It’s now Week 15 which means we shouldn’t be witnessing sh*tty teams competing for playoff spots, but it’s the 2015 NFL season which has been an incredibly sh*tty season for two extremely sh*tty conferences, the NFC East and the AFC South.
Like seriously, what would happen if the Texans and Redskins or Eagles and Jaguars met in the Super Bowl? I mean, it’s possible! Would the world just explode? Would Roger Goodell just like scratch it and put two different teams in? What would happen?
Now in all likelihood for this to happen, the rest of the starters on the other NFL playoff teams would probably need to get like the Ebola virus or something. The reality of the situation though is that there is a strong chance that either the Eagles or Redskins and Texans or Jaguars win their division. The Colts are not winning the AFC South if Andrew Luck does not return. They just lost 51-16 to the Jaguars! They are not winning that division without him. And now Matt Hasselbeck has succumbed to his old age so we may be looking at one of the great renaissance men of our generation, the “Clipboard Jesus” Charlie Whitehurst, quarterbacking the Indianapolis Colts. As great as this is for all of humanity, this is not a good thing for the Indianapolis Colts.
Next week the 6-7 Colts will take on the 6-7 Texans for first place in the AFC South. Do you know what this means? In Week 15 of the NFL season, we may be witnessing a Clipboard Jesus vs. T.J. Yates battle for 1st place in the AFC South! Literally, one of these quarterbacks may put their team in prime position for a playoff berth next week. Let’s not forget about the 5-8 Jaguars though who get the Texans in Week 17 and have very winnable games against the Falcons and Saints the next two weeks. The AFC South is f*cked up.
The NFC East will see your sh*ttness though and raise you, AFC South, because all four of their sh*tty teams can make the playoffs! Even the Matt Casselboys who have four wins can! If the Giants beat the garbage Dolphins tonight, then we’ll have a three-way tie for first place in the NFC East with the 6-7 Redskins who just won their first road game of the season and the 6-7 Eagles who let up like 85 points to the Detroit Lions on Thanksgiving.
So what would be the worst Super Bowl combination possible? I think a Kirk “You Like That” Cousins v. Brian Hoyer/T.J. Yates Super Bowl would be pretty damn horrific. However, the Texans at least have J.J. Watt though and even won a game with T.J. Yates as quarterback in the 2011 playoffs over the Bengals. As for the Redskins, they aren’t all too terrible. Like you could make more than a case for them as one of the top six teams in the NFC. Only the Seahawks, Packers, Panthers, and Cardinals are teams you would say are for sure better than the Redskins in the NFC. It’s just really easy to hate on the Redskins for all the RG3 sh*t that went on and the continued racial insensitivity regarding their team name (and their complete ignorance to it). And Dan Snyder. F*ck Dan Snyder.
The Eagles-Jaguars would undoubtedly be the worst Super Bowl to ever grace this earth. First of all, you would have a guy named Chip and a guy named Gus coaching against each other in the Super Bowl. That right there should be enough to seal the deal. You also can’t forget that Sam Bradford’s “it’s time to get hurt again” alarm clock is set to go off any week now which means there’s always the potential for Mark Sanchez playoff football at any given moment. Third, and maybe most importantly, these two franchises are just bastions of football incompetence.
Neither has won a Super Bowl and neither can play any semblance of defense. The Eagles lost by a combined 59 points to the Lions and Buccaneers in BACK-TO-BACK WEEKS! The fact that you can do that and still make the playoffs in Week 15 is astounding. It literally shouldn’t be allowed. You should receive four losses for that. The Eagles should be 6-9 right now. Chip Kelly’s run n’ gun offense that was supposed to revolutionize the way offense was played in the NFL has been about as effective as the Wildcat and Kelly has somehow turned last season’s leading rusher, DeMarco Murray, into a fourth-string running back.
As for the Jaguars, their owner looks like the guy on the Pringles can, the NFL is doing everything they can to re-locate them to a different country, they didn’t get their third win of the season until Week 10 (and it was a game they won over the Ravens on a blown call), and they once decided to unsuccessfully run the ball four straight times from the one-yard line with Toby Gerhart. Oh yeah, and before beating the Colts, the Jags were coming off two straight losses to the Titans and Chargers in which they let up a combined 73 points to teams that routinely fail to crack 20. More important than any of that though is that the Jacksonville Jaguars are the Jacksonville Jaguars.
I’m going to answer my own question from earlier…..the world would explode if the Jaguars and Eagles met in the Super Bowl.