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The Informer’s 2015 NFL Picks: Week 14

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According to the website nflpickwatch.com, The Informer is now officially the second best writer in the world when it comes to picking NFL games thanks to a disastrous 7-9 Week 13.

Now, since The Informer was complete and utter garbage last weekend; there will be no opening rants today. Because, as The Informer’s editor pointed out in our meeting this morning, opening rants are for closer’s only and The Informer is no longer a closer. He is a bald overweight hillbilly who deserves to die of gonorrhea and rot in hell with Dan Marino after costing the millions seven readers their hard earned money last weekend.

Luckily though, Sunday brings up a whole new opportunity; which will provide The Informer with a chance to win back the readers trust while taking back his title as “The best NFL handicapper in the world.”

So with that in mind, everyone please crack open their Natties and let’s get to Week 14 of The Informer’s 2014 NFL Picks.

MINNESOTA @ ARIZONA (-10)

Here is The Informer’s proof of pick tweet from Thursday morning . . .

#WinnerWinnerBlimpiesDinDin

Pick: Vikings (+10 WIN) & First Half Under (u23 WIN)

PITTSBURGH @ CINCINNATI (-2.5)

Did you know last week AJ “The Sickness” Green became the second player in NFL history to start his career with five straight 1,000 yard receiving seasons? Who was the only other player in NFL history to accomplish this feat you ask? That would be the one and only Randy Moss who actually started his career with seven straight 1,000 yard seasons #TheMoreYouKnow.

Pick: Bengals (-2.5)

BUFFALO @ PHILADELPHIA (PK)

Here is The Informer’s argument as to why former Philadelphia Eagle’s star wide receiver Terrell Owens should be a no doubt first ballot Hall of Famer:

Owens has the sixth most receptions in NFL history (1,078), the third most touchdown catches (153), the fifth most total touchdowns (156) and the second most yards by a wide receiver ever (15,934). Folks, that means the dude is literally top six in every single relevant category when it comes to talking about wide receivers. Furthermore, Owens is one of only four players to ever catch 15 or more touchdowns in a season on two different occasions and he owns the NFL record for most catches in a single game (21). And finally, his nine seasons with at least 1,000 yards receiving ranks him third all-time behind only Jerry Rice and Randy Moss (this means he was consistently great for a long period of time).

Honestly, there is not a sane person on Tebow’s green Earth who could actually look at those numbers and argue Owens is not a first ballot Hall of Famer. And if for some unforeseen reason the committee does elect to keep Owens out on the first ballot then every single one of those guys should be fired for incompetence and stupidity.

Pick: Eagles (PK)

ATLANTA @ CAROLINA (-9)

You would have to be a full blown alcoholic to pick the garbage Falcons over the Blue Tigers on Sunday. (The Informer note– My daughter thinks a panther looks like a blue tiger so from now on The Informer will only call them the Carolina Blue Tigers).

Pick: Garbage Falcons (+9)

SAN FRANCISCO @ CLEVELAND (-1.5)

Blaine Gabbert on the road for the second straight week and facing a drunk John Football? What could possibly go wrong?

Pick: 49ers (+1.5)

WASHINGTON @ CHICAGO (-4)

The Informer is going to rue the day he picks Kirk Cousins on the road. Rue the day I tell you.

Pick: Washington (+4)

SEATTLE @ BALTIMORE (+6.5)

Walk into the Seattle locker room and ask someone for a bottle of HGH (allegedly) and then you will know why it is called the Lion King Lock of the Week.

Pick: LKLOTW HGHawks (-6.5)

(The Informer after the pick stat of the day – There is a chance that Jimmy Clausen will start this game for the Baltimore Ravens. This of course means there is a chance that Clausen will lose for the second time to the Seattle Seahawks this season; once as the Bears QB and once as the Ravens. If Clausen can accomplish this feat he will become the first quarterback in NFL history to lose against the same team two different times in the same season while starting for two different teams #TheInformerHasNoIdeaIfThatIsTrue.)

