peel the apple, Ramsay unleashes a Steph Curry dagger to the throat and that’s all she wrote.
Everyone’s at the dinner table when Jon Snow receives a Dan Gilbert-esque letter from Ramsay Football written in Comic Sans font. It should also be noted that Wildling Tormund appears to be highly intrigued by the prospects of romancing Mutant Ellen and potentially making some incredible power babies.
Back to the letter, it’s amazingly well-written and uplifting:
“To the traitor and bastard Jon Snow. You allowed thousands of Wildlings past the Wall. You have betrayed your own kind. You have betrayed the North. Winterfell is mine, bastard. Come and see. Your brother Rickon is in my dungeon. His direwolf’s skin is on my floor. Come and see. I want my bride back. Send her to me, bastard, and I will not trouble you or your wildling lovers. Keep her from me and I will ride North and slaughter every wildling man, woman, and babe living under your protection. You will watch as I skin them living. You will watch as my soldiers take turns raping you sister. You will watch as my dogs devour your wild little brother. Then I will spoon your eyes from their sockets and let my dogs do the rest. Come and see.”
– Ramsay Bolton, Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North
Jon now agrees that he needs to go back to Cleveland.
Showtime! The Khal and his friends are talking about the latest novel they read at their weekly book club meeting when Khaleesi is brought in. The Dothraki trade deadline is looming and the Yankees have offered them ten thousand horses to be named later in exchange for the Khaleesi’s services. Khal Douchebag politely rejects.
Khaleesi then gives a passionate, boner-worthy speech in which she calls them “small men” and rightly proclaims herself as fit to lead the Dothraki which angers Khal Douchebag greatly. Then she drops the hammer for Divac’s undisputed quote of the week:
“You’re not going to serve. You’re going to die.”
– Motherf****** Khaleesi
She tips over the torches and starts burning the place down. The Dothraki suck and aren’t immune to fire like the Queen of Dragons so that’s a problem for them. In possibly the greatest scene in Game of Thrones history, a naked Khaleesi slowly emerges from the flames and at this point I’m just dying. Literally, can’t even function. They all just get on their knees and bow to the great Khaleesi. Jorah’s on his knees. Daario’s on his knees. I’m in my living room on my knees. Can’t even.
Divac’s MVP Race:
- MVP: Khaleesi (unanimous)
- Runner-up: Ramsay (Steph Curry dagger)
- Second runner-up: Littlefinger (sly fox)
Divac’s Goats of the Week:
- Sparrow Goodell (f*** him)
- Tyrion (may have gotten trade r**** by a bunch of emo slavers)
- Wildling Chick (terrible assassination attempt)
Divac’s Rating : No Bran + No Arya + Naked Khaleesi = 10000000000000000000000000000000/5