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The Informer’s 2015 NFL Picks Week 11: RIP Peyton Manning Edition

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In today’s edition of The Informer’s 2015 NFL Picks we are talking Peyton Manning ailments, The Informer’s religion, betting against Blaine Gabbert, Case Keenum and Matt “Ain’t no Hasselbeck-girl”, the first half under in Primetime, the Lion King Lock of the Week, and of course The Informer is handing out the best NFL picks on the internet (at least according to the website nflpickwatch.com).

So without any further ado; let’s crack open them Natties and get to the Week 11 picks.

As always, please keep in mind that these picks are to be used for recreational purposes only. In no way does The Informer condone the making of fake illegal wagers, off shore Caribbean Casino’s, or calling guys named “Franky” to get a quick dime on the first half under in Primetime.

TENNESSEE TITANS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (-3)

Dear Timothy H. Tebow,

The Informer would like to take a second and say thank you for the gift that is the first half under in Primetime (now 25-7 this season). Your generosity to give us such a great bet during these hard gambling times is unparalleled. You truly are the great and almighty Tebow. The Informer promises to cherish the first half under in Primetime as if it were his third born love child.

Sincerely,

The Informer

Pick: Titans (+3 LOSER) & First Half Under in Primetime (u22 WINNER)

DENVER BRONCOS @ CHICAGO BEARS (-1)

According to legit unknown sources who are not completely made up, here is a list of ailments currently afflicting the 5X NFL MVP: HE DIED FIVE MONTHS AGO!

Man, The Informer is not a rocket Scientologist, but even he knows death is an injury that is really hard to come back from #RIP5XNFLMVP.

Pick: Donkeys (+1)

ST LOUIS RAMS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS (-2)

Things that are against The Informer’s religion: Sex out of wedlock; eating Subway; saying the “F” word; getting drunk in public; worshipping false Tebow’s; being grossly overweight; condoms; the gum disease Gingivitis; Milwaukee’s Best Light; Fight Clubs; hippie lettuce; Shia LaBeouf movies; flushing the toilet; Playboy magazine before they got rid of the nude pictures; and betting Case “The Gunslinger” Keenum on the road.

Pick: Ravens (-2)

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (+3)

The Informer is riding the home-dog like Jenna Jameson rides a motorcycle.

What? Is that not the Jenna Jameson analogy you would have used?

Pick: Chargers (+3)

GREEN BAY PACKERS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-1)

Aaron Rodgers as an underdog? Let’s just say this game is definitely going to decide what type of Christmas The Informer’s kids are going to have.

Pick: Packers (+1)

TAMPA BAY @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-5.5)

If you back Mark Sanchez giving points to any NFL team then  you deserve to get kicked square in the n*ts.

Pick: Tampa (+5.5)

WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-7)

The Informer would have to be at least 13 Natties deep at 7am on a Friday morning to actually bet against Cam Newton and the red hot Carolina Panthers right now.

Pick: Washington (+7)

HOUSTON TEXANS @ NEW YORK JETS (-2)

Next.

Pick: Jets (-2)

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS @ ATLANTA FALCONS (-5.5)

The Informer can’t wait to see how fast everyone on the “Colts are actually better starting Matt Hasselbeck over Andrew Luck” bandwagon jump off when they realize the 41- year QB ain’t no “Hasselbeck-girl”.

(The Informer note – I am fully aware how horrible this pun was and how it makes absolutely no sense. With that said, at least there is now a good reason to put Gwen Stefani’s Hollaback Girl video in today’s article. So that is a plus.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kgjkth6BRRY

Pick:Falcons (-5.5)

OAKLAND RAIDERS @ DETROIT LIONS (+2)

Let me get this straight; the dumpster fire Lions are coming off of their biggest win of the year (letdown potential) and they are going against a desperate Raiders team fighting for their playoff lives? Yet this line is only two points?

Yea . . . The Informer likes his chances with this one.

Pick: Raiders (-2)

DALLAS COWBOYS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (PK)

If you are in Miami this weekend please go up to the three hottest chicks you can find and ask them if they wants to go back to your Motel 6 and watch the Lion King. Then you will know why The Informer calls it the Lion King Lock of the Week #TheyWillKeepALightOnForYou.

