Game of Thrones is back which basically means life is back. It’s been nearly a year since (WARNING:SPOILERS AHEAD) we last saw Season 5 end with Jon Snow being murdered at Castle Black in what was the greatest betrayal since LeBron left Cleveland for Miami.
A little disclaimer before we dive right in to the SchmoCap of the premiere of Season 6. I don’t really know what I’m talking about. My attention span is short and often times I lose focus when Khaleesi isn’t on screen. I didn’t read the books. Actually that’s a lie. I read the first 120 pages or so of the first book which is more than I have read of any book since like fourth grade. I pretend to know what’s going on in Game of Thrones, but the names confuse me greatly and people die all the time. Throw in the fact that I haven’t watched an episode for like eleven months and this SchmoCap may end up being an absolute sh*tshow as far as accuracy and factual information is concerned. Regardless, I’m writing this because GAME OF THRONES! YEAH BABY! IT’S BACK!
We return to Game of Thrones where we left off, Jon laying dead in the snow at Castle Black. Ser Dabo “Swinney” Seaworth, head coach of Clemson Tigers football and the right-hand man of the thankfully disposed Stannis Baratheon, discovers the body along with some of Jon’s Night’s Watch friends. They barricade themselves in Swinney’s chambers with the body and that dude who isn’t Grenn — because he’s dead, or Sam — because’ he’s fat — is torn up about it.
Meanwhile, Ser Alister Thorne has a press conference to talk about why they had to betray Jon. It basically looked like this:
Just imagine Jim Mora with an Irish accent and replace “interceptions” with ‘white walkers” and it’s more or less an exact transcript.
Little sidenote here: that Olly kid is going through a Greg Oden-like aging process. I swear, that kid looks like he aged two years in between stabbing Jon and the press conference.
Winterfell (House Bolton)
Now we head to what is currently the most miserable place in all of Westeros, Winterfell, the home of House Bolton. This is to Game of Thrones what the Cleveland Browns are to the NFL.
Ramsey Football is “grieving” over the death of that girl he used to rape while Sansa and Theon are trying to escape Cleveland after Sansa had her draft rights traded to the Browns. After crossing a frozen Lake Erie, Theon and Sansa end up getting chased down by some of the Browns secondary and look to be in trouble. Fortunately, roided up Ellen Degeneres shows up at the perfect time with her squire to save them. I’m happy to report that I took the over 10 minutes and 33 seconds before somebody died (not including the intro part) and I hit that with ease. Mutant Degeneres disposes of the Browns with some help from Squire P and a Theon kill shot and then pledges her services to Sansa. Also, Theo has no penis. Just wanted to make sure everybody remembered that.
Cersei is awaiting brother/lover Jamie’s arrival with their daughter Myrcella from Dorne and she has gone through a semi-remarkable Carlos Boozer-like hair growth since her walk of shame. Cersei must not have received Jamie’s SnapChat though because she doesn’t know that Myrcella died on the boat after she was secretly poisoned by Oberyn’s crazy widow lady with some disease — let’s call it dysentery. Cersei’s saddened, but not surprised as some witch had told her that all three of her children were going to die. Uplifting.
Jamie says, “f*ck prophecy, f*ck fate, f*ck everybody that isn’t us” and promises to take back everything that is theirs and more. Cersei has a re-engineered robo-Mountain on her side now so I like their chances.
The Prince of Dorne and his son are assassinated by Obie’s crazy b*tch lady and her Ninja Turtle daughters. That’s all you need to know there. First two characters killed off in Game of Thrones Season 6.
Tyrion and Baldy are chilling in Mereen which is in shambles after the attack by the Sons of Bryce Harper. Khaleesi’s popularity has dropped immensely within the city after she fled it on a dragon. That’s a mistake because Khaleesi is awesome. Tyrion and Baldy talk about figuring out who’s leading the Harpers and then there’s a big fire at the docks so the two of them won’t be sailing home anytime soon.
Jorah the Explorer and Daario are on the search for Khaleesi. Jorah finds her ring and proclaims that the Dothraki have her which prompts an impressive response from the horse he was riding (I may be the only one who noticed this). Also, Jorah is turning into Game of Thrones Ted Ginn (stone man).
This is the best part of the episode because Khaleesi finally shows up and nothing gets me going quite like the sight of Khaleesi. She’s basically my Game of Thrones Divac. The Dothraki have captured her though and are being very rude which bothers me greatly. She is brought to Khal Douchebag who drops the quote of the episode (in Dothraki):
“Seeing a beautiful woman naked for the first time is among the five best things in life.”
Would love to hear the rest of Khal Douchebag’s “best things in life’ power rankings. He’s probably got three other really twisted, sick things like butchering a horse and eating it’s heart and then one completely normal thing like attending Dothraki book club every week.
As he tries to undress her, Khaleesi just lays the hammer down telling him that she’s Danerys motherf*cking Targaryen, Queen of Dragons, Breaker of Chains, Ruler of My Heart and he will not touch her. The Khal eschews it, but Khaleesi plays the “I was wife of Khal Drogo, I burned his goddamn body” card. Game changer. Widow’s of Khal’s are in the no-fly zone. Apparently there’s a temple though where widow’s of Khal’s hang out so that’s where Khaleesi’s headed.
Wherever Arya is
Arya’s storyline completely lost me last season and I still have no idea what the f*ck is going on. Arya’s blind and begging on the streets. Some girl shows up and beats her up with a stick. Hardly seems fair.
Dabo and company are still barricaded in his chambers and heavily outnumbered. Alister tries to weasel his way in, but it’s a no go. Swinney is banking on the Red Woman to make some noise which brings us to the final scene of episode 1.
It surprisingly took this long for somebody to get naked, but the Red Woman finally does as she is alone in her quarters. A seemingly young, attractive female is the Red Woman, but when she takes off her special necklace she turns into 3,000 year-old saggy boobs grandma.
The sight of this brilliance ends the first episode of season 6. Thanks Game of Thrones!
And so ends a rather lackluster premiere. We know though that Game of Thrones can take a couple episodes to get going. We’ve got some interesting storylines brewing.
Divac’s Rating: 2.5 out of 5 flops.