Red Sox place Pablo Sandoval on the DL after he tries to eat Mookie Betts


BOSTON — The Red Sox have placed 3B Pablo Sandoval on the DL with what the Red Sox are calling an “injured shoulder.” However, inside sources in the Red Sox locker room have described a disturbing scene in which the hungry third baseman tried to eat star outfielder Mookie Betts following the Red Sox 4-2 win over the Orioles on Wednesday.

Like a Nile River crocodile, Sandoval reportedly approached an unsuspecting Betts from behind during post-game festivities and clamped his massive jaws around the head of the center fielder while teammates watched in horror. Betts could be seen kicking furiously as — within only seconds — nearly half of his small frame was in the clutches of Sandoval. Thankfully, a quick-acting Dustin Pedroia rushed over to free Betts from the throat of Sandoval by pulling on his legs while other teammates started whacking Sandoval with baseball bats.

A clearly shaken Betts was not injured, but declined to address the harrowing incident. The Red Sox elaborated very little on the matter, but one team official called it “unacceptable that it wasn’t Rick Porcello instead of Betts.” According to Elias Sports Bureau, this is  the first time that a MLB player has tried to eat a teammate since Bartolo Colon tried to eat Kenny Lofton back in 2001, but spit him out because he didn’t taste so good.

The Red Sox still owe Pablo Sandoval $75 million from the five year, $95 million deal they signed him to in 2014. The 2012 World Series MVP had a massively disappointing 2015 season and Sandoval was benched to start the 2016 season due to weight issues.

(NOTE: Other than the information that has links attached to it, this story is completely fictional (well, at least PROBABLY fictional) and is only designed to be enjoyed as “satire.” However, the use of this to test others’ gullibility is not discouraged in any way.)


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Divac is the Editor-In Chief of The Schmozone and founder of He is a fantasy sports maniac with terrible gambling habits and has a strange, irrational obsession with everything that is NBA legend Vlade Divac. Divac will be posting his outrageous commentary on daily sports topics in "The Daily Flop" section and one day dreams of being re-born as a mediocre Eastern European NBA journeyman.