Ladies and gentlemen welcome to The Informer’s Super Bowl 50 Mailbag. As always, almost all of the questions used today were asked by real people.
Q: What is your favorite drinking game to play during the Super Bowl?
— Ray, Wayne, NE
The Informer only got to play this game twice, but it was called “Straight Chugging Alcohol Homey”.
Here are the rules:
- Every time Randy Moss is shown on TV you take a drink.
- Every time Randy Moss catches a pass you chug a beer.
- Every time Randy Moss catches a touchdown pass you shotgun a beer.
- Every time someone says the words “Randy Moss” you take a Jagerbomb.
- Every time Randy Moss catches the “would be” game winning touchdown pass you must first chug two beers and then streak around the house yelling “Ursula, I’m naked.”
- If Randy Moss loses the Super Bowl because Ellis Hobbs is a f****** moron and forgot to cover Plaxico Burress you must drink straight vodka while listening to sad country songs in the dark and crying.
- If Randy Moss loses the Super Bowl because Colin Kaepernick did not see Moss streaking down the middle of the field wide open for the go-ahead touchdown in a game that Randy’s team lost by four points; you must drink straight tequila while listening to sad country songs in the dark and crying.
Needless to say, The Informer has a limited recollection of actually watching Randy Moss play in the Super Bowl.
Q: Who do you think Al Jazeera is picking to win the Super Bowl?
— Joey, Chicago
What in the blue hells is an Al Jazeera? Is that something The Informer needs to go to the free clinic to get rid of?
Q: When is Dan Marino going to become the first player/coach in the NFL to win the Super Bowl?
— Vern, Twitter
The Informer apologizes for including this asinine question. But as it turns out, The Informer has a lot of drunk friends on Twitter who have an irrational love for Dan “the gonorrhea man” Marino so this questions had to be used.
Q: Since we are talking about irrational fans: Have you finally forgiven Ellis Hobbs for costing Randy Moss his ring?
— John, Treynor, Ia
The short answer is no.
The longer answer is . . . “The Informer f****** hates that motherless mother f**** Ellis Hobbs. The dude had one freaking job –not to leave Burress wide open in the end zone. Seriously, how f****** hard is that? You know what? Ellis ******* Hobbs should get gonorrhea and rot in hell with Dan Marino.”
Q: What is the best halftime performance in Super Bowl history?
— Baxter, Monroe, Ne
Michael Jackson’s performance during the 1993 Super Bowl was freaking phenomenal and set the bar for any and all halftime shows since. So that has to be number one. Of course, coming in a close second, was the time Michael’s sister almost ruined society by showing her pierced nipple.
Q: Who is the best team to ever win the Super Bowl?
— R. Lewis, Columbus, Ne
The 1989-90 San Francisco 49ers are the single greatest football team to ever win the Super Bowl. Also, just so we are all on the same page, this answer is not debatable.
Q: Do you think that the P.O.S. commissioner Roger Goodell is going to turn into Vince McMahon and pull out all the stops so Peyton Manning can finish his career on top?
— Craig, Lincoln, Ne
Did Ray Lewis drink a gallon of deer semen before Super Bowl XLVII? Does Tom Brady like playing with deflated balls? Do the Seattle HGHawks have the greatest HGH dealer (allegedly) in the history of professional football?
To put it in layman’s terms; of course the NFL is going to do everything in their power to try and make Manning go out on top. You don’t actually think they want Cam Newton and his “dancing” to be the new face of the NFL, do you?
Q: Since you brought it up Mr. Informer, what do you think about Cam Newton’s dancing? And remember, if you say you don’t like it that makes you a racist.
— Harry Stamper, Parts Unknown
Honestly, The Informer couldn’t give two sh*ts that Cam Newton celebrates by “dabbing” after a big play. Just like The Informer does not care that Aaron Rodgers does the “discount double check” after a big play; or how Tom Brady head butts his teammates after a score.
As the age old saying goes: “If you don’t want the dude to dance, then stop him from doing dance worthy things.”
Q: But Informer, why can’t Cam be more like the great Peyton Manning? Doesn’t he realize all his laughing, dancing and selfie taking is going to ruin the great sport of football?
— The 24-7 First Take Media
Ruin football? That is being a little over dramatic, don’t you think? Besides, do you really want Cam Newton to be more like this guy?
Q: What is your favorite Super Bowl of all-time?
— Jamie, Wayne, Ne
Remember the question says “my favorite” not the overall best game. And for The Informer, “my favorite” Super Bowl ever was Super Bowl XXIV. For those that don’t remember, that was the game where the San Francisco 49ers put a 55-10 beat down on the Denver Broncos.
Q: Hey Informer are you going to do that lame thing where you end the mailbag by having someone ask a sex question and then you say “yup these are my readers” like Bill Simmons used to do? You are such a predictable fat piece of hillbilly trash. I mean honestly, have you even seen a naked girl before? I bet you haven’t. I bet you are a 40-year old virgin who thinks the girl on Twitter with the naked photo for an avatar is actually your girlfriend. Newsflash Informer, she is a dude. Seriously man, get a life and stop being such a loser.
— Anyone who read this article
“Yup these are my readers.”