Divac’s Fantasy Hit List, a list of the most infuriating players to own in fantasy football. Good luck winning with these clowns.
Player: Cairo Santos
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Violation: Doing things that I can’t even comprehend
I hate kickers. I’ve been calling for their banishment from fantasy football for years. I refuse to play FanDuel and only play DraftKings (which I’m now retired from) because FanDuel makes you take a kicker. I will not lose 1 million dollars because Caleb Sturgis can’t make an extra point. It won’t happen. I’d jump into a freezing lake if that were to happen. I will lose my money on my own terms, thank you very much.
I’m still at a loss though for why traditional fantasy football leagues still include the kicker position. Because they score points sometimes? Is that why? Has anybody going into their fantasy league ever said, “You know, I’m sure glad we have to draft a kicker this season. It really enhances my experience playing fantasy football.” Fantasy football is very, very random. Let’s get that out of the way right now. Anybody who claims to be an “expert” is lying to you. Oh, you predicted Bilal Powell to be a top five running back in Week 13? Did you now? Good work, Matthew Berry.
You know what even makes fantasy football more random? Kickers.
Cairo Santos. My friend. My buddy. Your football team, the Kansas City Chiefs — the team that you kick field goals and extra points for — put up 34 points against the Raiders in Week 13. Oh, well you must have had quite a day. Two field goals, four extra points….that would make perfect sense. Seems like you had a perfectly respectable day for a kicker, no complaints he….what’s this? You didn’t? Oh, you had ZERO points. So you’re telling me I would have been just as well off being permanently hammered the entire week and completely forgetting to start a kicker than starting a kicker whose team scored 34 points? Is that what you’re telling me, Cairo?
HOW DOES THIS EVEN HAPPEN?! I challenge ANYONE in the entire UNIVERSE to find me a game in which a team scored that many points and their starting kicker — who did not get injured — put up ZERO fantasy points. You had one f*cking job, Cairo. ONE JOB! Do you just wake up every morning and immediately sh*t yourself? Like is that how you start your days? That’s the only explanation I have for this, but there’s apparently a real explanation that doesn’t involve that. Let’s recap the actual events that transpired:
- Chiefs-Raiders: 7-7 (XP is good, +1 for Santos)
- Chiefs-Raiders 14-14 (XP is good, +1 Santos….we’re on a hot streak)
- Chiefs-Raiders 20-20 (Chiefs go for two and fail….have no idea why this happened, Andy Reid logic I suppose)
- Chiefs-Raiders 26-20 (XP is no good, -2 for Santos)
- Chiefs-Raiders 34-20 (Two-point conversion is successful)
So there you go. F*ck kickers. F*ck them sideways. Banish them to Tahiti.