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Let’s revise the NFL Combine: Part 2, Mario Party Tug O’ War

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The NFL Combine has been often criticized for not being truly indicative of how successful a player will be in the NFL. After all, how high somebody can jump, how fast somebody can run, or how much someone can lift doesn’t give any indication into that ever so important “it” factor. It’s those “intangibles” that you just can’t measure with a 40-yard dash that often separates the good from the all-time greats. 

That’s why the NFL is doing the combine all wrong and here at the Schmozone, we are always trying to take advantage of the opportunity to be the next great innovators. It is for that reason that we have developed the Schmozone Combine in hopes that NFL teams will decided to bypass their league administered combine and gravitate towards a system that is at the pinnacle of not only evaluating the physical elements of what makes a great NFL player, but truly tests an individuals will and determination to be an all-time great.

The first official Schmozone combine event, Conquer the Shrine of the Silver Monkey, can be found here. Here’s the second event.

Event No. 2: Mario Party Tug O’ War

There is no greater test of pain tolerance than Mario Party Tug O’ War. Ask anybody who ever played this horribly designed Mario Party mini-game that plagued the palms of young children everywhere. I vividly remember having to go to the nurse to get treatment for my blisters from this game in elementary school. I probably even got sent home once. It got to the point where kids would just go to the nurse with these egregious, bleeding blisters and she would just be like, “Mario Party?”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVYvgZneQsQ

Seeing this game as the list of potential options following a Mario Party turn was like seeing your puppy get hit by a car. Basically, the goal of this game was to spin the joystick around really fast with your palm so you could pull the other player(s) into a giant abyss and in turn cause irreversible palm scarring. Fast was never fast enough. It didn’t matter whether I ended up in the Bowser suit or on the three-person team. I don’t think I ever won this f****** game. All it would result in was blisters and bleeding and lost coins and agony. I even went as far to create a Wikipedia account and edit the page for “Keratolysis exfoliativa” (peeling of the palms). This may not be the right diagnosis of Mario Party Tug O’ War palms, but it’s close enough and the page wasn’t protected.

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Mario Party really should have came with a pair of gloves just because of this s***. This wasn’t the only game that required this blister-inducing motion.The original Mario Party probably had like five or six mini-games that forced you to do this including that fishing pole game with the treasure chests, the light bulb bike game, the paddle boat game, the treasure diving scuba game. …now that I think of it, this game was pure torture. It was like they were on a quest to permanently scar the hands of millions of children. There needs to be a blister protocol in place for anybody who plays Mario Party now.

With that being said, this is the perfect event for the Schmozone combine. Just wheel in a whole bunch of TVs onto the practice field and set those N64s up. Head over to mini-game island, select Tug O’ War, and I want these draft hopefuls just spinning that joystick until you can see the bone. We’re playing best of 140. No gloves. No quit. You can’t handle it? GO HOME. The NFL isn’t for you. I don’t want a guy on my team who won’t bleed for the Game Star!

People look at my hands sometimes and ask me if I would do it again.

F*** yeah, I would do it again. Time of my life. #MarioPartyBattleWounds

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About Author

Divac is the Editor-In Chief of The Schmozone and founder of Leaveit2divac.com. He is a fantasy sports maniac with terrible gambling habits and has a strange, irrational obsession with everything that is NBA legend Vlade Divac. Divac will be posting his outrageous commentary on daily sports topics in "The Daily Flop" section and one day dreams of being re-born as a mediocre Eastern European NBA journeyman.