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Commissioner’s Take: The five worst Super Bowl commercials of 2016

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Now that we are a few days removed from the Super Bowl game itself and people have started to stop talking about Cam Newton’s post-game press conference, can we talk about how terrible the commercials were in the Super Bowl this year? Instead of eliciting laughter and happiness, the 2016 Super Bowl commercials invoked thoughts of bowel disease, when your parents may have conceived you, and what the quickest way to kill something that looks like this would be if it ever entered your home. Here’s a breakdown of the five weirdest/worst commercials from Sunday (in no particular order):
#1 – Xifaxan: The Walking Intestine with Irritable Bowel Syndrome

There’s nothing quite like watching the personified version of your colon on TV — desperate to take a shit — while the real you has been downing chicken wings, pizza, and beer for the last two hours, torturing your colon in the process. There are a couple of things that are inherently wrong with the commercial. First, the team that the colon was cheering for at the beginning of the commercial was definitely different than the team towards the end of the commercial. I don’t know about you, but there’s no way that my intestines would double-dip with their football teams. If my small intestine wants to be a 49ers fan and my large intestine a Bills fan, that’s fine, but they can’t have both. Also, no stadiums have gender-neutral bathrooms like the ones they display in this commercial. Girls — you can be very thankful for that.
#2 – Super Bowl Babies: The sad realization that you may be a mistake as a result of post-Super Bowl, drunk sex

At first, I thought this commercial was kind of cute. But luckily, I was born in April and my Chicago Bears haven’t won the Super Bowl since a few years before my birth. Some of you weren’t so lucky. While the majority of viewers were in the clear, there must have been a lot of Scorpios out there doing some unwanted math in their heads. I’ve always liked math, but any equation that leads to a visual of your parents doing it fresh off the high of a Super Bowl win is not the kind of math that I want to be doing. As an aside, they should do a study of how these Super Bowl babies turn out compared to babies that were the result of a Super Bowl loss. Maybe that would explain why the high school graduation rates in Buffalo from 2009-2012 hovered around 50%. That can be next year’s commercial.
#3 – PuppyMonkeyBaby: That thing that has been giving you nightmares for the last three nights

Seriously, what the hell. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall during that marketing meeting at PepsiCo when they brainstormed this idea. You take three “good” things in Mountain Dew, Caffeine and Juice and then you associate them with three other “good” things in puppies, monkeys, and babies…I get that part…sort of. So instead of maybe doing a commercial where there is a baby, a monkey, and a pug playing in a room together, some person thought it would be a good idea to just combine all three into some sort of hybrid monster. While we’re on the topic of ‘threes’ — here are three things I know for sure: I will never buy Mountain Dew KickStarter, I will never look at pugs the same, and I will now vote for whomever has the loosest gun control viewpoints so I can buy a gun and shoot something like that if it ever walked into my apartment.
#4 – Quicken Loans: We’ve made getting a mortgage as easy as streaming music on your phone and we are confident that this is a good thing

Because when has making the process of buying a loan on a home as easy as possible ever come back to haunt us, am I right? Imagine they sneaked this commercial in right after the closing scene of The Big Short? Would you think that it was a joke? Well America, we’ve done it again. Instead of learning from mistakes of the past, we’ve made the mistakes much easier to commit — all spearheaded by a company headquartered in Detroit no-less…founded by Dan f*cking Gilbert!
#5 – Squarespace…
What’s that? You didn’t remember the Squarespace commercial? You don’t even know what Squarespace is? That’s OK. Neither does anybody else.
And that’s the commissioner’s take.
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About Author

Tech start-up analyst by day, sports enthusiast by night. Commissioner Gordon uses his undying love of sports and cutting edge predictive analytic tools to gain a competitive edge on absolutely no one. Living his life in a perpetual state of sarcasm -- Commissioner Gordon is tall, handsome, and struggles to communicate with average-to-short sized individuals when in a large crowd.