Here are The Informer’s random thoughts, drunken ramblings and idiotic observations from the first round of the 2016 NFL Draft.
In the words of a pimp named Harry “Big” Johnson: “Just because there are two girls standing on the corner, it does not make them professional hookers.”
What do the wise words from a made up pimp have to do with the 2016 NFL Draft you ask?
Well, just because the Rams and Eagles traded away a king’s ransom to pick quarterbacks 1-2 in this draft, does not mean that they drafted
professional franchise quarterbacks. All it means is the Rams and Eagles gave up a king’s ransom for the right to pick quarterbacks 1-2 in a draft where there was no sure thing at the position.
Transitioning away from the top two picks, here are my three favorite “Corey Coleman got drafted by the Cleveland Browns” tweets from last night:
— Crying Jordan (@crying_jordan) April 29, 2016
That moment when you consider retirement seconds after being drafted… pic.twitter.com/PrLdZiLme9
— NFL Memes (@NFL_Memes) April 29, 2016
And last but not least . . .
Condolences to Corey Coleman, that man had a family😪
— NFL Memes (@NFL_Memes) April 29, 2016
Not going to lie, the “that man had a family” tweet might be the funniest thing The Informer has ever seen.
Moving along, did you all see the first episode of the new season of HBO’s Ballers that aired last night?
It was about a college tackle who was about to be drafted in the top five of the NFL Draft, but right before the draft a video leaks of him smoking marijuana through a gas mask. And if that is not bad enough, later in the episode the dude admits to taking money from college coaches on live TV. Luckily, The Rock is there to smooth it over and the kid ends up getting drafted by the Miami Dolphins and lives happily ever after.
Honestly, other than the outrageously far-fetched plot, it was probably one of the best television episodes ever made.
Here is a weird stat: Did you know that last night Laremy Tunsil became the first player in NFL history to get suspended while walking up to the podium on draft day? In hindsight, someone from the Tunsil camp probably should have told Laremy it would be a bad idea to use Afroman’s “Because I got High” song as his “walking to the podium” music.
So take this how you will, but The Informer has it on good authority –from multiple unknown sources — that Roger Goodell was going around allegedly telling people this joke at the NFL Draft last night: “Laremy Tunsil, Tom Brady and Ray Rice walk into a bar . . . And they are suspended.”
Kind of a dry humor joke, but who knew Goodell was such a comedian?
As long as we are telling jokes, here are two jokes The Informer came up with about the New York Giants and their newest draft pick Eli Apple:
- The New York Giants like drafting dudes named Eli more than Hugh Hefner likes dating 19-year old blondes with fake breasts and daddy issues.
- Eli Apple’s stock was downgraded by one scout because he does not know how to cook. Sadly, since cooking skills are now a deterrent to being drafted, The Informer had to officially tell his wife that her NFL dreams were over.
Anyways, which means The Informer is trying to change the subject before he gets stabbed by his wife, can everyone writing NFL Draft recaps please stop putting the gawd damn disclaimer at the end that says there were only 31 picks in the first round this year? I mean seriously, we all f*****g know the Pats lost their pick so there is one less than normal. We don’t need a 20-word disclaimer to remind us of this fact in every single freaking article. Thank you. #RantOver.
On a more positive note: Here is a funny San Francisco 49ers meme that The Informer can’t stop laughing at:
This one made me laugh hard and loud pic.twitter.com/7JubpTaRId
— The Informer (@therealinformer) April 29, 2016
There is comedy, there is high comedy, there is the above meme, and then there is Jon Gruden yelling at young football players to get off their social media accounts after finding out about the Tunsil video.
Here is a weird tidbit that might just link the Illuminati to the NFL: Last night the Atlanta Falcons, who used to be coached by a man named Reeves, drafted a player named Keanu only two years after the movie Jon Wick, starring Keanu Reeves, hit the big screen.
That can’t be a mere coincidence, right?
Speaking of coincidences, did anyone else think the New England Patriots and the evil genius Bill Belichick were behind the leaking of the Tunsil video? Maybe just for a minute?
The Informer has to ask: How in the blue hell did the Chicago Bears not draft a new bartender last night? Don’t they realize keeping drunk Jay Cutler drunk should be their number one goal for 2016?
Okay, all jokes aside, here are The Informer’s favorite picks of the 2016 NFL Draft: Elliot to Dallas (he will be ROY), Paxton Lynch to Denver, that guy Arizona drafted and whoever picks Derek Henry and Christian Hackenberg.
Now if you will excuse me, The Informer needs to go watch endless vines of “Crying Jordan Face” taking bong hits while listening to Afroman talk about the hippie lettuce.
The Informer after the blog note — *There were only 31 picks in the first round of the 2016 NFL Draft, due to the fact that New England’s pick was forfeited because of the Deflate-gate scandal.