content

The Informer’s 2015 NFL Picks: Week 13

0

The Informer was going to start today by once again saying everyone in the Universe should be reading this article because according to the website NFLpickwatch.com, The Informer’s 96-75-6 record against the spread is hands down the best on the internet. Furthermore, The Informer was going to explain how the first half under in Primetime is 29-8 on the year; which technically means The Informer’s actual record for this article is 125-83-6 on the season. Finally, The Informer was going to talk about his momentum heading into Week 13 thanks to a strong ten win Week 12. 

But alas . . . We are not going to talk about any of that today. Instead, The Informer is going to tell you about the last three wagers he placed; the Baltimore Ravens (PK) on Monday Night Football and the first half under 23 (finished at 17 despite it being 17-0 after the 1st quarter) & Green Bay (-3) on Thursday Night Football.

Do you all see why this is important? It is not because The Informer won these wagers, it is how he won. With three straight miracle covers that had absolutely no business winning. 

And that folks is exactly why everyone should be reading The Informer. Not because his picks are the absolute best in the world (although that is a nice added bonus), but because it is fairly obvious after the past four days that the divine man upstairs — also known as J.C. and Tim Tebow’s father — is a huge Informer fan who happens to love the first half unders in Primetime.

And on that highly blasphemous note: How about we crack open the Natties and get to The Informer’s Week 13 NFL Picks?

(The Informer disclaimer – Unless you live in Nevada these picks are to be used for recreational purposes only. Also, in no way does The Informer condone things like illegal parlays, daily fantasy sports, Caribbean websites or making wagers with guys named “Tommy Two Fingers”. Those things are not only immoral, but they are against the law. As long as we all understand that we may continue. Please enjoy.)

GREEN BAY @ DETROIT (+3)

Here is The Informer’s proof of pick tweet from Thursday morning.

#WinnerWinnerBlimpiesDinner #Better2BeLuckyThanGood

Pick: Packers (-3 WIN) & First Half Under (23 WIN)

SAN FRANCISCO @ CHICAGO (-7)

The Informer would have to be Jay Cutler wasted to bet Blaine Gabbert on the road against the rejuvenated Chicago Bears.

“Informer aren’t you always Jay Cutler wasted on Friday mornings?”

Good point. But still,  The Informer is not going to bet Blaine Gabbert on the road in the Windy City against a drunk Jay Cutler.

Pick: Bears (-7)

CLEVELAND @ CINCINNATI (-9.5)

The Informer thinks this game is exactly like what would happen if Batman ever faced off against Super Man in a mano-y-mano wrestling match.

Only nothing like that at all.

Sorry, The Informer had to use this bad analogy because he wanted to link the super awesome Batman vs. Superman trailers that are currently on the YouTube. So hopefully you will enjoy the links better than the pick analysis.

#TheInformerIsTeamBatman

Pick: Bengals (-9.5)

JACKSONVILLE @ TENNESSEE (-2.5)

BALTIMORE @ MIAMI (-4)

ATLANTA @ TAMPA BAY ((-1.5)

BOLIEVE it or not, but we have actual footage of The Informer’s reaction when he found out he would have to wager on these three dumpster fire games. . .

(Warning: This video contains adult naughty words that are not suitable for women, children, men over the age of 40 or stress-relief dogs. It is also not safe for work, funeral homes, illegal Asian massage parlors, any church that starts with the word Saint, bingo halls, HIV or Adult Onset Diabetes’s benefits, the dentist office, your local Blimpies sub shop, Ivy league schools or hair salons.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MflwMfUJIQo

Pick: Jags (+2.5) Miami (-4) Atlanta (+1.5)

HOUSTON @ BUFFALO  (-3.5)

The Informer swears to Tim Tebow that if the gosh damn media starts the “J.J. Watt for MVP bullsh*t” after the Texans win on Sunday there will be a riot. You all have been warned.