Pick: LKLOTW Cowboys (PK)

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS @ SEATTLE HGHAWKS (-12.5)

Things The Informer would rather do than bet Blaine Gabbert on the road in Seattle: Have unprotected carnal relations with Emilio Estevez’s brother Charlie; take Cialis while also taking nitrates for heart disease; partake in a drinking contest with Jay Cutler; be the Seattle HGH supplier ( allegedly); get moral life counseling from Ray Lewis; stop eating Blimpies for an entire year; watch season one of I am Cait; go across the middle while Ronnie Lott is playing safety; go to AA meetings; and finally bet the first half over in Primetime;

In other words, The Informer will be laying the 12.5 points.

Pick: Seattle (-12.5)

CINCINNATI BENGALS @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (-5.5)

The first half under in Primetime is 25-7 . . . The first half under in Primetime is 25-7 . . . The first half under in Primetime is 25-7 . . . The first half under in Primetime is 25-7 . . . The first half under in Primetime is 25-7 . . . The first half under in Primetime is 25-7 . . . The first half under in Primetime is 25-7!!!

Are we all clear?

Pick: Cardinals (-5.5) & First Half Under (u24.5)

BUFFALO BILLS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-7)

The first half under in Primetime is 25-7 . . . The first half under in Primetime is 25-7 . . . The first half under in Primetime is 25-7 . . . The first half under in Primetime is 25-7 . . . The first half under in Primetime is 25-7 . . . The first half under in Primetime is 25-7 . . . The first half under in Primetime is 25-7!!!

Are we all clear?

“Seriously Informer, is that all you are going to say? That the first half under is 25-7 in Primetime? What happened to you? You used to actually give us unique stats and impassioned sports takes? Now all you do is give us lame one liners and stats about the first half under. It is no wonder only 6.5 people are going to read this garbage. Sorry man, but you are no longer ‘The Informer’. You are just a worthless pile of donkey s*** who should die of gonorrhea and then rot in hell with Dan Marino.”

Rotting in hell with Dan Marino is a little rude don’t you think?

But hey . . . If the imaginary readers want obscure stats, then that is what The Informer will give them. So before we go here are 10 obscure stats that absolutely no one needs to know heading into Week 11.

10. Derek Carr has thrown 42 TD passes in his first 25 games in the NFL. Well, according to The Informer’s crack research staff (aka a drunken Informer doing Google searches); only Dan Marino, Peyton Manning and Daunte Culpepper have more TD passes through their first 25 games in NFL history.

9. Did you know Odell Beckham’s 2,168 yards and 20 TD catches are the most ever for a WR in their first 22 games as a pro?

8. Pittsburgh Steelers  wide receiver Antonio Brown is currently on pace for 1,825 yards receiving. Did you know if he keeps this pace he will join Torry Holt, Calvin Johnson and Marvin Harrison as the only players to have multiple 1600+ yard seasons in a career?

7. A. J. “The Sickness” Green needs 231 yards to join Randy Moss as the only players in NFL history to start their career with five straight 1,000 yard receiving seasons.

6. Andy Dalton has thrown at least 18 TD passes in all five of his NFL Seasons. To put that in perspective, the great Troy Aikman accomplished that same feat only twice in his Hall of Fame NFL career.

5. Brett Favre.

4. Cam Newton needs seven more rushing touchdowns to break Otto Graham’s NFL record of 44 for a quarterback.

3. On Monday night BIlls rookie sensation Karlos Williams can become the first NFL player to ever score a TD in each of his first seven games played. Along the same lines, it should be noted that Williams is halfway to tying the Bills all-time record of 14 straight games with a TD that was set by Orenthal James Simpson back in 1973.

2. Speaking of “The Juice”, if Adrian Peterson rushes for 100 yards this weekend he will surpass OJ and Corey Dillon to move into 19th on the all-time rushing list.

And finally,

1. The last time the New England Patriots played the Buffalo Bills on Monday night football in Week 11 of a season they were about to go undefeated; it was 2007 and they boat raced the Bills to the tune of 56-10. For those wondering, that was also the same night the great Randy Moss caught a career high four touchdowns.

#TheMoreYouKnow

Pick: Pats (-7) & First Half Under (u24)

That is a wrap y’all. Have a great Sunday. May it be filled with winning parlays, Tom Brady touchdowns and all of the Blimpies first half under winnings can buy.

THE INFORMER’S 2015 PICKS RECORD:79-63-5 (Including TNF)

The Lion King Lock of the Week: 7-4

The First Half Under in Primetime: 25-7 (Including TNF)

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Since 2003 The Informer has written for newspapers, websites and blogs with one goal in mind: Write a funny and informative sports article unlike anything that has been written before.