On to the NFC East in the continuing series that is “If they weren’t NFL head coaches.” First up, Tom Coughlin:
Tom Coughlin, New York Giants – Mall Santa
Tom Coughlin is by far the most Mall Santa out of anybody in the NFL. Those rosy cheeks. Constant grouchiness. Frequent confusion in his old age. Couldn’t you just imagine Santa Coughlin scolding children for taking too long to walk up from the line to sit on his lap? 15 minutes into his shift, he just stands up and yells, “Listen, kids. If you’re not five minutes early, then you’re late! All of you are getting Rueben Randle jerseys for Christmas!”
Chip Kelly, Philadelphia Eagles – Electrician
Chip Kelly is that electrician who shows up to your house and convinces you that you need your entire house re-wired when in actuality all you need is to have a light bulb replaced or something. He’ll bring his own team of guys in and just start going to work on your house’s electrical system that is completely fine, but he’s convinced that he can make it better with his own, unique methods. It seems like a great idea and that he knows exactly what he’s doing, but in the end he just f*cks everything up. Eight weeks later, your house completely burns down due to faulty wiring.
Jason Garrett, Dallas Cowboys – Stay-At-Home Dad
Jason Garrett is that stay-at-home dad that will literally do whatever his kids want. He’ll take his kids to the grocery store and they’ll be playing catch with cantaloupes or something. He’s just a complete pushover, a professional yes-man. He takes the kids to school, picks up dry-cleaning, makes eye doctor appointments, shops at Target for toiletries, chaperons school field trips, is head of the PTO, carries around a first-aid kit just in case one of his kids breaks his clavicle. …all the typical stay-at-home dad sh*t. Jason Garrett would be honored to take you to get ice cream. He would just love to do that. Lives for that even. God bless, Stay-At-Home Garrett.
Jay Gruden, Washington Redskins – Golf Pro Shop Employee
Just look at Jay Gruden. Is this guy not the guy helping you pick out which putter you want and telling you about metal-alloy driver heads? You are required to work at a golf pro shop if you dress like this. Overweight, charismatic, pleasant demeanor…..Jay Gruden exemplifies the typical employee at a golf pro shop. Jay Gruden’s the type of golf pro who used to be real serious about his game back in his younger days, but now would just rather get hammered every round and yuck it up with his brother Jon about dog legs, water hazards, and Spider Y 2 Bananas.
Stay tuned for more “If they weren’t NFL head coaches!”
Next up: AFC South