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The Informer’s 2016 NFL playoffs picks: Divisional round

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Informer’s 2016 NFL playoffs picks for the divisional round. The Informer has five rules for this weekend:

5.  Never bet on a team whose starting QB has a separated throwing shoulder, especially if said team’s star wide receiver is also not going to play because he was nearly murdered by the Cincinnati Bengals a week before. 

4.  Never bet against Aaron Rodgers when he is getting 7.5 points.

3. Liquor before beer you are in the clear; however beer before liquor you will never be sicker.

2. Always bet the team with the better HGH dealer (allegedly).

And the number one rule for betting this weekend’s games . . .

1. There is no way on Tebow’s green earth that Andy Reid and Alex Smith are going to beat Tom Brady and “The Black Eyed Pea” Bill Belichick in a playoff game.

Now that we are all clear on the rules: How about we crack open the Natties and get to this week’s picks? As always, please remember to gamble with reckless abandon.

Kansas City Chiefs @ New England Patriots (-5.5)

Here is a list of NFL Playoff records currently held by the great Tom Brady:

  • Most Touchdown passes (53) and passing yards (7,345).
  • Highest winning percentage of any QB to start at least 15 playoff games (.724).
  • Most wins (21), passing attempts (1,085), and completions (683).
  • Saturday will be his NFL record 30th playoff start.
  • He has the most Super Bowl appearances (6) and his four Super Bowl victories are tied with Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw for the most in NFL history.
  • He has played in an NFL record nine AFC Championship Games.
  • In the 2007 Divisional Round, Brady completed an NFL record 92.9% of his passes.
  • And finally, in the 2015 NFL Playoffs he became first QB ever to throw four touchdown passes in a single game while playing with deflated footballs. 

On the flip side; here is a list of playoff records the great Alex Smith holds:

This is not rocket Scientology folks. On Saturday, the New England Patriots and the great Tommy Brady are the Lion King Lock of the Week.

Pick: Pats LKLOTW (-5.5)

Green Bay Packers @ Arizona Cardinals (-7.5)

Rule #3 of The Informer’s Playoff Gambling Manifesto clearly states you never bet against Aaron Rodgers when he is getting 7.5 points. Therefore The Informer — despite thinking Arizona is going to win the game — will be betting the Packers and taking the 7.5 points. 

 Cards win outright, but the Packers cover the point spread. 

Pick: Packers (+7.5) 

Seattle HGHawks @ Carolina Panthers (-2.5)

Here are five reasons why The Informer is taking the HGHawks over the best team (record wise) from the 2015 NFL Season.

5. It is really hard to beat Seattle twice in the same season. In fact, since Russell Wilson joined the HGHawks, they are 5-1 in revenge games (they lost to the Rams twice this season else they would be undefeated in Wilson’s career in revenge games).

4. Seattle obviously has the better HGH dealer (allegedly).

3. In the words of the great Ric Flair, “To be the man, you have to beat the man.”

Well . .  Make no mistake about it; the 2X defending NFC Champions are still the man and until someone proves otherwise The Informer can’t justify betting against them.

2. The last three NFL teams to finish the season 15-1(98 Vikings, 04 Steelers and 2011 Packers) did not reach the Super Bowl. So if past history has taught us anything, it is the “Blue Tigers” are destined to lose a heartbreaking home playoff game this season. 

1. Speaking of destiny . . . After last week it is pretty obvious the football “Tebow’s” are rooting for Seattle; which means The Informer has no choice but to grab the points and ride the road HGHawks for the second week in a row.

Pick: Seattle (+2.5)

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Denver Broncos (-7.5)

According to a very reliable, unknown source here are the ailments currently afflicting the 5X NFL MVP Peyton Manning:

  • He has Planter’s foot (which is an injury from too much gardening I think).
  • He bought his laser rocket right arm from Noodles & Company.
  • For the past two weeks that “Window’s to the Wall” song has been stuck in his head.
  • He is paralyzed from the elbows to the coccyx.
  • He has Gynecomastia (also known as man boobs).
  • Somehow, despite it being physically and scientifically impossible, he was impregnated by Antonio Cromartie.
  • His seeing eye dog has glock coma in both eyes.
  • And finally he was recently diagnosed with “old whore’s disease” (According to the fictional TV show Hell on Wheels, this is a real thing).

Despite all of these injuries, The Informer absolutely loves Manning and the Donkeys this weekend over the Antonio Brown-less and possibly Ben RoethlisBaconCheeseberger-less Pittsburgh Steelers.

In the end, The Informer is predicting an easy Donkey’s win which will set up one last epic Brady-Manning AFC Championship Game showdown.

Pick: Donkeys (-7.5)

Have a great weekend all. May it be filled with Natty Lights, winning parlays and all the free Blimpies a person can buy with their “Tom Brady over Alex Smith” gambling winnings.

Now DJ, will you please hit Lil Jon’s music?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYH7_GzP4Tg

THE INFORMER’S 2015-16 NFL Picks RECORD: 126-112-6
The Lion King Lock of the Week: 11-7 (1-1 Last Week)
The 1st Half Under in Primetime: 36-15-1 (1-0 Last Week)
2016 Playoff Picks Against the Spread: 2-2
2016 Playoff Picks Straight Up: 4-0

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About Author

Since 2003 The Informer has written for newspapers, websites and blogs with one goal in mind: Write a funny and informative sports article unlike anything that has been written before.