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Peyton Manning’s Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Season of Injuries

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Ladies and gentlemen the 5x NFL MVP Peyton Manning is one day away from starting in the 2016 AFC Championship Game.

Now, while it is impressive that a man of his advanced age is able to compete at such a high level while still being the greatest quarterback of all time; the fact remains that Manning has had to overcome an unBOLIEVABLE amount of injuries/illness to get to this point.

Luckily for everyone reading today, The Informer has an anonymous source who has fed The Informer all of the injury updates on a weekly basis this season. This of course means that today we can take a stroll down memory lane and review all of the ailments the poor 5x NFL MVP has had to overcome in order to get the chance to go 3-1 against Tom Brady in AFC Championship games.

So with Manning ailments on the mind, here is the complete list of Peyton Manning’s 2015 injuries.

(Warning – –  Some of these illnesses are graphic in nature.)

  • He had Gynecomastia (aka man boobs).
  • He contracted “old whore’s disease”.
  • He was impregnated by Antonio Cromartie’s super semen.
  • He had a Ray Finkle-sized hemorrhoid.
  • He had loser denial thanks to a parking cone and the Lacrosse team.
  • He had Galactorrhea ( where milk leaks from his nipples).
  • His non-lacerated kidney was stolen and then sold to Andrew Luck on the black market.
  • He had gout.
  • He is paralyzed on the left side of his body from the hips down on days that end in the letters “Y”.
  • He was born without the “X” Chromosome.
  • He had Montezuma’s revenge.
  • He suffers from the gum disease GINGIVITIS
  • Speaking of cartoon references, he also fell ill with the disease known only as GINGERVITIS!!!
  • His right foot was amputated because of type 2 adult onset diabetes.
  • He had the East AND West Nile virus.
  • He had anal glaucoma.
  • He ate bad chicken parm.
  • He lost his right testicle reenacting Leo DiCaprio’s “bear fight” scene from the movie, The Revenant.
  • He had to stop taking boner pills because of nitrates in his chest.
  • His parents still love Eli more than him.
  • He had herpes complex of the mouth and left ear.
  • He had Triskaidekaphobia (aka fear of the number 13).
  • His dog is dead.
  • So is his Goldfish.
  • He had to cut his right arm off and surgically replace it with a swimming pool noodle.
  • He contracted Jenny Gump disease.
  • He is really, really old.
  • He has planter’s facilities.
  • Five year’s ago, he had four neck surgeries.
  • He probably broke his back in a motorcycle accident.
  • He had genital warts of the throat (this can happen people).
  • He had blue skin disorder.
  • He still does not know how to Nae Nae.
  • And finally . . . He physically died five months ago.

The Informer can’t speak for all of you, but looking at these injuries The Informer honestly can’t believe Peyton Manning is still such a great laser-rocket-armed gunslinger who can lead his team to a Super Bowl.

I mean, hell, anyone else would probably have given up after dying five months ago.

Not Manning.

The dude actually came back stronger and better than ever and is now just two games away from winning the second Super Bowl in his illustrious career.

Manning’s resolve and utter disregard for any injury that comes his way is the reason why he is, was, and always will be the 5x NFL MVP.

#LongLiveTheLaserRocketArm 

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Since 2003 The Informer has written for newspapers, websites and blogs with one goal in mind: Write a funny and informative sports article unlike anything that has been written before.