DETROIT @ ST LOUIS (+3)

Remember when Todd Gurley was the next Chuck Norris and a lock for the Hall of Fame? Does anyone know what happened to that guy?

Pick: Rams (+3)

SAN DIEGO @ KANSAS CITY (-10.5)

Did you all see that Kardashian chick who once made a sex tape to get famous is now suing her little sister for stealing her look/gimmick?

Reading that sentence again The Informer has to ask: What in the bluest of blue hells does that even mean? Stealing your look? Is that even possible for a sibling to do? You know, considering the whole “you are going to look alike because you are sisters” thing?

In all seriousness though, reading about this “alleged” lawsuit between sisters has The Informer excited for the day when Antonio Cromartie sues Philip Rivers for stealing his “I have a ton of kids” gimmick.

As for the game, The Informer will be following the double digit NFL underdog rule and grabbing the points.

Pick: San Diego (+10.5)

NEW ORLEANS @ TAMPA BAY (-4)

Hey Herm Edwards if the Saints end up firing Sean Peyton after the season would you want to come back and be their coach?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUFgP3SnOAI

Okay then. The Informer apologizes for asking.

Pick: Tampa Bay (-4)

INDIANAPOLIS @ JACKSONVILLE (PK)

Raise your hand if you had Blake Bortles & James throwing to Allen Robinson as the breakout duo of the 2015 season? The Informer would now like to congratulate everyone with their hand raised for being a dirty rotten liar.

Pick: Jacksonville (PK)

TENNESSEE @ NEW YORK JETS (-7)

In honor of Adam’s Sandler’s new movie Ridiculous 6 (The Informer will always love the Sandman), today we are going to use some Adam Sandler movie memes to help preview what The Informer’s Sunday is going to look like.

Here is what The Informer’s wife is going to say when The Informer troubles her for a warm glass of milk after a long day of Natty Light drinking.

Warm glass of milk

This is what she will say when The Informer protests by trying to grab his 20th Natty of the day.

warm glass 2

And finally, this will be The Informer’s reaction about three hours later when he wakes up from his drunken stupor by a crazed blonde — who looks nothing like Ben Stiller — who is extremely pissed about something The Informer did while he was sleeping.

adam pee

Pick: Jets (-7)

OAKLAND @ DENVER (-7)

DALLAS @ GREEN BAY (-7)

The Informer is laying the Brock & Rodgers combo platter for the two afternoon games.

Picks: Denver (-7) & Packers (-7)

NEW ENGLAND @ HOUSTON (+3.5)

The first half under in Primetime is 31-10 on the season . . . The first half under in Primetime is 31-10 on the season . . .The first half under in Primetime is 31-10 on the season . . .The first half under in Primetime is 31-10 on the season . . .The first half under in Primetime is 31-10 on the season!!!

As for the actual game; The Informer will be following the “never bet against Tom Brady in Primetime the same week he is coming off of two straight losses and everyone is taking his MVP trophy and giving it to Cam Newton” rule.

Pick: Pats (-3.5) & 1st Half Under (u23)

NEW YORK GIANTS @ MIAMI (+1)

The first half under in Primetime is 31-10 on the season . . .The first half under in Primetime is 31-10 on the season . . . The first half under in Primetime is 31-10 on the season . . .The first half under in Primetime is 31-10 on the season . . . The first half under in Primetime is 31-10 on the season!!!

Any questions?

Pick: Dolphins (+1) & 1st Half Under (u24)

That is a wrap folks. Have a great Week 14. May it be filled with winning parlays, successful teasers, tons of Natty Light and of course all of the Blimpies that first half under in Primetime winnings can buy.

THE INFORMER’S 2015 PICKS RECORD:103-84-6 (Including TNF)

The Lion King Lock of the Week: 8-6

The First Half Under in Primetime: 31-10 (Including TNF)

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Since 2003 The Informer has written for newspapers, websites and blogs with one goal in mind: Write a funny and informative sports article unlike anything that has been written before.