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Less Clutch: Kyle Lowry in the NBA Playoffs or Credit Card Chips?

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I need to get this off my chest. I f****** hate these new credit card chips. About six months ago, I got a new credit card from Chase with a mysterious silverish thing above the first four numbers. I read the literature that Chase provided with this new card that they forced upon me and thought “oh good, this will minimize the potential of fraud on my account”. Great. Sold.

I was so naive.

As a general rule, I try to go about living my life with as little human interaction with strangers as possible — ruffling as few feathers as I possibly can while getting from point A to point B. Enter the credit card chip. Now a process that used to be as simple as just handing my card to a cashier and waiting three seconds has become a wildly unpredictable 15+ seconds of pure agony. Does the portal have a chip reader? Do I ask if I swipe or insert? Did I stick it in far enough? Did I wait long enough? Did I stick it in too far? These are all new questions that we are forced to cope with due to this heinous regression in technology. Just look at how much more complicated this now is:

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A similar option overload seems to engulf Toronto Raptors guard Kyle Lowry’s mind once he enters the playoffs. Should I shoot this spot-up three from 30-feet out early in the shot clock? Should I drive to the basket and get fouled or turn it over? Will Drake even like me anymore after all of this? It’s uncomfortable to watch. Game One of the Raptors/Pacers series had a hilarious sequence of events in which Lowry missed something like six of his first seven shots — bad misses too — and then ESPN aired a pregame interview of Lowry saying something along the lines of “I know how everyone talks about how I choke in the playoffs. I can’t wait to get out there and prove them wrong. He then promptly bricks a couple of three pointers and the Raptors lose Game One at home against a team that starts LaVoy Allen and George Hill.

Don’t get me wrong, I like the Raptors. I honestly hope that they win this series and go on to beat the Cavs so they can get obliterated by Golden State  in the Finals (and it will be Golden State). That’s not going to happen though because Kyle Lowry and the Raptors aren’t all that clutch #WeTheChokers

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About Author

Tech start-up analyst by day, sports enthusiast by night. Commissioner Gordon uses his undying love of sports and cutting edge predictive analytic tools to gain a competitive edge on absolutely no one. Living his life in a perpetual state of sarcasm -- Commissioner Gordon is tall, handsome, and struggles to communicate with average-to-short sized individuals when in a large crowd.