NEW YORK – One week ago, New York attorney general Eric Schneiderman ordered daily fantasy sports conglomerate FanDuel to shut down operations in the state of New York within five business days. Now, the news has officially broken that FanDuel has in fact ceased operations in the state in which they are headquartered.
This has been all too much to handle for New York-based FanDuel user Bradley C., the FanDuel commercial star, who was said to have won as much as “$349 dollars on FanDuel.” Reports are now circulating that paramedics were called to the White Plains, New York residence of Bradley after he suffered what medical personnel described as “a severe mental breakdown.”
Neighbors described an ugly scene in which police had to be called after Bradley was spotted tossing dozens of five dollar bills out of his bedroom window amid shouts of his Sundays being “a lot less interesting now.” After police forced their way through the front door, Bradley attempted to escape by jumping out of his bedroom window and onto the roof of his house while wielding a hatchet and making “public and verbal threats against the lives of Eric Schneiderman and his immediate family.”
Fortunately, police were able to disarm and restrain Bradley as he contemplated jumping from the roof of his house and onto the cement driveway. Neighbors said that Bradley was taken away in handcuffs while furiously chanting, “GAME OF SKILL, GAME OF SKILL!” as his wife and two small children watched in horror.
Sheriff’s officials are now reporting that Bradley is still “delusional and distraught” after his harrowing ordeal:
“Mr. C. has been transported to a New York area hospital where he is currently undergoing treatment for a FanDuel-induced mental breakdown,” said a sheriff’s official. “By all accounts, Mr. C. is still suffering from severe delusions and paranoia.”
Shortly after arriving at the hospital, local media witnessed Bradley escape from his room wearing only a hospital gown and attempt to access the FanDuel homepage on a nearby computer while screaming, “I’m still taking Brock Osweiler!”
FanDuel declined to comment on the situation, but one FanDuel employee — who requested to remain anonymmous — did say that he thought Osweiler was a good pick in the Sunday Million due to his projected low ownership percentage.
(NOTE: This story is completely fictional (well, at least PROBABLY fictional) and is only designed to be enjoyed as “satire.” However, the use of this to test others’ gullibility is not discouraged in any way.)