The NFL Combine has been often criticized for not being truly indicative of how successful a player will be in the NFL. After all, how high somebody can jump, how fast somebody can run, or how much someone can lift doesn’t give any indication into that ever so important “it” factor. It’s those “intangibles” that you just can’t measure with a 40-yard dash that often separates the good from the all-time greats.
That’s why the NFL is doing the combine all wrong and here at the Schmozone, we are always trying to take advantage of the opportunity to be the next great innovators. It is for that reason that we have developed the Schmozone Combine in hopes that NFL teams will decided to bypass their league administered combine and gravitate towards a system that is at the pinnacle of not only evaluating the physical elements of what makes a great NFL player, but truly tests an individuals will and determination to be an all-time great.
Event No. 1: Conquer the Shrine of the Silver Monkey
This is the ultimate test of courage, determination, and poise under pressure. I contest that there is nothing more difficult in the whole entire world than conquering the Shrine of the Silver Monkey on the classic ’90s Nickelodeon game show Legends of the Hidden Temple which just happens to be the greatest TV show in the history of television (some things are debatable, but this isn’t). Seriously though, assembling this Da Vinci’s Code is the perfect barometer of true success in the National Football League.
You’re on the clock and on TV while wearing a helmet, pads, and colorful team logo. …and you want to talk about pressure? Forget two-minute drills and potentially sudden death overtimes. Pressure is getting a week’s supply of Nesquik instead of a trip to Space Camp if you can’t retrieve the “Lost Hornpipe of Captain Cook” within the allotted three minutes. Oh yeah, and you have to do all of this after you just had to sit through a room-by-room temple dissertation by Olmec and while legendary game show host Kirk Fogg is screaming at you from down below something like, “Oh no, the base goes the other way!” Oh wait, and — depending on how you did in the previous rounds — you have a limited number of pendants of life to give to the temple guard that is probably going to jump out from that menacing door in the background and scare the s*** out of you. You have to deal with all of this s*** and you HAVEN’T EVEN GONE THROUGH PUBERTY YET! THAT’S F******* PRESSURE!
There’s even a nearly five-minute video dedicated to how impossible this is!
Is there a five minute video dedicated to how hard the Wonderlic test is? No, there is not. Skip to 2:55. As Kirk Fogg describes it, “That girl’s a gymnast! She’s got moves! She wants to be in the Olympics!” What happens? She drops the body over the railing! That’s a world-class athlete failing miserably to assemble the Silver Monkey. It’s fair to question whether the Raiders would have drafted JaMarcus Russell after witnessing him lollygag his way retrieving all the monkey pieces or if the Chargers ever would have taken a chance on Ryan Leaf had they seen him try to fit the monkey body into the base.
I want this to become the new 40-yard dash so instead of people asking, “Did you see [fill-in-the-blank’s] 40 time?,” they’ll be asking “Did you see Jared Goff’s Silver Monkey Time?” He had a 13.34 monkey!
Look, all I’m saying is that there’s no chance in hell that I’m drafting a quarterback until I see him assemble the Silver Monkey in under 15 seconds. I think that’s fair.