It went down on Game of Thrones tonight. Even somebody as clueless as me realizes it. If you’re new to this Game of Thrones SchmoCap series, check out last week’s SchmoCap. If clicking and/or reading is difficult for you (it’s difficult for me), then all you really need to know is that I do my best to recap Game of Thrones every week. It’s a struggle though. Names get mixed up. Important events go unnoticed. Accuracy is thrown out the window. This is basically just whatever I thought happened in my little Divac brain. Let’s go. (WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD)
Senior citizen Bran Stark hasn’t moved since we last saw him (probably because he’s paralyzed). The three-eyed Raven Joe Flacco takes Bran on a stroll down memory lane by placing him back in a time when Ned Stark was a little boy growing up with his siblings and Hodor was a fat kid named Willis.
Like most things that happen with Bran, I have no idea what significance any of this has nor do I care. All I took away from this is that Hodor used to be able to say something else besides “Hodor.”
Dabo “Swinney” Seaworth is still barricaded in his coaching office with some recruits while Ser Allie Thorn tries to sweet talk his way in. When that fails, some fat guy with an ax starts banging down the door. Just in the knick of time, Spurs center Boban Marjanovic and the Wildlings show up with Jon Snow’s friend to save the day. After getting harmlessly pierced by an arrow, Boban grabs the archer and slams him against the wall like a fly swatter. The traitors are scared shitless:
After Snow’s friend and Allie exchange some words, that little prick Olly tries a sneak attack but it’s to no avail. He and the rest of the traitors are taken captive.
Some drunk guy is saying some dirty shit about Cersei and then gets his head bashed in by Robo-Mountain as he’s taking a piss in an alley. You can do stuff like that when you wake up in the middle of the night and eat raw eggs.
Robo-Mountain returns to escort Cersei to her daughter’s funeral, but they are stopped by the King’s Watch at the command of King Tommy Pickles. The little rugrat doesn’t want her there for her own protection. Tommy then has a heartfelt one-on-one with uncle/father Jamie at Myrcella’s funeral explaining his desire to be stronger. However, Sparrow Goodell shows up to shit all over the place. He dares Jamie to kill him, but he of course has brought all of his creepy forehead tat frat bros with him as protection so Jamie doesn’t. He then fines Jamie $5 million dollars and takes away a future draft pick.
A rare three-scene, one location sequence ends with Tommy Pickles apologizing to Cersei for being a big pussy king. He wants to be strong and asks for his mother’s help. In a rather touching moment, Cersei says “always” and hugs her son.
Tyrion makes a “cock joke” amid two guys without cocks (Baldy and Greyworm). Missy Elliott informs Tyrion that the dragons haven’t eaten since Khaleesi left. I was going to make an “I haven’t jerked it since Khaleesi left” joke, but deemed it too risque for this medium. Nevertheless, Tyrion’s solution to this not eating problem is to release them from captivity which should serve as a lesson to all those watching Game of Thrones from their prison cells (do prisons have HBO?) — if you want to be freed, just go on a hunger strike.
Tyrion proves why he’s always on top of the Game of Thrones power rankings as he politely asks the dragons to “not to eat the help” when he approaches to free them. He then returns to Baldy after successfully removing the dragons’ shackles and tells him to “punch him in the face the next time he has an idea like that.” Tyrion is a bro.
That chick shows up again to beat up blind Arya with a stick, but Arya’s not having it again. She starts flailing away like Adam Dunn trying to hit a curveball, but is put down by the stick girl. She takes off with Arya still swinging away and Jaquen the Box shows up. Not even going to pretend like I know what’s going on here. Arya just keeps saying “girl has no name” and takes off with the Jackalope. Whatever.
Now to the place where the worst things in all of Westeros happen — Cleveland, home of Ramsey Football and the Cleveland Browns. Browns owner Jimmy Haslam receives some good news about RG3 signing with the Browns, but still expresses some heartfelt confidence in Ramsey Football as the Browns quarterback of the future. Unfortunately for him, Ramsey Football is all coked out after an all-night rager and not thinking clearly so he stabs him to death. He then instructs one of the assistant coaches to tell everyone that someone in a blonde wig named Billy poisoned him to death.
Ramsay Football’s not done as he approaches head coach Hue Jackson carrying little baby RG3. He leads them to the Dawg Pound and drops the line of the episode before unleashing the rabid fan base on the two of them:
“I prefer being the only quarterback.”
Ramsey Football, everyone!
Somewhere Outside Cleveland (Maybe Toledo?)
Sansa talks to Theon some. Theon is sorry about being a backstabber and pretty much getting everyone in her family killed. Sansa wants to forgive him, but he refuses it saying that he can never be forgiven. Instead of going with Sansa and Mutant Ellen Degeneres to the Wall, Theon decides to head home.
That’s where home is for Theon. Sister Greyjoy argues with Old Man Greyjoy and he tells her to shut up. For some reason, OMG then decides to walk across a suspended wooden bridge that looks to have all the durability of a Derrick Rose knee ligament amid torrential downpour. Some guy shows up (Brother Greyjoy?) and ends up throwing him to his death down below. The moral of the story at this point is that if you’re Lord or King or Prince of anything in this show then your life expectancy is like two minutes.
Now for what we’ve all been waiting for. Dabo tries to convince the Red Woman/Saggy Boobs Grandma into trying to bring Jon Snow back to life. She isn’t too confident, but agrees to try. She starts giving Jon a haircut like she works at Sport Clips or something and even gives him the MVP treatment with a wash and hot towel massage. She says some jibberish over his body and it doesn’t appear to work. Everyone heads out all depressed, but something amazing and completely unexpected happens next:
And thus, Jon Snow has been revived! pic.twitter.com/H8nDPhsDbs
— Shawnieswami (@ShawnieSwami) May 2, 2016
Do you believe in miracles? YES! Jon Snow is back, baby!
— Lerbon Janes (@ColeyMick) May 2, 2016
Divac’s Rating: 4 out of 5 flops (full point grade drop due to an absence of Khaleesi).