BUFFALO – The city of Buffalo has declared a state of emergency as it makes preparations for a potentially unmanageable population boom amid reports that recently released New York Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie will be visiting Rex Ryan and the Buffalo Bills.
11-year veteran cornerback Antonio Cromartie, who is well known for his abundance of children and difficulty naming all of them, is expected to meet with his former head coach to discuss the possibility of resuming his playing career in Buffalo in 2016. This has left Buffalo city officials scrambling as they try to prepare for what could be the city’s largest population boom since 1843. The population of Buffalo more than doubled from 1840 to 1850 after the world’s first steam-powered grain elevator was constructed by local merchant Joseph Dart.
In preparation for Cromartie’s arrival, city officials have mandated that all hospital staffers work overtime until further notice and instituted a city-wide curfew for all citizens until “the free agency period has ended.” City officials have also begun urging citizens to “stop watering their plants and grass” in order to conserve more water in the case that the Cromartie population boom is “too overwhelming to manage.” In addition, citizens have been ordered to wear medical facemasks upon the release of the curfew in the event that Cromartie’s super sperm can be transmitted airborne.
One city official spoke with the media Monday morning to discuss the potential for a “Cromartie Boomer” epidemic.
“The city of Buffalo is well aware of Antonio Cromartie’s expected arrival and extra precaution is being taken. Logically, a population boom shouldn’t be expected for another nine to ten months at least. However, we aren’t ruling out the possibility that this Cromartie boom could happen within hours or — God help us — maybe even within minutes upon his arrival as scientific advances in birth control obviously don’t apply to Cromartie and his vasectomy-immune penis.”
The city official was then asked multiple questions by reporters regarding the use of contraception and quickly grew frustrated.
“Contraception? We’re sitting here, and Antonio Cromartie’s coming to town, and we’re in here talking about contraception? I mean, listen, we’re talking about contraception. Not abstinence, not abstinence, not abstinence, we’re talking about contraception. I mean, how silly is that?”
While the city of Buffalo is obviously concerned over Cromartie’s arrival, many Buffalonians are disappointed with how the city is handling the situation. Hundreds gathered in protest of the city-wide curfew and are skeptical of the city’s extra precautions being taken as many don’t understand “how a population boom could occur if Antonio Cromartie isn’t a stork.”
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