Pick: Texans (+3.5)

SEATTLE HGHAWKS @ MINNESOTA (PK)

Speaking of MVP’s; The Informer’s new MVP dark horse is the man who cancels Christmas every year for 31 NFL cities.

Listen, The Informer fully understands that Tom Brady is the front runner right now, but if AP goes on a late season tear while carrying the Vikings to their first NFC North title since 2009; then his name is going to be in the conversation.

Pick: Vikings (PK)

CAROLINA @ NEW ORLEANS (+7)

Normally, The Informer would be scared away by the fact that 80% of the public is backing Cam Newton and the Panthers. But as we just mentioned above; The Informer has the whole “divine intervention” thing working in his favor so the normal rules of gambling no longer apply. Which means The Informer can confidently make the 10-1 against the spread Panthers his Lion King Lock of the Week with no fear of gambling repercussions. 

Pick: LKLOTW Panthers (-7)

ARIZONA @ ST LOUIS (+5.5)

Reasons to bet Arizona on Sunday: St. Louis already embarrassed the Cards once this season (makes this a revenge game); Arizona is playing for playoff positioning (there will be no letdown); they have the better coach; and the Rams are complete and utter garbage.

Pick: Cards (-5.5)

JETS @ GIANTS (+2.5)

The Informer has always said whenever you can bet a road favorite playing in their home stadium against a team that can’t even win the NFC East –you have to lay the points.

Pick: Jets (-2.5)

DENVER @ SAN DIEGO (+4)

So Brock Osweiler is coming off of the biggest victory of his young career and now he is a favorite in his first road game against a team the Donkeys’ have historically had trouble beating? Yea . . . The Informer will be grabbing the points in this one.

Pick: Chargers (+4)

KANSAS CITY @ OAKLAND (+3)

Who let the home underdogs out . . . WHO!!! . . .WHO!!!

To answer the next question: It takes The Informer about 13 Natties before he gets the urge to start singing the Baha Boys while writing his NFL picks article.

Pick: Raiders (+3)

PHILADELPHIA @ NEW ENGLAND (-9.5)

Do you remember the Family Guy episode when Stewie is talking about “ladies of the night (also called prostitutes or escorts depending on what part of the world you live in) and he says, “at this point is there any tread left on the tires, or is it like throwing a hot dog down the hallway?”

That is how The Informer feels about this game.

“Informer what in the bluest of blue hell does that even mean?”

You know . . . That it is going to be an “easy” cover in which the Patriots barely feel anything. Was that not clear? The Informer could probably go into more detail explaining the whole hot dog down the hallway thingy if need be?

Oh second thought, maybe we should move on before The Informer gets fired/divorced?

Pick: Pats (-9.5)

INDIANAPOLIS @ PITTSBURGH (-7)

The first half under is 29-9 in Primetime . . . The first half under is 29-9 in Primetime . . . The first half under is 29-9 in Primetime . . . The first half under is 29-9 in Primetime . . . The first half under is 29-9 in Primetime!!!

Are we all clear?

Pick: Steelers (-7) & 1st half under (24)

DALLAS @ WASHINGTON (-4.5)

The first half under is 29-9 in Primetime . . . The first half under is 29-9 in Primetime . . . The first half under is 29-9 in Primetime . . . The first half under is 29-9 in Primetime . . . The first half under is 29-9 in Primetime!!!

Are we all clear?

Pick: Dallas (+4.5) & 1st half under (21)

That is a wrap folks. As always thank you so very much for reading. May everyone’s weekend be filled with miracle covers, winning parlays, Natty Lights, all of the Blimpies free first half under money can buy and at least one cameo from the Baha Men.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qkuu0Lwb5EM

Have a great Sunday y’all.

THE INFORMER’S 2015 PICKS RECORD:96-75-6 (Including TNF)

The Lion King Lock of the Week: 8-5

The First Half Under in Primetime: 29-9 (Including TNF)

Share.

About Author

Since 2003 The Informer has written for newspapers, websites and blogs with one goal in mind: Write a funny and informative sports article unlike anything that has been written before.